I learned something very important this week. And that something is that there was no such thing as rock music after 1969. The ’70’s, 80’s, ’90’s and especially the current decade contain absolutely no semblance of rock. At. All. Somewhere my Warrant, Great White, Winger and Tesla cassette tapes are crying.
These feel neglected right now. The tapes. And probably the guy too.
I was excited for this week. Not only because I would finally get to see Adam in his true persona as the Avenging Angel of Rock Death, but because after suffering through weeks and weeks of crap-tastic themes like The Best of Rodgers & Hammerstein, Theme Songs from Television Sitcoms, and Turkish Polka Dances, it was time to finally get to the good stuff. Good old fashioned American rock music. And with Slash as the guest mentor, you just had to know that one of the kids was going to die from a heroin overdose before the week was over. I was really rooting for Danny and his “heart fingers.” But oh well.
But on to the Rock!
Adam started things off, by singing a Led Zeppelin song, “Whole Lotta Love.” And in case you didn’t hear it one of the 79 times that Ryan and Adam mentioned it, it was the first time that Led Zeppelin has allowed their songs to be sung on this show. And they let Adam sing it. Dude, John Bonham is probably pissed somewhere in his alcohol and cocaine soaked grave. What’s next, a Zeppelin song in a major car commercial? Oh…
it’s great to see Adam breaking down all sorts of barriers. His totally cute boyfriend is probably so proud. First Led Zeppelin song on American Idol. First really creepy guy caked in makeup to get straight chicks and grandmas alike to vote for him. First openly gay dude to win the title of American Idol. Fantasia does not count, as I am pretty sure that she’s a woman.
I must admit that Adam did an OK job with this selection. For him. Which is kind of like saying that the escargot I just had for dinner was pretty good. You know, as snails go, they were pretty good. And as Adam and his tongue goes, it was pretty good. I liked the part where he was coming out all angry and cyborg-ish, like he was going to SHOW ME just what a rocker he IS. It’s not enough that he was totally wearing rock bell bottoms and a shirt open to his pelvis, but he’s got to try to scowl at me the whole time too? Let me get his numbers into my speed dial machine quickly, because this guy sure ACTS like he belongs in the top. Or he wants to murder me. And I don’t want him to back me into a corner and try to screech me into submission. Look people, I try. I try to understand what has captured America about Adam. Is it that the judges keep saying how amazing he is, so everyone else HAS to agree, or is it because they like being screamed at when actually singing the notes would do just fine, or do they like the way that Adam snarls and preens around the stage like a really ferocious peacock in leather pants? I can’t figure out what it is, but all I know is that when “Various Screams, Grunts and Screeches” comes out by Adam Lambert on 19 Records, I can’t WAIT to see the sales figures! They are bound to be super impressive.
Cyborgs are scary.
So of course the judges got all reverent when they were talking about Adam, Kara called him a Rock God and Paula said something but I couldn’t hear it because of all the drool that spilled down the front of her dress. Randy said something that sounded like, ‘Yo, dude, shmtnltking, kltjssknign, lskdjfldkj, yeah!!!!” and Simon put his cigarette lighter in his pants pocket long enough for him to actually clap his hands. The Emperor has no clothes people! He’s freaking naked and I’m the ONLY one that can see it! You’ll see when those evil tailors are leaving town with all of our gold! Then, you’ll all listen to me!! Adam sucks SOOO much.
Sidebar: Why the junk did Adam NOT sing “Sweet Child o’ Mine”??? He’s been stealing from Axl Rose for the past twelve weeks and then when he finally gets a chance to pay homage to his teacher, he doesn’t do it? He does Robert Plant instead? I’m thoroughly disappointed. Although, the more I think about it, I’m sure that Axl would not give the approval for his song to be sung by someone with different “sensibilities.” I recall the lyrics to “One in a Million” and Axl does not enjoy peeps that are “different.” Although pretty much everyone is different from Axl. Any forty five year-old-man with cornrows and the skin stretched on his face so tight that you could jump on it is decidedly different.
Allison was next, and she did a good job with the source material. I mean, Janis Joplin is great and all as far as dead musicians go. She’s better than Mama Cass. But I think if Allison had attempted something from the last twenty years, she could have transported us to a magical place. I thought she did great, as she always does, and with Adam’s hairstylist designing her locks, she looks a little more current and a little less fuchsia-y. My eyeballs thank you. Why do the judges not get the greatness that is Allison? They don’t understand that this girl can sing a monkey out of a tree, and that she is so consistent she could be FedEx? This has been one of the most super frustrating seasons in recent memory. Everyone is fawning over a cyborg, and the no one wants to save the little doe that is stuck in a fence that can sing her jowls off. I feel like Adam’s dad must feel.
Allison and her new hair endure no love from the judges. Again.
Kris taught me this week that the Beatles are rock. I really had no idea. But apparently they are. There are two things that I am proud of in life.
- I have never killed a hitchhiking drifter
- I have never enjoyed the Beatles
I know that some of you can’t believe number 2 there, but I just don’t get what the freaking big deal is. Good for you, Beatles. You appeared on the “Ed Sullivan Show” and you all had the same haircut, and before you came out, people like Chubby Checker were considered music, but come on. I hate the reverence afforded the Beatles and their “master collection” of forty seven albums, of which, only three are actually good. Kris was dead set on singing a Beatles song, and if they weren’t considered the absolute ultimate group ever, Kris might have fared better with our friends the judges. I thought what he did with “Come Together” was pretty solid. He changed it up nicely and made a song that everyone has heard fifty kabillion times, enjoyable. But the way that the judges skewered him afterwards, both he and I were convinced that he was a goner this week. But apparently the Kris has more peoples in his corner than we suspected. I mean, look at those cheekbones. My grandma would want to make soup of them they are so cute!
Danny himself admits that this is not his kind of music. He enjoys things that are more gospel, where he can point at me with his whole hand and look earnest as he’s singing softly to the camera. Or something with a banjo and a jug. Picking Aerosmith’s “Dream On” was one of the dumbest decisions ever. Not only is the song like 11 minutes long, but it ends with the kind of note that only Steven Tyler or Adam Lambert and his tongue can hit. I know that the Goke has been feeling some pressure to be just like Adam, but you ain’t Adam, bro. You like chicks and can only scream in two octaves. Not eighteen. So thanks for performing in a vest and a button down shirt, but this is ROCK night, son. Break out your top hat and leather chaps! Again, after filing this kind of performance with a song this far out of his realm, he should have been sent packing. But I can’t BELIEVE he’s got this many fans. How many times is Jamar Rogers dialing for his dude? His fingers must be bleeding.
However, I do enjoy the candor of our guest mentor, Slash. You could tell that he and his curly locks did not like Danny, not even a little bit. In fact, he probably encouraged him to sing this song because he knew it was going to be atroshe. You go, Slash.
Submit, song! Tap out! I will break you!
Results and Random Musings
- WAAAAYYY too early for Allison to go home. I had prognosticated that she would be the dark horse candidate to win. Win! I miss her and her good voice already. The fact that she is now gone and the Goke is still smugly sitting on the couches kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
- Why does Adam have to scowl when he sings, “Woman… you need…Love!!!!” Was it that hard for him to sing about a woman, that he had to go to a deep dark, place where only Terminators and SKYNET roam? He’s SUCH a good actor.
- Having them sing duets was a nice touch. However, having the judges comment on them at seemingly the last minute was horrendously stupid. “Er…I really liked the way you were holding the microphone and pretending to enjoy singing with the Goke, Kris. I give you three out of five stars.” What was this? And they made them sing this crapfest BEFORE their actual songs that could get them eliminated? You could see how nervous Kris was because he was probably trying to remember the words to his actual song.
- I really loved seeing how crazy Kris’ family got when they found out he had made it to the Top 3. I enjoy seeing actual joy.
- Paula Abdul needs to stop trying to have a music career. She is a horrible lip syncher, and her patented choreography looks like it jumped off straight from 1987. And it’s just mean to make all of those gay dudes dance with her and pretend to like her. Mean.
- My DVR cut it off because stupid No Doubt took so long, but Ryan said that he’d be playing Allison on the radio one day. I concur, RyRy! That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said all night!