Aaah fall. The leaves turn from green to gold, there is a slight chill in the air, my exotic summer Speedo gives way to a curmudgeonly autumn v-neck sweater. The only redeeming feature of fall is football season, and even better than that…fantasy football. If there’s anything better in the world than Fantasy Football, I haven’t found it, and believe me, I’ve spent time in Bangkok and as a house guest of Jessica Alba. I’m also pretty sure the ancient Greeks played Fantasy Olympics, the Japanese have Fantasy Sumo, and the Swedish have Fantasy Sauna-ing. But here in America, Man’s Greatest Sport is clearly the control and manipulation of real human beings on fake football teams.
Here are some reasons why Fantasy Football whips:
- The Fantasy Draft – a wonderful opportunity to get with your friends for roughly 6-18 hours as you seek to own every player in the National Football League. Oh yeah, and a unique opportunity to make fun of everyone’s selections and to bring up old insecurities. Just like the high school Dungeons and Dragons Club, but soooo much nerdier.
- I can’t control a garden weasel, but in the world of fantasy football, not only can I be a coach AND a general manager, but if I can find 11 fellow nerds to play with me, I can be a commissioner too! I can control the freaking world! I am all powerful! Call me Aldor! King of the Football People!!! (Ok, maybe don’t do that, that’s weird.)
- The opportunity to become all knowing. ALL KNOWING. Want to know which kicker has the best field goal percentage in snow in the third week of December while sparrows fly over their head and when the wind blows in a southeasterly direction with a placeholder who had a carne asada burrito for lunch? Yeah, I do. And it’s Mason Crosby. Suck it.
- A built-in excuse to watch every football game, every week. No one’s going to be watching The Buffalo Bills play the Oakland Raiders, but with fantasy football, it becomes instantly watchable. I’m convinced that the only people watching these games on television are people who own the Bills third string tight end and Al Davis. Hoping that his Raiders are going to someday turn it around. Just die already, Al. That’s the only way they’re improving.
- The opportunity to wheel and deal like a contestant on the Price is Right. Not happy with your team? Trade them all! Hate Clinton Portis as much as I do? Trade the sad sack away for a wide receiver and a case of magical beans.
- It’s pretty much the only chance I’ll have to tell athletic strong human beings what to do. Unless I become field hockey captain in prison or something.
- Instead of actually thinking about “life” or contemplating “things that matter” you’re able to spend the entire week wondering if you should play Chad Ochocinco or Felix Jones in your coveted WR/RB/TE flex position.
- It has the word “fantasy” in it. Aren’t all those things good? Like riding a unicorn through a meadow filled with beef jerky. Now THERE’S a fantasy.
- The chance to REALLY test how much your wife loves you. 11 weeks in, and yes, she does. I am Aldor!!!
Yeah, he’s probably pretty good at fantasy.