When I hear the word “disco” it makes me get all cold and clammy inside and have visions of the Bee Gees and hairy chests and fevers that only happen on Saturday Night. (Or, if you’re Kara, Saturday Night Live.) So when I heard that the theme this week was disco, I started breathing all heavy like I had just been abducted and thrown in the back of one of those window-less kidnapper vans. You know, in keeping with the 1970’s theme this week, because the ’70’s were all about avoiding kidnappers in window-less vans.
Standard edition kidnapper van. A staple of the ’70’s
However, lucky for us, the home viewer, many of the kids decided to show their “artistry” (probably just to get Kara to shut up about it) and switch up their disco-fied songs into songs that were actually um…good. Here is my personal list of the good, the bad and the lycra-ensconced.
1. Kris Allen
Yes, Kris was good, yet again. In fact, I have actually made my way over to the iTunes and purchased this weeks “She Works Hard for the Money” and last week’s “Falling Slowly” and I have used actual money to do so. He was actually able to uncover the “story” under this Donna Summer song, and that story is about someone who works hard. And they do it for money. Nicely done, Kris. Way to get at the meat of this deep story. However, I did enjoy Seacrest imploring me before he sang, “You’re going to like this one.” Thanks Ry. I guess all that time hanging at your place listening to our favorite CD’s together and making pita bread has really paid off. You know what I like! Thanks for that!
Working hard for that money. And the win!
2. Allison Iraheta
First of all, anyone that can take one of THE most annoying disco songs in the world and turn into a hard rock burner worth actually listening to, deserves more than Paula’s outstretched seal claps and Kara’s constant cooing about artistry. This girl turned it out! And even though she was wearing what equated to a leather leotard with weird pleather epaulets, she still managed to make this song one of the best o’ the night. Now if only we could see her actual hair color, I really think we’d be on to something. Unless it would be like seeing Mickey Mouse at Disneyland take his costume off and start guzzling Jack Daniels and smoking Marlboro Reds. Nobody wants to see that. Nobody. And it just might be like that for our Allison. America already doesn’t really like her much.
What. Are you wearing?
3. Matt Giraud
The best part about this performance was during the Results Show when Giraud went out of his way to let us all know that he did the arrangement himSELF. Take that, Glambert and your musical theatre-arranging pals! When I found out he was doing this song I was a little disappointed because it’s so unoriginal. It’s like going to TGI Fridays on a…Friday! But Matt did a pretty good job. That is, until he fell back on his Achilles heel of cramming every single scale and note into his closing thirty seconds. Almost as if he doesn’t make the song tapout by the end that Mick’s going to cut him when he gets back to his corner. So the first 1 minute and 15 seconds – good. Last 30 seconds – very un-fedora worthy.
I’ve had just about enough of the Goke. To me, he’s officially worn out his welcome. And yo, dude, like, yo, I love…yo, I used to LOVE the Goke. Back when he was an amateur singer with a newly deceased wife. But now that he’s become immune to the Bottom Three even when he sucks, and it’s newsworthy when he DOESN’T wear glasses, and he sings some really tired songs with no inspiration, like “September”, I’m starting to see the point of all of those Anti-Gokes. It seems like more and more, Danny is sliding into Michael McDonald territory. Actually, I think the Doobie Brothers are still touring. He could step right in there after finishing third! That’s right, you heard me. Third.
Getting ready for that Doobie Brothers tour
Thanks for your arrangement for which you received assistance. Also, thank you for being upbeat one week, and soulful and artistic the next. That means this next week, we can expect an upbeat song that sucks. And just to make sure you’re paying attention, Glam Stoker’s Dracula will be sure to add some screeches and primal screams to the mix just because he can. You go, girl!
Please. Go away.
Oh my boy Anoop. I’m sorry that you’ve been Chris Slighed in this competition. You start out all fun and upbeat and sing “My Prerogative” and “Beat It” and then get slammed, so you become the Lionel Richie of the show. It’s too bad that you couldn’t pick a quality song to go out on though. “Dim All The Lights”? You’re my boy, Anoop, but yes please.
A HairBall Coughed Up on the Linoleum Floor of Life
It’s not bad enough that Lil got stuck going first, but she also got stuck having to encrust all of her curves into what equated to a spandex body stocking. If you turned up the sound real loud, you could hear that leotard screaming. Screaming. I would hate to have been backstage when they shoehorned that thing on. This is why they have interns at Fox. But again, Lil sang a song. Chaka Khan. Just like Chaka Khan would have sung it if she was being portrayed by an awful Chaka Khan impersonator. We’ll be seeing ya, Lil. Nice work on the show, and I’m sorry that you’re not actually the second coming of Whitney Houston like they were trying to convince us of during Hollywood Week, but I’m sure there’s a cruise ship somewhere with your name on it. The S.S. Rounds. Sailing nightly to Baja. It comes with free room and board!
Where do you even BUY this? Your stylist HATED you!
P.S. Disco sucks.