Selecting favorite songs from movies usually means that we’re in for an entertaining week. The kids can pick some fun songs you know, from movies, and we get to see just what kind of freak Quentin Tarantino actually is. Because if any human could be a cartoon, it’s that dude. In fact he looks an awful lot like that Quagmire guy from “Family Guy.” I’ve never really seen a human with a square face before. But luckily, he directs movies so he can certainly direct our little singers! Singing and acting are practically the same thing! Just like George Clooney could probably teach a class on open heart surgery. Celebrities can do anything!
Tarantino. They iz the same person.
This was a great week for reminding us that our kids are about as original as popsicle sticks. And apparently they’re all fans of Bryan Adams or just songs that suck in general. With the exception of one of them. It also made the point that even when only two judges are talking, it’s just as annoying as having four talk at once. Randy is officially dead to me, and Paula really needs to fire her writer. She was spouting some kind of NONsense this week. But in that regard, it’s kind of nice to have the weird, seal-clapping Paula back.
Best O’ The Night
Best song of the night, hands down Randy(!!!!!) was Kris Allen. For me, for you America, even if you’ve never seen the movie “Once” before, you should be able to realize that this particular song (“Falling Slowly”) is amazing. And Kris sang it perfectly. Yes, maybe he did mess up one or two notes at the beginning, but once he got comfortable it was pretty spectacular. I got freaking goosebumps even and that hasn’t happened to me since David Cook’s “Billie Jean”, anything from Elliott Yamin, or since watching the final fight in “Rocky III” when the “Eye of the Tiger” came on. THAT’s how serious this is!
What? Is Randy talking or having a stroke?
But dude. Randy needs to hand in his resignation papers right now, or attend a school to actually learn a trade. The world needs quality pipefitters or welders, dawg. Because for someone who claims to be a “judge” and offer “insightful, helpful” comments. This man is an abomination. He even makes Paula look lucid, which as of last year I thought was next to impossible. Here’s his comments word for freaking word after Kris’ performance. I kid you not:
”Yo, Kris. All right, so check it out man. Uh, dude, for me…for me, for you tonight dude, I gotta tell you somethin’ man, I don’t know, I didn’t — it never quite caught on — for me. And I love, and yo, I love…I love that song. But for me it was pitchy from note one for me. For me!”
This man needs to be beat with a bag of hammers! And then be forced to listen to his own soundbites for weeks while he ponders what exactly “For me, for you” MEANS! Especially since he must have said it about 16 times tonight! You could put a mop in his chair, and when it fell, the sound IT makes would be more meaningful than the crap that just came out of Randy’s mouth! Kara, could you please slip a Twinkie or a roofie into his giant Coke glass and help us all? Kris wins tonight. Wins.
For me, for you…you make no sense.
On a night where you’ve got a full orchestra, violins, cellos and other frou frou instruments, I guess it’s a good idea to take advantage of them. Allison sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from the crappy “Armageddon” movie. Needless to say, she kicked it right in the nether regions and made it cry. And even though she was the third Idol person in three seasons to sing this song, obviously her rendition was the best. And for the first time in pretty much ever, Simon has apparently been watching tape of past shows, and has finally realized that Allison sings each song she attempts as if she’s singing for a new bottle of Electric Magnesium Hot Pink Hair Dye Number 3. He returned from his Season 8-induced coma long enough to say that she could actually go all the way. WHAAAAAT? First of all Simon, you actually know her name? And what are you trying to do now? Jinx her with some Lil Rounds dust? This was a very weird set of events to start off the show.Kind of like staring directly into the sun and seeing a “Stryper” video instead. That totally happened to me once by the way.
Apparently Anoop has decided that if he needs to stop visiting the bottom-dwelling silver stools of doom that he needs to sing a ballad every week until he dies. Which personally I’m fine with because he always does a nice job and he sang “Everything I Do, I Do It for Mary Elizabeth Mastrontonio playing Maid Marion” from Bryan Adams quite nicely. Unfortunately it gives the judges an automatic source of criticism, because they miss the “fun, energetic” Anoop that they love so much. It’s kind of like when you tell your alchoholic buddy that he’s so much more fun when he’s drunk, and when he’s sober, he’s no longer the “fun, energetic” drunk that you love being around. I feel like each week we watch Anoop shuffle off the stage and head right to the liquor store so that he can be the drunk friend we all like better. Just like your buddy, this is not going to end well.
The Goke is kind of starting to wear on me. He’s a good singer, and from the beginning has been one of my favorites, but the intense, emotionally astute Goke with the meaningful song choices week in and week out leaves me somewhat emotionally exhausted. Maybe he should have tried out next year, when he would have been a slightly pudgy 29-year old man who had actually had a chance to grieve for his dead wife so that every week we’re not subjected to another meaningful song where he can point heavenward. Sometimes I just want to sit on my couch, eat ramen and escape my daily duties as a nuclear submarine driver. Not have my mindless entertainment be invaded by actual emotion, sadness and “Endless Love!” If I wanted that, I would watch Law & Order. Probably the one with Ice T in it. That one’s sad.
Anyway, the Goke did ok. But that’s it. He also inserted his trademark left hand point and penetrating stare into the camera combo. I’m glad that Tarantino made him practice with his hands in his pockets. I noticed when he did that, his singing was much weaker. Almost Norman Gentle-ish. It’s almost like his moving his hands around like a helicopter is what gives him his power. He also tried to be No Glasses Man this week, and it was kind of like seeing your friend show up with a new moustache. You try not to stare and you don’t want to tell how weird his face looks, but you’re just hoping that he shaves it off soon or becomes a cop. Also, no matter what Danny does, Simon still finds a way to compliment him. Even when anyone else would be raked over the coals as if they were Allison Iraheta. “You performed without glasses beautifully tonight, Danny”
Danny. Glasses. Oh yeah, and his hands
Matt Giraud attempted “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” to round out what was quickly becoming Bryan Adams week. The beginning of this song was great, but then he decided to kick away his piano bench and have the stupid band join him. Which then encouraged him to cram in every soulful run and signature “Whoa oooo” that has ever been invented. Sometimes I just wish the dude could sing a song straight without bending his notes in every direction like William Wallace at the end of “Braveheart.”
Oh boy. Where to start. Well one thing that I’ve noticed about Axl Rose Lite is that he SUCKS at picking songs. “Born to Be Wild”? Out of all the songs in all the movies in the world he’s picking that one? And then he picked “Play That Funky Music” two weeks ago? For someone so thoroughly entrenched in musical theater, he certainly does not have good taste in music. I’m suprised he didn’t try to sing a Jonas Brothers song, because “Jonas Brothers 3D–The Movie” just came out, y’all! Not even anything from Barbra Streisand or Dolly Parton? Your high school drama club must have been very disappointed. Anyway, I think I fell asleep during this song a few times, but he woke me up whenever he kicked into full caterwaul and started throwing his spandex clad legs around. It was kind of like watching “Grease” with an all vampire cast.
How can you root for this?
And speaking of rabid monkeys, let’s talk about Adam’s fans. Like Paula Abdul, some of them are freaking cray-zy! Let’s open up the mailbag to see what’s inside the psyche of an average Adam Lambert fan (heavily edited of course, because 4-year old children and my deceased grandma regularly read this site.)
From adam lambert fannnnnnn and you are a (piece of crap)
at the following email address: (redacted due to government investigation)
and the following IP address: 22.214.171.124
you know what everyone love him like i do
so if you talk about him then you are a (defecation) you off the toilet eww,
you know if you are not afried then i want to hear you sing i don’t think you can handle that job you (fornicator) because adam worked hard to get to the place he is now
get out of here you (defecant) maybe or you are wayyyyyyyyy uglier then him, or a fat geek sitting infront of the computer talking about celebrities that you are jealouse of because they were wayy better then you are
so next time you write something you better think about how to write it, get it
you mother (fornicator) (female dog) big fat hoe (self-explanatory) that can’t grow up and don’t even think about typing his name get!!!! it you (female dog) baster (never heard this one before) or you will be in seriouse troble by all his fan including me!!!!!!!
you know even you hate him or love him you are still talkin about him by that meaning you like him .
(make love to yourself)!!!
you big (butt) (whore) son of a (feminine dog)
DON’T EVER TALK ABOUT HIM !!!!!!!!! you mother (fornicator) (dog)
Whoo! Well if I may, I would love to respond to feilore’s email statement. In parts. First of all feilore@(redacted).com, the beautiful thing about typing an email response is that you can use this crazy thing called SPELL CHECK. Not only will your statements be more powerful, but they will actually make sense, you freaking nitwit. For example, “You off the toilet ewww, ” What? Why even insert the comma in the first place? Why pretend that you know any rules of grammar, after you’ve ignored even the most basic rule involving the capitalization of the first letter of each sentence? They probably don’t teach that in metal shop, though.
maybe or you are wayyyyyyyyy uglier then him, or a fat geek sitting infront of the computer talking about celebrities that you are jealouse of because they were wayy better then you are — Yes, feilore. I am way uglier than Adam and I am indeed a fat geek sitting in front of a computer. Hence the name of my site, dillweed. It’s not called “SexyAttractiveTrain.wordpress.com” Oh no, I’ll tell you and your unemployed mother that I am in fact a dork. And it goes without saying that if most of my communication takes place electronically, that I am also fat. However, your boy Adam is also a little soft around the edges and he performs for a freaking living! Also everyone knows that celebrities are sooooo much better than normal people! Why else would they keep them all contained in one place, with drug rehabilitation centers on every corner?! Pretending to be someone else for a two hour movie is haaaard work. It doesn’t even require that thing called spelling. Just reading and flossing. I could NEVER doooo that. I AM a little bit concerned that you feel so strongly about Adam that you need to write on a BLOG that NO ONE reads to stand up for your favorite fairy vampire. I mean, that’s just weird. How much time do they give you in County Jail to access the Interwebs?15 minutes a day, and you come here?
so next time you write something you better think about how to write it, get it
you mother (fornicator) (female dog) big fat hoe–I will feilore! I will THINK about something before I write it! And I think after thinking about it, that I will have gotten it. Get it? Thank you for the advice!
that can’t grow up and don’t even think about typing his name get!!!! it you (female dog) baster or you will be in seriouse troble by all his fan including me!!!!!!!–Thank you again, feilore! I will not even think about typing Adam Lambert’s name one more Adam Lambert time. One time I was watching Adam Lambert and I was thinking to myself, ” I wonder if I were to take the Adam Lambert bus to my Adam Lambert house in the Adam Lambert suburbs, where the Adam Lambert would I be?” Ooops. Am I now in seriouse troble by all his fan? I’m mighty scared of all one of his fan. Especially since I have no idea what “troble” even is! Is it something really frightening? Like chlamydia? Feilore?
DON’T EVER TALK ABOUT HIM !!!!!!!!! you mother (fornicator) (dog)–Thank you for your passion feilore@(redacted).com. I applaud it. The thing is, (redacted) last time I paid my taxes, (both state and federal, feilore. You should try it sometime. I know, I REALIZE that would require you to acquire some sort of gainful employment making my sandwiches from which the government could garnish your wages for taxation purposes. And while we’re at it, I WILL take mustard with that. And please toast it. ) I realized that this gained me entrance into the country of America where I can shout my opinion from the rooftops, even if it’s a contrary opinion to someone else who cannot spell and makes up entire words like “bitch baster.” Although that one WAS kind of funny. In short redacted, as the kids in junior high would say, you are a heaping bag of douche. That is all.
And back to the competition! Our girl Lil ended the show again in her second stint in the pimp spot. And she WASTED it. I think it was great that she tried something different that was NOT Mary J. Blige, but this girl is so intent on listening to every stupid thing that every stupid judge says, that she has no idea what color the sky is anymore. It’s blue, Lil. Blue. Every day. Especially in LA. Except when it’s gray from all of the smog. Girlfriend, you just need to sing good songs. That’s all. Even though Simon has now turned his back on you, I feel like you have a good voice. When you’re singing. Not when you’re talking. Your Mimphis drawl is wayyy too crazy for me. Anyway, the show ended with Lil and her fancy angular wig crying. Again. She really needs tougher skin, but then I realized she’s only 23. When I was 23, I barely knew how to pour my own bowl of cereal. If not for Pop Tarts, I would have died. She’ll get there. One day.
Yes Lil, you sucked again
Our boy Anoop was in the Bottom Three. Again. I think we need to get an intervention going soon, and we need to remove all sharp objects and ropes from his room in the mansion. Every results show Anoop looks like one of those kids from the “Kite Runner.” He is sad and knows his life sucks in Afghanistan. While Kris and Allison are joking around and slapping high fives during the results show, Anoop is constantly searching for a 1976 Impala, a garage and a garden hose. I’m worried about him.
Lil was also magically in the Bottom Three. I don’t believe that this has ever happened before. Ever! Her time on this show seems to be slowly drawing to a close. Unless she shocks the world and sings an acoustic song. Preferably not by Bryan Adams. But she’s so confused that you just know she’s going to find a way to make Mary J. Blige disco this week. And it will fail.
Matt Giraud’s somewhat shaky performance earned him his ticket off the show. But wait, what, what are they doing? What are those judges doing? Why is Randy wildly gesturing and doing the worst acting job known to man? We all know he would have to watch the show and come equipped with a pair of ears to be “fighting” to use the save. Wait, are they going to save Matt? My eyes! I can’t believe my eyes! I’ve just witnessed the judges freaking SAVE! It’s like seeing a mystical white wooly mammoth, or a narwahl that can shoot magical powers from it’s lone horn, or Simon wearing a shirt that is NOT a V-neck! I will never forget this day EVARRR! Even though they were sort of forced to use the save this week no matter who was in the bottom as they can only use it next week, and no one deserves to be saved on Disco Night. I’m going to email feilore@(redacted).com right now to talk about it! You should do the same, grandma!