Things that I have learned from watching “The Bachelorette”

Can I just say that this show is a cultural treasure? A touchstone to be revered and looked at fondly in the future when we reflect on the pillars of our society? With that, I have recently discovered that there is much to learn about life, oneself and the female race from watching this show.

A few things:

  • How to Boost Your Self-Esteem. Women with the self-esteem of a single-celled organism should PROBABLY not attempt to be on this show. When you’ve got 21 dudes, all with different hair that are trying to make you their reality show wife, you should probably try to own that. I mean, this is really never going to happen again in your lifetime. Ever. Especially with that voice of yours. So could you please make like Michelle Money and at least fake it a little bit? If we wanted to see a hailstorm of emotions and you on the floor in a puddle of tears again, we’d most likely watch professional wrestling. At least that’s real.

And while we’re here we should note that Ashley was all worried that the guys wouldn’t want to see her as the Bachelorette and everything. I’m sorry that you were on the season where they had at least three/four stone cold hotties. If you were on Ali’s season, you’d probably be a little mini-goddess right now. See? She’s really not THAT attractive with that little scrunched up face. She kind of looks like a Muppet. A friendly one.

  • You should never apologize for being happy. It’s probably impossible to be THAT happy all the time, isn’t it Ryan? Unless you really are the world’s largest ball of cheese. Yes, let’s go with that answer. And PLEASE stop awkwardly touching Ashley. I feel like you’re molesting her with your eyes and outrageously large smile every time you look at her.

Queso.

  • It is possible to look AND be drunk all the time. Ames is drunk, pretty much all the time. And I respect that. If my parents named me Ames, and I’m a successful “portfolio manager” and I’ve been reduced to finding love on a reality show where pretty much everyone else is a waste of flesh, I would drink like a freaking fish, brother! Bring on the alcohol. Oh, and also, it would actually create some sort of personality for me. And I would need that. Because woooohoooo I am vanilla. I feel bad that Ames is “fighting” for Ashley. He seems like a nice man. Also, the one most likely to be a closeted gay. After Ryan, that is.

Soooo drunk right now. Or concussed. Not sure which.

  • Vanilla comes in more than one flavor. There are two guys with longer hair and I cannot keep them apart. I think I’ll just start calling them Runner Up No. 7 and No. 6. Because they are both AWFUL.
  • Even though I am a dude with a healthy desire for women and the female form, I would totally date JP. He could totally take me to dinner at like, Taco Bell or something.¬† Manly, loyal, works construction, looks good with no hair, has seen Ashley at her most fug and for some reason still is like, into her. I will put a stake in the ground and say that he’s going to be the one at the end, because Ashley can’t stand anyone else on this season not from Utah. Oh, and he also didn’t throw a little hissy a la Mickey when she revealed the whole Bentley hotel thing. He’s laser focused! Like a shark circling a chihuaha. Covered in chocolate sauce.

Jp. Definitely NOT Ashley.

  • I wonder what Chantal is doing right now. Do you think she’s happy? What about the funeral girl with the weird, creeped out dad that was all forbidding her from leaving Chico and their weirdly appointed living room? She was nice too.
  • Asia is beautiful. And weird. You can tell a season really sucks when they have to go all Amazing Race on us and go to a different locale each and every episode. We see right through this little tour of Asia, producers. You’re trying to add SOME spice. A 4 foot eleven midget and her cadre of semi-interested dudes can’t generate enough sparks, so let’s have some pictures of pretty backgrounds and scenery!!! I especially liked this last episode where they did the group date/quit session on a floating restaurant or something. And all you saw were workers dressed in black scurrying around all over the place trying to get ready for the dinner rush or something. Couldn’t they rent the place out? And I also enjoyed on the PJ date where they rode a tram up to a parking garage or something. The view was nice, but why did there have to be a creepy dude just one level down playing a spooky song on his cane? I think PJ would have been able to get some here but the ambiance was just too freaky.
  • I’m hoping that Bentley comes back for the “Bachelors Tell All” and cries when he gets attacked, because he can’t believe that everyone is mad at him. He’s incredulous actually. Kind of like the shock and horror that Michelle experienced last season. Yeah, kind of like that. And then the women in the audience will all line up to hook up with him and his hair.

  • I have no idea what’s going to happen. Mostly, when the season is over, PJ “wins” a relationship that will be over in three weeks because Vienna is trying to get with him, WHO do they select from this crop as the next Bachelor? I’m calling it right now. Boston Rob from Survivor will be the next Bachelor. Amber says it’s ok because this is one reality show that the two of them have not yet conquered.
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One thought on “Things that I have learned from watching “The Bachelorette”

  1. Brent I love that you watch the Bachelorette. When I see you next, remind me to tell you all my feelings about it.

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