First and foremost, I have to get this off of my chest. What the freak is the Grand Ole Opry in the first place? And why is it so revered? I know that the official, very serious Seacrest Voiceover started to tell me in the intro, but all I saw was a bunch of black and white pictures, cowboy hats and Minnie Pearl and I couldn’t stop myself from fast forwarding. My finger pushed the button on it’s own accord, I swares!
It’s nice to see that two weeks in, we’re now firmly entrenched in the fluff that makes American Idol so great. Namely, guest judgery! And our first guest judge of this 2009 season, is someone called Mr. Randy Travis. And I only call him Mr. because of his:
- Impressive shock of curly hair that falls so playfully into his long, Lyle Lovett-esque face
- His huge freaking pythons. This old dude could whip up on me!
- His charming, deer in the headlights wife with a frightening platinum blond wig
- His overwhelming and apparent fear of Adam Lambert. Which i share. You go, RT!
The Guns of Randy Travis
Another question that’s been bothering me all night. On a night featuring country music songs, how the eff are you supposed to tell which song is “good” and which song is “not?” It’s like determining which type of leprosy is better. Is it the leprosy that makes your skin actually slough off of your body (good) or the kind that gives you sores and requires banishment to Molokai in the 1950’s (not)? It’s like picking the best way to die. When all is said and done, you’re still dead whether you burned or drowned. Country music is weird.
Interesting observation #1: you can always tell which contestants the guest judges are impressed with, and which ones they can’t wait to get away from. And RT was no exception. He could barely uncurl his lips from his huge gums as the disgust entered his body when certain singers performed and then went in for the awkward guest judge hug at the end. You could literally see his brain swirling as black nail polish Adam Lambert went in for the hug, and Redneck Randy was left to wonder how he was going to wash all of that gay off of him when he got home.
Garth Brooks Memorial Award for Sing-Songery
After teetering on the precipice of doom last week, it appears that everyone’s favorite Slumdog Hundredaire is clawing his way back to the top of the heap. Attempting the previously “untouchable” “You Were Always on My Mind.” (Note to Kara: I used to like you, but now you are as annoying as your Cheryl Tiegs wings. Each and every week you seem to make Paula seem more and more sane. And this is simply unacceptable. Just so’s you know, Kara, this song has been attempted by everyone from Elvis, Brenda Lee, the freaking Pet Shop Boys to the second-worst Idol champion of all, Fantasia Barrino. I don’t think this QUITE qualifies for untouchable status, sweetheart. Please get back to pondering which artist is the most “commercial.”) Anoop, although looking visibly nervous, came out and sang his freaking face off. Easily the best vocal of the night, Randy. So suck it. Also, bonus points to the masters student for using the phrase “impetus” in his interview package. I don’t believe a word of that caliber has ever been uttered on this show. Hooray for edu-ma-cation.
Kara, THIS is untouchable
I know, I can’t believe that I’m putting Kris in my top Three of the night either, I mean, he STILL spells his name like a chick, but I have to give him some respect for his “vulnerable” “restrained” take on whatever that song was that he sang. And you have to admit, the weird way that he was clutching the microphone made him come off as a skinnier, better-taste-in women, Nick Lachey clone. Not typically a good thing, but at this stage in the contest, resembling any person who has had a recording career EVER no matter how bad, only helps your cause.
Separated at birth?
What more can be said about my favorite, crazy Latina? She stalks the stage like a freaking pro, sings as if her life depends on it, and even with a crappy country song coming out of her mouth, STILL manages to make it a fun song to listen to. If I can drop a little Idol history on you, every year there emerges a dark horse candidate that you say to yourself, “Where the crap did they come from?” (Hello Elliot Yamin and David Freaking Cook) I don’t need to remind you that this time last year, David Cook was a self-described nerd who in his pre-song package was extolling the virtues of crossword puzzles. Crossword puzzles? You couldn’t also mention that you like to use hot pads when you retrieve warm entrees out of the oven? Apparently my grandma is hard rock as well, because she enjoys dominating a nice crossword puzzle on a Sunday afternoon. And this guy came from out of nowhere to WIN! I’m calling it right now. Shebringstheheta will finish third. Mostly because her hair is a non-classified shade of red, and I can’t stand it when she talks.
Ok, here it is. When Matt Giraud gets over himself for just a second, he can straight up sing. I get that he has to use the piano to really bring out his voice, but here are two performances in a row now where he has done “brung it.” And with the exception of some shaky parts in both, he’s freaking good. Compare him to Michael Buble’ or Justin Timberlake or whoever, but Giraud is one to watch. At least I hope so. Because you know the minute he starts to decline into “mediocre” territory, Kara will rip into him like he just snatched the sweater off of her chihuaha. I worry for him if that happens, because she seems like she can be straight up mean, y’all.
Disappointed that he hasn’t won yet
You know how Travis Tritt is an ok singer (I guess) but you wouldn’t know it, because the whole time you’re just looking at his hair. Like HOW did that mess of Sasquatch come to be on that man’s head? And is it a mullet, or just one really long split end? It’s downright distracting.
Dude, what IS that on your dome?
As are these singers.
Grrrrr. I didn’t think your take on “Jolene” was all that bad. To me from you, it sounded aiiight. But I don’t understand why you’re so desperate to move forward in this competition that you’re saying crazy things like, “If I make it through to next week, I’ll bring the dirty next time.” I don’t understand this. Why don’t you just bring some good singing? Leave the dirty to Simon’s t-shirt. (For a multi-millionaire, that dude sure does dress like a Mumbai street kid. 2nd Slumdog reference in a row, and I STILL haven’t seen this movie!)You are better than this, Ms. Grace. Even your kid thinks so. She told me.
With his rendition of “Jesus Take the Wheel” Danny seemingly has given the finger to the 17 atheists that have carried him this far in the competition. That’s fine, Danny. We’ll see how you fare tonight. Because since the “Atheists for Gokey” don’t spend any time praying to an unseen God, they have even more time to dial those phones on Tuesday nights. I think that may hurt you in the long run, buddy, but it’s your choice to go all inspirational on us. He did an ok job, with what I’m sure he was hoping would be an “uplifting and relevant” metaphor for his life thus far. And really, as much as I hate to side with Simon, the creamy half-trench that adorned his torso really did make it difficult to focus on his vocals because he looked so…bloated and belted. Like a grape wearing a seatbelt or something. I wasn’t aware that StormTrooper chic was back in, but I’m going to have to dig up my plastic shoulder pads. By the way, Randy Travis doesn’t have a lot of love for Danny. Screw up that many times in rehearsal, and Randy’s curly locks start shaking with disgust automatically.
This one was ugly. The way the judges treated her was kind of like watching a wolf turn her back on her young. (Simon pretending not to know your name!) Even though you know it’s for her own good, and that it was coming the whole time, you still want to tell that callous wolf mother to turn back. Turn back! Your wolf cub is crying up there! Up to this point, Ms. Rounds has gotten nothing but rainbows and unicorns from the judges and got to smugly sit in the wings while other, less round contestants got slathered in criticism. I say, it’s been a long time coming. She may blame it on the fact that she was “honoring” country music, but I blame it on the fact that it takes her whole face to sing a song, and often when she’s yelling singing that I fear for all of the little children. On the earth.
And what is up with putting Ms. Rounds in a freaking tube dress every. Single. Week??? I know that she may be a challenge to cover as she has more curves than Lombard Street, but give the girl a chance. She CAN wear jeans, or a nice jacket. I’m sure that even Danny could loan her a trenchcoat or four. You’re killing me stylists! And hot pink! Are you trying to get her kicked off for being visually offensive?
Ok, not a tube dress but still offensive
Hot pink tube dress. Oh, and tears. (Probably because she is channeling Molly Ringwald in ANY John Huston film)
And p.s. Randy, your suggestion that she sing “I Will Always Love You” is about one of the stupidest things I’ve heard since you ripped on what’s her name for singing a “band” song. Since Whitney took that Dolly Parton song and broke it over her knee in 1992, no one can touch it. Not even Rounds. The Randy Dumb Idea count is now up to about 112 this season. Actually, Number 113 was your scarf on results night.
Megan Joy Corkrey
Hi Megan. I don’t know if it’s because you were sick or what, but what happened to your last name? Are you tired of everyone searching for “Megan Corky” on Google instead of CorkREY? Did you get word of my critiques on your Cokrey Corkscrew™. Do you know how much it costs to get a freaking trademark these days? I don’t just select it from a menu of special characters! Oh no, I filed paperwork and legal briefs and all kinds of crap! What am I supposed to do now? The Megan Joy Jumparound? The Joyful Jazzercicle? See? I’m screwed now. Thanks, Megan! I give you about three more weeks before you pull a Fantasia (ne’ Barrino) and drop your last, middle name all together. Good luck to anyone hoping to find you on the Interwebs.
Anyway, in case you didn’t hear, Ms. Megan was sick tonight, y’all. And I wouldn’t have known it, except everytime she wasn’t singing, she was coughing or looking pathetically miserable, or Kara was reminding all of us that she has influenza B. Which I then looked up. And if you didn’t know, B comes after A in the alphabet, so it’s pretty bad. She was also in the hospital, but apparently got well enough at show time to put on a dress that seemingly was attached only to her twins and nothing else. I think I sensed a twinge of jealousy from Adam that she looked much better than him in the evening gown portion. She sang “Walking After Midnight” and thankfully this week didn’t “caw” after her performance. Maybe if she had been feeling a little more spry. As she will receive a free pass, I wonder how soon until Sarver starts to develop symptoms. Which brings me to…
Billy Ray Cyrus Wants His Vocal Stylings Back
So, this category is reserved for two decidedly nice dudes, that just really can’t sing a freaking lick. I mean at this point in the game, they’re the Toledo Mud Hens playing the Atlanta Braves. Or Brian Orser competing against Brian Boitano. It’s just not going to happen dude. And I appreciate Michael wearing another choker, but it caused me to wonder how he’s managing to breathe during all those country fried lyrics he needed to spit out.
You’ll never be THIS, Sarver!
To try to distract us from the actual vocal, or that he has now adopted the annoying habit of keeping the beat with his fingers on the microphone, he brought in a harmonica player who looked like he was actually playing! Which caused me to ruminate: where do they find these people? Craigslist? They put out an ad looking for a really ridiculously good harmonica player that is NOT Taylor Hicks? And WHO practices the harmonica for years hoping to be called up on the big idol stage? I’ve been thinking about this one for two days now and it’s driving me crazy. Oh, yeah, sorry Sarver, but you should be headed back to the oil rig any time now.
Visually Impaired Johnson
Hi Scott. Again, you’re a nice guy, and I really would like to hang out with you sometime and play “Battleship” or something like that. But your thin voice just can’t handle the level of competition that you’re at. I can see the judges slowly starting to turn their back on you and it makes me sad. What with Paula and her comments about you leaving the piano behind. And you would then do what, just like, sing? With your voice? Not a good idea. And what does she want you to do, maybe do some choreography as you prance around the stage like some sort of epileptic ocelot? Stick with the piano brother, and start practicing for your gig at the mall.
At least will you TRY the hot tub this week?
Also, did anyone catch the part where Lil was all talking about “oh yeah, it’s fun at the mansion, we swim in the pool and take dips in the hot tub, and order Wienerschnitzel like every night” and Scott talks about his time at the mansion and it’s all “If I’m not sleeping, I’m practicing, playing and arranging.” Homeboy has no time to even eat! And no one to lead him around the house so he stays at the piano for like 12 hours a day! This is cruel and unusual. Please America, send his can home! Also, I’m still waiting for the Ford commercial where he’s the one driving the new Focus. Come on!
Who Should Be Dipped in Batter and Deep Fried, Never to be Heard From Again
Adam. Hey buddy. Uh… I’ve got to tell you that I’m siding with Randy Travis and Simon on this one. WHAT exactly are you? I can understand not wanting to sing a straight up country song, and I can certainly understand finding a cool Jeff Buckley arrangement, because after all, that was the David Cook lifeblood during his 14 weeks on stage. But let’s talk about your skeevy performance, homobre. The leering eyes, and the weird pointing and your body covered in nothing but Hot Topic. It’s like watching an episode of America’s Most Wanted and recognizing your next door neighbor. Creepy. I’m also CONVINCED that you are not 26. No way. You’re 33 if you’re a day, and all of your base and foundation is covering up your crow’s feet and “Tiffany–Mall Tour–1986” Tattoo on your neck. I’m convinced! If you could go away soon, that would be awesome. Because every time you pierce the sound barrier with your tonsils, I know that somewhere in the world a kitten is forced to hurl itself off of a bridge. I happen to like kittens. So please, shut your mouth.
Soooo NOT 26. But vampires apparently don’t age
Ok, so I’ve got to say that I’m a lot bit shocked that Alexis Grace is the one leaving. And that we STILL have not seen a freaking judge’s save! I guess since they only get ONE for the WHOLE Year, they need to save it. Like when Paula saved her Grammy, just so she could show it to the producers to GET this job. I’m Paula Abdul and this is my Grammy. Where do I sit? Saving things is a good thing sometimes. After making a fool out of Alexis by constantly telling her to dip herself in grime, you then leave her off of the tour bus? Did you not hear the tour is pretty much three months of debauchery and singing and watching Scott “arrange” on the bus? (At least, according to Carly Smithson.) You’re cold, judges.
I finally figured it out. Being a member of the Grand Ol’ Opry means that you always have to sing from now on with a weird microphone stand that says “Grand Ol’ Opry” on it. Totally not worth it.
How long do you think it will be before they dye Iraheta’s hair to something actually in the color spectrum? I don’t think my eyes can actually process whatever color her hair currently is. Willy Wonka plurple?
Randy Travis is not very good at pretending to play the guitar, but Carrie Underwood can SANG. She would have done GREAT on this show.