So I went ahead and quit the ol’ American Idol last year. Because it sucked. Between the hippie chick who never washed her hair, Simon Cowell’s growing indifference, and Kara’s need to overwhelm us with her words, it was work just to make it through an episode. Kind of like watching “Say Yes to the Dress.” I heard that Lee Something or other won, but uh…who cares.
I tried again this year, even though they didn’t take the opportunity to can useless Randy Jackson and replace him with someone with a pulse and more than a six word vocabulary. The fact that Jennifer Lopez had been added was a big plus. I’m convinced that she drinks unicorn tears to keep her looking youthful and hott. Because seriously, homegirl is 41 years old! And she looks about 23. Bonus points for being married to the street urchin Mark Anthony, who’s sheer presence HAS to take months off of her life every time she’s around him.
Seriously? 41, has had twins and is married to a muskrat?
P.S. Do you think Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are watching from home this year? I’m sure Garner has it blocked from their DVR. “No Ben, we’re watching HGTV’s ‘House Hunters International’ and that’s that!”
So to sum up, this year has been enjoyable. They’ve gotten rid of most of the tripe early (Ashton what’s her name, Karen something-or-other) and only made a few mistakes (Pia. Even though she had the personality of sandpaper, could SANG and when she wasn’t wearing that horrid Gwen Stefani jumpsuit was not bad to look at. Bonus points to the producers to bringing her new “famous” boyfriend on the show. Boo, Mark Ballas, just, boo.)
So I’m going to attempt another recap, like it’s 2009.
First of all, I think it’s a great idea that they let the kids pick songs from the past 11 years. Too often, the old fogies running the show think it’s going to be great to have them sing Country Music from the ’60’s or Nigel’s Favorite Beatles Songs or something else ridiculous that only people in rest homes enjoy while they’re spinning around in their Jazzy’s. So welcome to the future, American Idol.
But what was with bringing out the dear, departed contestants that had been voted off to sing of all things “So What?” Really? Isn’t it bad enough that they have to show their faces on our screens again, but then to make them sing a kiss-off song like that? What are you saying producers? “So what/ We all got kicked off/ But we’re having more fun/ And you’re all tools, so…/ Not really a good choice for some of these people we’ll never see again. I’m surprised Karen didn’t try to sing her part: “Yo, check my flow, uggggh” in Spanish. At least it did give us an excuse to catch a glimpse of Pia again. Who literally destroyed everyone else in the group. When they actually turned her microphone on.
Trying REAL hard to sing their faces off. Except Paul.
And could everyone tell that Paul “I Just Got Kicked Off Last Week, But Here I Am in This Same, Weird Rosy Suit That Was Tired After Week 3” McDonald wanted to be anywhere but right there? From his lackluster vocals to his body language, he seemed to be intentionally bombing so he could get off the stage a little bit faster. My pride felt for his.
But, on to the ones that still have a shot at being praised by Steven Tyler. Because that’s all he does. Ever.
1. Scotty McCreery
First off, I always love the show when the kids get to rip on each other. And can I just say that they were right on with Scotty’s weird microphone holding technique. It’s like he’s gingerly holding a newborn to his mouth or a really large sandwich that he’s trying very carefully to keep the salami from falling out of. It’s weird, Scotty. Hold it like a man. See how Casey does it. He grips that thing like it’s a trout that he just plucked from a raging river. And if he doesn’t hold it tightly with his whole fist, it’s going to swim into his beard. THAT’s how you hold a microphone, my friend. Even George Michael knows. Ask him.
Going for the full-on ham sandwich
So the world shifted on it’s axis and Scotty sang another country song. Shocking. We get it, Scotty. You’re aiming to be Josh Gracin. Don’t worry about extending yourself or anything. And this time, while holding the mic in his same fruitcake-y way, he decided to flex his eyebrows and creep me out by looking at me directly through the camera. Here’s the thing Scotty. Your voice is quite deep. If I was a big country music guy who wore a large hat and drove a tractor to work, I might even be really into the things that come out of your mouth. But I’m not, and you suck. Flexing your caterpillars at me is not cute. And even though you seem to have a genuine sense of humor which I appreciate, I am not going to pick up my power texter to send you 3,000 votes because you think you’re “being cute.” Grandma’s must enjoy this behavior and horrible LeeAnne Rimes songs, but it’s lost on the rest of us that aren’t 12 or 87.
For once, Randy had something somewhat constructive to say when he mocked your song choice. I have to agree. If Iwas you and had the entire catalog to choose from, why not pick a pop song and make it a country song? Why not re-boot “Hit Me Baby One More Time” or something else crap-tastic? Making it into a country song isn’t going to make it worse. Get back to me when you’re done playing the flute.
2. James Durbin
I have never been a James fan. I get that he’s like autistic and epileptic or whatever, which is why I don’t make fun of his cute little awkward faces that he makes. And I’m totally leaving alone that one time when he met Hulk Hogan and he pretended to be surprised for like, ever. After it was obvious that he was no longer surprised, he kept making the “O” face with big, bugged out eyes. We get it. It was totally shocking. Even after he’d come out a few times in rehearsals. You get a pass on all that. However, I can’t let go the fact that you have a dangly earring that I just want to rip out of your lobe and stuff in the pocket of your jeans that are always too tight for your pear-shaped lower half. But that is all.
Showing those feathers on his shoulder who’s boss
I’ve never really enjoyed his vocals as they’re all too Adam Lambert-y, but I have to admit that he did a great job with the Muse song. Not only did he pick a Muse song in the first place, which is amazing compared to all of his other crappy choices, but his voice actually sounded good. And I didn’t mind the feathery storm trooper outfit either. I mean after being subjected to months of Adam Lambert fashion (where in Week 12, I’m pretty sure he killed an entire peacock to make his outfit) I can handle a little shoulder pads and walking stick action. Also, the drummers on rental from some random marching band was a nice touch. The last time we saw drummers was on stage with Naiiiima when she got murdered for going all reggae on something, so I’m glad that drummers can know be used without harming a contestant’s chances.
3. Haley Reinhart
Why can this woman get no love from the judges? Hands down, Haley is my new favorite. I love her. Her vocals, her weird style, the fact that she ALWAYS wears bright red lipstick that I’m always worried is going to end up on her teeth again. Everything. This girl can freaking sing and she actually knows how to pick a song or two. Yes, she may add in her patented “growl” a little too much, but who cares when the rest of it sounds like this. Her version of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” was ALMOST better than the original. At least it was different enough to make it interesting with her cool, raspy voice. And different enough that I may have just paid $1.29 for it on iTunes. Maybe. Just now. Of course, when she’s done singing, all the judges can mention is how she was flat in parts. No “She’s in it to win it!” or “We got a hot one in here!” or any other Randy nonsense. Nothing. Just you were flat. It was aiiight. She cannot catch a break. It’s no wonder she’s in the Bottom Three every week. I may actually need to start voting in this biznasss.Keep Haley alive, people!!!
Save Haley. And you save the world. Or something like that.
4. Jacob Lusk
Ugh. Where to start with this dude? First of all, he’s been waiting all season and finally broke out the dead dad card. Thanks Jacob. Way to show some restraint. Now I finally have an inkling why he gets so emotional. All the time. It didn’t make sense to me while caterwauling his way through “God Bless the Child” that he acted like he left Leo on the deck of the Titanic afterwards, but I suppose it now makes a little more sense. I think it’s best for Jacob that he get some intensive therapy with an actual therapist instead of throwing his issues on us each week. Maybe he could borrow Brad Womack’s therapist and it could be a weekly thing until he gets kicked off, or Emily Maynard dumps him. Oh wait, he wouldn’t like Emily much. Because she smells like a girl.
And judges, I’m sorry but you should not be ENCOURAGING him to “go for it” and to “get over that mountaintop!” This man does not know how to show restraint with anything. If he were to sing at a funeral, he’d probably tip over the casket and and verbally assaulted the cadaver, while making his mouth real big to get out all of those weird sounds. Judges, your boy needs to reign it the freak in. Like, I don’t know, sing a song with NO runs or “ai yai yais” or whatever he likes to embellish with. If Jacob were an inanimate object, he would be the Sacajawea dollar, because I am so over him. Do the right thing America. Don’t vote Jacob! We can do this!
5. Casey Jacobs
He sang a Maroon 5 song. He made his weird faces into the microphone. He dared to kiss Jennifer Lopez. He will win this competition handily.
6. Stefano Langone
Finally, some solid assistance from Jimmy Iovine! He’s not just a tiny man in a little teeny leather jacket whose sole purpose is to advertise BEATS by DR. DRE every time he gets a little camera time. Telling Stefano to “F” the pleading that he was doing on stage, was something that I believe he needed to hear. Forget the fact that Stefano’s an R & B guy, and that’s what R & B is all about. Pleading with your lady until she finally surrenders the nookie, just so you’ll shut up. At a high level, that’s really all R & B is. And on the Great Pyramid of Annoyance, it’s just below Jacob’s dying vocal acrobatics.
Baby, come here and let me looooooooooovvvveeee you! Please!
So he took the stage, kept the whining to a minimum, and got a nice chance to show off some dance moves. Unfortunately, he was also wearing some distracting Larry King suspenders, but he proved that he can sing and dance. Even the useless mound that is Steven Tyler chose to comment on it. “I was hoping that you would dance. And you did.” Was Steven’s ENTIRE critique of Stefano. In it’s entirety. Thanks for being here Steve! Now that you’ve selected a Top 24, I’m glad to see that you’re just coasting through until Aerosmith goes on tour in the fall. What with you AND Randy, it’s a wonder that these kids even know WHAT to do from week to week!
7. Lauren Alaina
Again, the judges like to hate on our lone remaining female contestants. Never really anything positive to say about Lauren. I think she’s got an incredible voice, I just wish she would be better at picking which song to sing with it. I get that you’re like twelve years old and you’re from the country so you haven’t been subjected to much modern music, but seriously. “The Climb?” and this week “Born to Fly”? Sara Evans? Was a Steven Curtis Chapman song not available? Aren’t there any non-crappy country pop songs that you could have attempted? Anything at all from Sugarland or The Band Perry? Please? And can you please tell your Mom that she’s over 40 and should really stop coloring her hair like that? And that acid wash jeans are only to be worn by hipsters in LA that are trying to bring the look back, not by southern housewives? Thank you.
Lauren. A very excited fiddle player. VERY excited.
So with the coveted pimp spot, Lauren kind of ended the night with a whimper. She’ll get a few more chances to keep trying.
And Stefano ends up beating out Jacob for the right to go home. So close! Keep trying, America! We CAN send Jacob and his pouty, holier-than- thou attitude home. And soon. I have never seen a contestant so upset by being in the Bottom Three. Like, he’s so shocked and hurt by it, that he can’t even pretend to put on a happy face about it. At the end of the results show, it looked like he wanted to murder everyone there, starting with Katy Perry in her light-up suit.Which would have been fine since she didn’t even attempt to sing live. I guess with all the complicated choreography, it was too hard to actually sing your hit. Katy, please take the alien Lusk with you and exit stage left. That’d be cool.