Please stop…

I enjoy sports. One of the great things about watching sports is witnessing the spectacle of a championship, either real (NBA Finals, NFL SuperBowl) or imagined (BCS Championship Game, anything involving NASCAR or tennis.) These events are most often very enjoyable to watch, (as long as the Lakers, Yankees or Heat aren’t winning.) Until we crown a winner that is.

Then the same thing happens. A team wins and some nameless, faceless person rushes out to make sure all of these sweaty humans hurriedly adorn themselves in the ugliest caps and t-shirts known to man. I mean, I get it, that you want to increase the amount of merch that non-sweaty humans will purchase, but can’t they even have 30 seconds to celebrate before you turn them into a storefront? And why do they have to be so ugly? I mean, look at Jason Terry or Dirk Nowitzki in their shiny new t-shirts and baseball caps.

Don’t they look stupid? And a crappy white t-shirt to commemorate your achievement? Thanks for working so hard for the past 8 months or so. Just so you know how special your accomplishment is, hurry and wrap your carcass in this $7 t-shirt that the kids in Sri Lanka just completed. There. NOW do you feel like a champion?

Just once, I would like to see teams actually celebrating in their uniforms. Like a real team would.

Luckily, EVERY other sport has now gotten into the act as well…

See that Stanley Cup there? The one that he’s lifting over his head? You know, the head that is tightly wrapped in a Boston Bruins Champions ballcap?

At least in baseball it makes sense…

but could this BE any uglier? I think it’s great that you’re number 1 and all, but I am never wearing this hat. And neither is anyone else outside of CT. Ever.

Women’s basketball too. Nice t-shirt. And understandably, only a few Lady Aggies (?) want to be seen wearing the ugly championship hat.

Congratulations! You won a championship! Now hurry and put on all of this ugly crap!

It doesn’t stop there. Now if you are an amateur athlete and you get drafted into the pros, you also have to wear the stupid hat as well. I’m surprised they don’t make them throw on a team t-shirt over their suits. That’s probably coming soon.

The shocked look, suit and an ugly ballcap. It looks like you just got drafted, son!

Actually, I can’t see the hat. I’m distracted by that abomination on his upper lip. I am shocked that you have not been able to make your way in the NBA, sir. Shocked.

Well…you WERE looking sharp, until you put that stupid hat on.

Thanks for holding the jersey up to your body. With all of that teal on your head, I almost wasn’t sure who had selected you. Good thing I can easily tell by looking at your head.

Someone, please help these athletes. Free them from the bonds of sports marketers run amok. Let them celebrate their championships in their uniforms, helmets and sweatbands, and not this cheesy crap that even die hard fans would have to consider for 30-40 minutes before clicking “Buy”.

Did ANYONE buy the ugly Mavericks championship hat? Do you wear it in public? Is the shelf life of this item longer than two weeks? Will you then frame it and place it in a shadowbox next to your Barbie collection?

I just don’t get it. Sports world, please stop.


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