Clash of Utter Disappointment!

I was kind of excited for this movie, because as crappy as the 1981 original was, if you can slap some 2010 digital effects on there, add some 3-dimensional magic, toss in my man-crush Sam Worthington and you’ve got yourself an epic! Well…at least the popcorn was tasty.

Things That Sucked:

  • 3-D Conversion. This will make a heap of money BECAUSE of the post-Avatar 3rd Dimension land grab Hollywood is currently entrenched in. (i.e. the only reason “Alice in Wonderland” made money.) But plan ahead, already. Shoot the dumb thing in 3D in the first place! When you can watch an entire 3D movie without your special glasses because the only thing they converted were a few items in the background, you’ve got yourself a problem. I wanted to hurl my disposable goggles in disgust, but that would have made the viewing experience a little too realistic for whoever I hit. Please see this in 2D.
  • Liam Neeson’s hair. I didn’t know that Zeus played lead guitar in Stryper.
  • The convoluted script that apparently took three people to write. Who are these three people and where can I find them to punch them?
  • Liam again, just biding his time to say the three words we really care about “Release the Kraken!!!!!!!!!!” He was totally not into it until he could finally say this. The same could be said for me.
  • Action scenes that looked better in stop-motion in 1981 than in beautiful CGI.
  • The feeble attempt to make their journey on the River Styx romantic. What’s not romantic? Floating through dead bodies. The freaking Reaper as your driver. I don’t know…the fact you’re in the Underworld at all!
  • The Desert People that looked like Jawas. Jawas were cool in 1983. Please don’t bring them back now. Especially since they talk funny.

Things That I Can Begrudgingly Admit Were Cool

  • Gemma Atherton. Never before has she been attractive. Until this movie. Also, she is immortal. Even though she literally had nothing to do and was obviously thrown in to give the geeks something to look at, I can appreciate her for her Grecian good looks. Plus one.

  • Ralph Fiennes. He’s really not afraid to go ugly. And Hades is mad ugly.

  • the showdown with Medusa. This scene was actually pretty cool. And I felt honored that I could look into her eyes and not turn to stone. That was a nice perk.

  • The dude that played Draco. Finally playing a character that we can like.

  • The freaking Kraken! Awesome. Especially if you ever saw the original creature that looked like a latex glove with eyeballs glued on.

Original = not awesome

2010 Version = Much better.

Should you see it? Well sure. Just keep in mind that you’ll need to buy some popcorn so you can contemplate it’s buttery goodness during the slow, dumb parts. And there are quite a few.


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