Kris Allen Wins. Vampires and the Entire Cast of “Newsies” Weeps.

I think it would be great if we could talk about the finale of the American Idol. For just a minute. Because I haven’t had a chance to discuss it yet. Because I JUST finally watched it like the other day. After the outcome had become known by just about everyone. Including old people who drive cars while wearing hats. They knew the outcome of our American Idol before I did!

So if it’s alright, I would like to share some thoughts. You know, now that America has crowned a champion and moved on to other things like Sucky Jon & Kate Plus 8 Miserable Children, or that dancing show with the other Simon on it with Andy Gibb hair.

First of all, can you believe that five months has passed since the very first audition show? Five months! If I was a New Guinean gibbon, I could have given birth by now to eleven of the most adorable gibbon babies that you have ever seen. All I’m saying is that five months is a long time to dedicate to one show, and I’m beyond relieved that I was spared having to watch Danny Gokey’s smug face in these finals. I would have been forced to seek out a small baby to punch. Luckily all babies were spared as this was actually the finale I wanted to see (since the whole Allison/ Kris thing never materialized as it should have.)

Here’s your finale. Adam wishes they were kissing.

Round 1
Kris has apparently watched this show before as he has learned that if you win the ever-so-important coin flip, that you make the other dude go first! This way, you can be the last one on the stage singing “This is My Now” or “Climb Every Waterfall” or some other crappy song about rainbows and unicorns at the end. It’s also your one chance to wrestle the pimp spot away from Adam who has had it like 47 times since January. Give the kid a shot! As a sidenote, I also like that they had some lowly intern comb through hours and hours of footage to actually find some Kris Allen tryout footage. Since we hadn’t ever seen Kris on the show EVAR until the Top 24, I’m surprised they could find something for him. Either that, or they forced to put on his slightly askew cap, the same outfit and re-create putting his number on for the first time. Just like the moon landing. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did that, especially since Kris entered the season in the cannon fodder spot and was not supposed to make it past that loon Tatiana.

Adam kicked the show off in full “Starlight Express” mode singing “Mad World” and flooded in that eerie blue light again. I thought he started out alright (for Adam)  and then I saw his trench coat, boots, weird pants and pancake makeup and wondered if he was going to attempt to mime the song while placing a cockatoo on his shoulder. I agree with Simon on his “theatrical” take. The only thing that would have made it more theatrical would have been having to pay $80 bucks for my seat. All the prententiousness was built right into the performance!

Look at my cool trench, kids!

Kris then came out and played “Ain’t No Sunshine” again. Originally I was a little bit disappointed as I thought he had a billion songs that were better. “Falling Slowly” “Heartless” even “She Works Hard for the Money” come to mind. But as soon as he started singing, I immediately shut up. Easily one of his best performances of the season, and he proved that he belongs in the final and beyond. I can’t imagine the Goke conjuring up a performance like that with a full on top hat, rabbit and actual magical powers.

Round 1 Victor

Round 1 Victor: Kris

Round 2
Producer’s choice here, which is always a scary thing. Mostly because the producers are old and don’t realize that there has been popular music made in the last ten years. This year as an added bonus they decided to get all “socially conscious” on us as well. Which given the “current climate” and “landscape” made “perfect sense.” At least they kept trying to tell usthat anyway. All I know is that I’m watching two dudes sing to me on my television set. I don’t care what songs they’re singing, as long as they’re qualiTAY. That’s all I’m looking for.

Adam made one last shot at getting the straight vote by dressing up in a nice metallic suit, doing that thing with his hair so it’s not so vampire-y and frightening and sang “Change is Gon’ Come” with all the fervor of a man who’s actually stepped inside a church once or twice in his life. He probably had to visit Wikipedia to find out what that was like. So as soon as Adam starts into his shrill banshee screaming and caterwauling, I typically check out and start thinking about what shampoo to use in the morning or if I’m going to try to skip the third gear in my car during my entire commute the next day. But this time, Adam actually sounded not so sucky. He even bordered on kind of good. I even found myself thinking, “You know, this dude isn’t so bad. Once you get past the screaming and the eleventeen octaves and horrible costume jewelry on every available limb, he’s really not that bad.” And then my wife slapped me and my pupils un-dilated and I realized that it was all a horrible, horrible dream . That was close. Adam still sucks, everybody!

Can you imagine what this sounds like?

I think I’ve also determined that because the judges fawn all over Adam like he’s a newborn puppy with leukemia, and constantly act like they’ve never been privy to the musical nirvana that he brings that I hate him more because of that. I will never like the New York Yankees, Notre Dame anything, Kobe Bryant as a basketball player or a human, or any sports team from Dallas. Because you tell me they’re the best. Why don’t you let me figure it out on my own instead of constantly bowing down to him and calling him a “Rock God” and whatever gibberish comes out of Paula’s mouth?

Kris sang an equally socially conscious song, Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On.” He did a great job with it, switching up the phrasing and the overall tone of the song. He also had some guitar strumming dudes helping him out which always seems to add a nice flourish to any number. I thought it was just fine, even for a finale. Simon thought other wise and chose to gush about just how great Adam is. For the 97th time.

Round 2 Victor: Adam

Final Round
This would have been a pretty significant round if our two Idols weren’t forced to sing such a crap-tastic song. I think it must be written in the rules somewhere that the glorious, triumphant song sung at the end always has to elude to a great journey or overcoming obstacles to reach a better, bigger place. How about just writing a good song? It could even be about nothing? Or watching sheep grow wool or something. Just give me a nice melody and a hook that actually hooks me! This song took THREE people including Ms. DioGuardi to craft, and I could have done a better job by throwing tennis balls at a Speak n’ Spell. “You can go higher, you can go deeper?” Which is it?! Am I trying to go high or deep? And why do I want to get to the top of the mountain anyway? Don’t I just want to get to that peaceful meadow over there? Why do I have to be so extreme? After eight years it doesn’t matter. Whether they enlist professionals like Dianne Warren, or have a contest on the Internets with Average Joes or have Kara write something, it always sucks. I’ve got your “Moment Like This” and it always seems to look like a sixth grade dance.

Both Adam and Kris sucked on this song, mostly because they knew what they were singing was crappy, and I think both of them were gearing up to sing with cool people the next night. Like Kiss! and Keith Urban! Actual singers! But I’ll be honest, this was one of the best finals ever as it could have gone EITHER way. Like Adam.

Round 3 Victor: The “off” button on my television.

The Finale!

First off, I would like to comment on the results before anything else. Completely shocking and completely deserved. I have downloaded more Kris Allen songs with actual money than I have any other contestant. I am convinced that Adam is a nice guy and good person, but his voice is like hearing a vulture rip out his voice box while he attempts even higher notes. Some sounds weren’t meant for human ears. I am shocked also that the Cullen Family didn’t vote 7 million times for Adam. Not only are they immortal, but I’m sure they could have dialed incredibly fast. You’d think they would have supported one of their own. Well, everyone except Rosalie. She’s kind of stuck up.

Totally didn’t vote for Adam. Or Bella either.

Other Musings:

While Adam was wearing his wire shoulder pads and lycra jumpsuit while performing with Kiss, I don’t think he’s ever looked happier. He’s going to miss all of this.

What, these? Oh I just brought them from home. Woot!

Kris Allen more than held his own with Keith Urban. A tens of millions selling recording artist. His voice and guitar pickin’ were both at times stronger and more confident than Mr. Kidman’s. And  his body didn’t look so weird.

Kris straight up dominating Mr. Kidman

And why oh why, did Lil Rounds get her own song with Queen Latifah? Lil Rounds? Latifah? They’re both awful. My fast forward button was screaming I hit it so hard.

Lil Rounds and Latifah. Both in ill-fitting stretch pants.

And I can’t say enough about the awesomeness that was “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper and Allison Bringstheheta. It was great. I can’t wait to hear what Allison will do once she is in the recording booth and has hand-crafted album. I imagine that I will purchase it with actual American money.

Allison singing her face off. Cyndi Lauper showing me things I really don’t want to see.

And I loved when Adam and Kris were both singing with Queen (sidebar: Brian May REALLY needs to re-think his long, Kenny G afro-mullet. I’m sure it was a fantastic idea back in the ’70’s when they were a relevant band and Freddie Mercury had a really amazing overbite. But now? It looks kind of pathetic like.) Anyway, it was awesome when they were both singing “We Are the Champions” and saying to each other “Can you believe this? Queen? Us? Dry ice?  Tomorrow this all goes away. Sure we’re going to be changed forever, but it all goes away.” They seemed genuinely happy.

Oh man, this sure is great. Hey, what’s up with dude’s hair?

Unlike Megan Joy who was trying to wrench every ounce of camera time into something…anything! I think she got home and realized how quickly people are forgotten on this show, and was determined to make the most of her limited time on camera. Also, her duet with oil rig guy and Steve Martin was actually kind of nice.

Actually, this wasn’t bad.

So congratulations and a long musical career to Kris. I think it’s significant to note that a local alternative radio station is already playing his “Heartless” and they HATE American Idol. That really kind of says something. I’m sure Adam will be successful as well. Back on Broadway. Actually I can’t wait to hear his album as well. And see how many people don’t actually buy it. It will be nice.

Dude. I’m shocked too.

Until next January!

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3 thoughts on “Kris Allen Wins. Vampires and the Entire Cast of “Newsies” Weeps.

    • Hi populist. Thanks for your comment. As I am an idiot blogger, perhaps you are assuming that I took the following quote from Adam out of context.

      “I was like, ‘Oh, s—, they put me with the cute guy … Distracting!” Lambert told the magazine. “He’s the one guy that I found attractive in the whole group on the show … totally my type – except that he has a wife.” —Rolling Stone

      And then I totally misunderstood this where he actually GOES for it: http://gossipcandy.com/tag/adam-kisses-kris/ (albeit on the cheek or the face or whatever.) But I appreciate you taking this whole thing just a LITTLE too seriously.

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