First, a brief preface. I am old. If I can remember what I was doing almost to the minute on the day Allison was born (1992–NOT watching the Barcelona Olympics, but instead stuffing my face with a huge gelato in an Italian piazza) then I am one of two things: a freaking genius, or really, decrepitly old. And I am going to vote for the latter. (Or is it the former? And whoever coined this phrase is only slightly more pretentious than the people that try to use it.)
Now, our little talent show was a good time this week, because we get to see the crappy songs that the contestants select from the years that they were born. With an entire year’s worth of songs to pick from, why is it that the kids always seem to pick the dryer lint when they’ve got a perfectly good pair of argyle socks they can select instead? And since you asked, my selection for song from when I was born? Well that’s easy. Bon Jovi’s “Wanted: Dead or Alive.” And no, I wasn’t born in 1986, but the songs that were around in 1928 when I was born really suck.
What the junk is this?
To start things off this week, we got the Goke who was given the opportunity to go first because he’s the oldest person in the competition. At least that we know of. I’m still convinced that Adam is a 46 year old woman with a youthful haircut, a PTA membership and a spangly girdle to keep everything in. But anyway, the Goke kind of cheated and sang “Stand by Me” a song that was originally written by cavemen trapped in ice 3,000 years ago. Although he did sing Mickey Gilley’s version of the song which was apparently from the year he was born. First of all, Mickey Gilley? I can understand David Cook breaking off a sweet cover version originally done by Chris Cornell, because he’s at least relevant, but I haven’t heard of Mickey Freaking Gilley since that one “Love Boat” episode he was on last in 1978. Where he was trapped in the Captains quarters with the ship’s purser, Julie. Who knew that Mickey Gilley actually had a song out in the last 28 years? Not me! Goker did a pretty good job, although the middle part was WAY too Mickey Gilley-ish.
Kris Allen sang a Don Henley song that has always been a favorite of mine. Until he performed it with the crappy American Idol band and he planted himself in a sea of waving arms and awestruck pubescents. It was a good attempt, but with the trumpets trumpeting, and Kris strumming away on a guitar, and his mouth only opening at the sides to let the song come out while trying to get a glimpse of him through the swaying arms of the female populance in the Idol pit, there was a lot going on. I actually agreed with Kara for once, (when she’s not yammering on about this concept of “artistry” she can find a good point every now and then) and thought his “jazz funk homework” was trying a little bit too hard. Luckily, he’s hot. You know, if you like that sort of thing. (cough Adam cough)
Why does the world have no love for Anoop? After five performances now, no one has been in the bottom three more than him with the exception of my favorite flame-haired belter. What does he have to do, people? He wears stylish sweaters! He sang a ballad this week which has always been, to quote Randy “right there in his wheelhouse” and he took “True Colors” and made it freaking better! And still, he is made to sit in the fancy stool of the doomed. Oh Anoop. Maybe when this is all over you can organize a Tour of Those That Were Kicked Off Too Soon with Alexis Grace, Iraheta, Felicia Barton and that one Cobra Kai guy who got beat in his tournament WAY too early. I’d pay to see that.
And I’m relieved that Lil Rounds’ mother got to come on camera and defend her choice of name. Good work mama to the Rounds. I’m just glad that Lil didn’t marry a dude with the last name Wil. That would have been straight up weird, or she would have to ditch singing for rapping, which actually… might not be such a bad idea. To my relief, it appears that they have finally procured Lil a current, much better weave to place atop her head. One that actually causes her to look close to her age, and not like an 80-year old woman on her way to Bingo Night. But Lil, seriously. I don’t sing, like at all, yet even I know the key to going far on American Idol is to take unique, interesting songs and change ’em up all Lil-style. Not pick songs from the top 6 Female Singers Evarrr and mimic their style and phrasing, exactly! Did you notice that she even came out just LIKE Tina Turner. It was like watching a music video from the 1980’s except Lil’s hair was only a slight improvement over Tina’s mocha streaked mop. And once again, Lil beat her song into submission until it was crying for mercy and begging to be smothered with a pillow. Every week, the judges say this: “This week I was really looking forward to you coming out and showing what you’re made of…” and every week, she does the same stupid Whitney or Mariah or Mary J. Blige song, except worse. Luckily, I’ve had her figured out since Hollywood Week. She ain’t that good, people! She’s a backstory with back! And she attempts to swallow the microphone every time she sings. Lil, listen. You need to sit on a stool, with one spotlight and sing a SOFT, acoustic version of something. Anything. Even that stupid “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” that Katharine McPhee liked so much. Do that, and you’ll dominate. But…I know you won’t.
Blind Dude. Electric Guitar. Shorter Afro. One the Sweetest Survivor Songs Ever. Still Can’t Sing.The judges started to be a little bit meaner to him, like a cat batting around a mouse before he kills and eats it, but they still could have been much more no-nonsense. I think Simon did this on purpose, as he’s so checked out, he’s trying to encourage all of the disabilities to try out next year. Have no face, or mouth to sing with? Come on out! We’ll put you through to an 8th place finish, No Face Person! It’s going to be a disaster next year.
Allison Iraheta can get absolutely no Simon love. I’m starting to think that she needs to dye her hair blond, get giant boob implants and change her name to Cameron Summers or Cassidy Jones or something so that Simon will rouse himself from his weekly nap long enough to pay attention to her, even though yes Randy, she IS singing her freaking face off! The British dude HATES her for some reason, and he continues to sabotage her every week. My favorite MexAmerican can sing like a younger, raspier Whitney Houston, and all he can do is doodle in his notebook “Adam Lambert is the best vampire singer EVARRR. I imagine him holding me in his cold, Edward Cullen-esque arms while he calls me Bella” and dotting the i’s with hearts. I now only watch her every week to not just witness a virtuoso performance but to see just how far under the actual bus or bread delivery truck, or kidnapper van he will throw her. Mark my words, this week will be no exception. She will bring Paula to tears (not all that uncommon) and Simon will be drawing a tattoo on Paula’s hindquarters in sidewalk chalk. I shitake mushroom you not.
Matt Giraud: wearing a fedora jauntily cocked. Kara goes wild before he even starts singing. He then takes on Stevie Wonder’s “Part Time Lover” which makes me groan and cover my face in fear. The Giraud Squad is going to take this cheesy ’80’s song and make it WURSE. But he does not. He does a fine job with it. I would not have yelled out “Standing O” a la Paula, but I would have yelled out something more appropriate like “You can be Paula’s part-time lover anytime. No really, she would like that, she’s lonely and has many shih tzu’s. And since Emilio, she really hasn’t dated much. No really. Call her.” I probably would have said something like that.
1982 (or… ’62)And then for the night’s “emotional” conclusion: Adam Lambert bathed in blue light, everybody! Except I was one of millions who missed his heartfelt rendition of GARY JULES version of “Mad World” circa 2004 because my DVR shut off. I mean, you can’t expect a show to go over by EIGHT freaking minutes, and not have my DVR skip over to record the rest of “Biggest Loser”, Seacrest. Why don’t you move things along in the beginning, when they spend 12 minutes talking about how DISAPPOINTED they are that Lil Rounds sucked it up again? We need to hire Bill Conte from the Oscars to start playing music when they spend way too much time chatting on the stools in the first 23 minutes, so they don’t have to sprint towards the end. Honestly. But in actuality, I looked at it as a gift from the DVR gods. Instead of having to fastforward through the judge worship at the end of his performance, I just had to turn off YouTube before that point.
I quite enjoyed the interview with his family, as they all seem so normal, and his family seems eerily well adjusted for having a boy vampire. Do you think they know? As further proof, I did catch a glimpse of 6-year old Adam in a nice little vampire costume there for a second, so yes people, I have been right all this time. He IS undead and immortal! I thought that Adam’s performance of a Tears for Fears song that had been re-done in 2004 was pretty good. However,I certainly wouldn’t have expected Simon to actually get out of his chair, which is something he NEVER does. I’m thinking with the show going long, he was due for a smoke, and was standing up just to move that along. He certainly has SOMETHING for our little Adam, doesn’t he? But as I am learning, the Lambert has some PASSIONATE fans. Including Simon. But more on that later.