Well I was right. Devoting a night to jazz standards from the Rat Pack equates to a virtual snooze-fest. Sure, every one of the kids sang their little hearts out, and it is going to be a dogfight to the already pre-determined conclusion from this point forward, (now that we’ve gotten rid of the roadkill that was Lil and sadly, Anoop.) But man, several times I had to kick myself awake while watching this edition of the show. Jazz standards are fine and all, and everyone gets to dress up all nice, even Paula decided to wrap herself up like a present (albeit a present that NO ONE wants to open. Except maybe Randy. He’s so checked out I think he’d go for just about anything right now. A really big baked potato. A Journey reunion tour. Paula. Anything.)
Let’s be honest. You’re all boring.
And I must talk about Jamie Foxx for a moment. It’s OBVIOUS they’re really stretching for mentors this year. In fact, I’m a little bit surprised that we haven’t seen Susan Boyle show up yet to show the kids how to believe in themselves against impossible odds when no one thinks you can do it. Oh wait, maybe that’s next week. Although luckily we have been spared the creepiness of a Barry Manilow or an Andrew Lloyd Webber. Probably because Sir Webber would absolutely MAUL Adam on camera like a bear with a ham sandwich. All of his critiques would include the phrase, “Adam, I didn’t hear a thing you just sang as I was too busy gazing into your brilliantly beautiful eyes. Could you sing closer to my face please? Almost as if we were kissing? That will really help me to grasp the “meaning” of this song. By the way, I’ve been knighted. I’m kind of a big deal.” And nobody wants to see that. Nobody. So when I heard this week’s mentor was going to be Jamie Foxx, not only was I as surprised as the kidlets were (cue the Goke with his jaw dropping open as he exclaims “Oh my goodness, it is not a dead guy that will be mentoring us this week. It is a famous actor slash musician. I will continue smiling smugly”) it looked like they were really stretching yet again. Sure, the dude has a recording career, but are we just going to get more Tarantino levels of mentor-ism? (Example: “Ok, this time try it with your hands IN your pockets. That’s right. In your pockets. Ok, now this time let’s do it all pouty. Ok, take 7!”) But no, friends. The answer is “No.” Apparently Jamie actually knows what he’s talking about, and he was able to coax great performances out of all of the kids. I enjoyed what Jamie done brung to the table. He should mentor every week. Not perform with his Vocoder every week. But mentoring is fine.
Jamie Foxx. Quality mentor. Impressive hairline. No one is going to see your new movie.
If I’m picking a winner for this week, as I like to do, I might just have to give it to the Goke. For contractual purposes, I cannot give it to Adam, because he’s way too scary. But GrandMaster Foxx was able to bring out one of the best performances from the smug little mouth of Danny Gokey. I was sitting up front on the Gokey Love Train in the beginning of the season, but for the past three or four weeks, I’ve gotten off at Detestation Station. He brings nothing new and inventive to his performances and he hasn’t put me on my butt with a “wow” since making it to the Top 13 as Kris and Allison both have several times. But this was Danny’s best performance since Hollywood Week. Maybe it’s all that time he’s spent “meditating” about it and “studying other unnamed people’s performances.” If Kara is right and Danny would excel at making an album full of standards, there ain’t no way he’s winning this thing. The seven people that would buy such an album are the same ones that were excited to see Taylor Hicks on the results show. And that one rest home in Texas can’t all drive to Kmart together to buy his album. They’d have to go in shifts.
Don’t make the Goke…Angry!
If I’m being honest, Adam was probably the runner up on the show this week. But first a bone to pick. I get that Adam is being pushed on us almost as aggressively as being “green.” “Green It. Mean It” Shut. Up. Already. But for crying out loud, how many times does this dude get the diva treatment and get to close the show? By my scientific count it was four. Four! Out of like 8 Top episodes so far. They couldn’t let Kris Allen finish things off tonight in his suit? Or bathe Allison in some attractive lighting as she struts down the ThunderStairs like a peacock? Adam, I guess your song was good, but I just don’t get your whole thing. You are glitter and spangles and I am corduroy and denim. You are the Pontiac Aztek and I am the Honda Accord. You are the zebra at the zoo. At your core, you’re a friggin’ horse. With stripes. I guess everybody likes zebras. But right now, I don’t get the zebra. I’ve also heard that Andrew Lloyd Webber would like to make you the Phantom in his at-home production. You should PURSUE that! Oh. And also, whenever you sing your last note and you have to stick out your tongue to get there, it’s really kind of gross.
Jazz hands, y’all!
Allison is so great when she’s singing and not so much when she’s talking. In fact, the 12 seconds she took to answer Simon’s question about whether she could win was all it took for Simon for banish her to a third or fourth place finish on the show. Fortunately, her take on “Someone to Watch Over Me” was great and it really looked like she had “connected emotionally” to the song, which this year is just as important as putting your own funky arrangements onto the songs you sing. And I’m assuming that emotional connection because she was kind of misty eyed. Maybe she got some eyeliner in her eye, but it seemed like she took the Foxx’s advice and was thinking about all of the boys that she couldn’t love yet because she was too young. For me for you, it just worked.
Kris started off the show and even though he has quickly become one of my favorites, his “The Way You Look Tonight” would have been perfect background music for sleepwalking or curing insomnia. Didn’t the Rat Pack ever sing any upbeat tunes? Didn’t Sinatra sometimes snap his fingers in 3/4 time and say to his band “Let’s pep it up, fellas”? Because it seems all we heard tonight were some treacly ballads that would do great in my friendly neighborhood elevator. And is it just me, or is Kris’s wife getting just a touch cuter? As if she has her own stylist? Or maybe the fear of losing her husband to a groupie is encouraging her to step her game up? Why do I feel like she’s going to show up to the finale with plastic surgery and a spray-on tan? I’m going to be watching you kids closely. I’m keeping a close eye on Daughtry and his wife and I’ll add you to the list. Once you go all Hollywood, it’s hard to go back. Just ask Pete Wentz. He used to be a normal dude that would have made fun of Ashlee Simpson. Now he has a kid named Mowgli with her. It can happen that fast Mrs. Allen! Beware!
Don’t get surgery, honey.
I’ve finally figured it out. First of all, the fedora was totally appropriate for this week, and I see now that he wears it all the time to take attention away from the huge headlight in the middle of his forehead. I say, embrace that mole. Display it proudly. I did like how Matt pretty much nailed “My Funny Valentine” in rehearsal and then Jamie Foxx decided to add some actual “mentorship” and tell him to change the key. Which sounded ok on the big notes, but the low notes sounded all weird and wonky. That, and the fedora for what seems like the fourth week in a row, can’t spell success here.
Matt and his fedora ride off into the sunset
So after watching the kids actually sing (!) their group performance that was NOT choreographed by Paula this week, it was time to discover the bottom three. And apparently the world was rocked with a Bottom Three of Matt, Kris and what? No? It can’t be! No, no, no, no, no, no, Armageddon is upon us, Adam Lambert!!! With Danny and Allison the only ones that are safe this week, we were subjected to shocked looks from Randy and Kara, small children crying in the audience, and someone punching puppies WAY in the back of the audience. That’s how distraught everyone was. Distraught! Glam Stoker can NOT be in the Bottom Three! Most Glamourous Three–yes! Bottom of anything–no! Luckily, I’ve been watching this show since it’s inception and I know what’s going on here. First of all, people that were voting for Anoop and Lil HATE Adam. So they voted for Allison. Secondly, the producers are now realizing that it would be weird to have Danny and his little heart thing that he makes with his hands in the finals, so they are trying to incite Adam’s voters to not be complacent and dial like little monkeys for their little emo doll for the rest of the season. I’m predicting 62 million votes next week, and 96% of them will be for Adam.
Matt was shown the door for something like the 16th time, and I thought I caught a glimpse of Kara trying to convince Simon to keep him on the show and Simon telling her “We’ve already done that” and then Kara slowly sinking to the floor as she realized that her soulful plaything for this season was actually going away. For good. Until that magical, life changing tour! Good bye Matt. You are a quality entertainer and a good singer. I think you’ll be better off away from this show quite honestly. If nothing else, you and Jamie Foxx can hang out after the show, and maybe go hat shopping together. Now THAT I would like to see.