Proof There is a God–Paula Leaves Idol

Unbelievable! Ms. Crazy Face Johnson, Paula Abdul has decided to leave American Idol! Walking away from an 8-figure deal, an almost 30% increase over the ridiculous amounts of cash she was making this year, and one of the most popular shows EVAR takes an enormous amount of cojones. Or an incredible backup plan. Of which, she has neither. What an idiot. We’ll see you in three years on the Home Shopping Network. Or in rehab. Again.

R.I.P., wackjob

But as a fan of this dumb show, I am literally rejoicing. A few things I will NOT miss:

  • Watching Ms. Abdul teeter to her chair and drunkenly offer critiques that have words like “shining star” and “golden god” and other English words that her writer has made up for her to say
  • Paula crying after a performance. Probably because she has to wait until the commercial break take more Xanax.
  • Her Cirque du Soleil collection of wigs and costumes
  • Speaking endlessly while saying nothing. I’m thinking she quit to run for the Senate. Politics is the perfect place for her
  • Still being unable to tell a contestant “No.” Even when they suck, are psychotic and will probably forget in about three minutes that they just auditioned on television
  • Watching Paula and Simon’s ridiculous fake flirtations. Maybe with Kara in the chair next to him, Simon will actually pay attention. Or stop wearing V-necks

What I will miss:

  • Having something to mock when I can’t mock the singing
  • People finding my dumb blog by searching for “Paula Abdul boobs” (Just mentioning it should give a nice boost.)

And I have hope that maybe now they’ll get rid of that sack Randy. I’d take anything in his place. A bag of magical beans. A corpse with a different outfit each week. Bryan Dunkleman. Anything, people!

(P.S. How much do you think they paid her to leave?? Did they promise her Emilio would take her back?)

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