American Idol Recap-The Mediocre 13 Become the Slightly Less Bad 11

Apparently our American Idol is going to be full of shocking twists this year. Jamar Rogers and Felicia Barton aren’t even given a chance to be on the show when the craptastic Tatiana of the Bulls and Norman Gentle ALMOST make the Top 12. Once promising judge Kara DioGuardi now finds a way every week to make Paula Abdul seem more like a human being. (Albeit a human being with limbs like a penguin and a brain no larger than a baby’s fist.) And in the most shocking twist of all, the judges now are able to “save” their favorite contestant if America actually has the audacity to VOTE them out! What’s next? Witty, homophobic banter between Seacrest, Simon and Adam Lambert? Yes.

Sorry buddy

It’s not bad enough that the judges handpicked more than 1/3 of this year’s Top 12 in about fourteen seconds and stuffed it with cannon fodder like Jasmine and Matt Giraud’s collections of hats. But NOW they can simply reverse the decisions made eight year old girls and their hard working digits. I don’t know if you know, but it takes hours and hours of dedication and all ten fingers to vote for David Archuleta from your playgroup! They can’t just undo all of that work.

Actual American Idol Voters

What do you think would have happened if they had “saved” Jennifer Hudson or Chris Daughtry when they got sent home “too early?” Well I’m no prognosticator, but it’s easy to imagine that they would have joined fellow winners Taylor Hicks and Fantasia Barrino as performers at Six Flags Magic Mountain. With two shows on Saturday. As much as we love seeing who wins this show, it’s almost better not to win. (Hi Ruben Studdard. How’s your couch?) So I’m not sure if this whole “saving” idea is such a good thing. Especially after witnessing how the judges think. I mean, did you SEE what Randy was wearing? I don’t trust any dude who lives in LA with that many sweaters.

Randy. A sweater.  A match made in heaven.

So after the revelation of this “shocking” new rule, do you think we would get to see it unleashed upon our unsuspecting contestant? Nope. Maybe in three weeks when America decides that it doesn’t want to be tongue and tonsil whipped again by another Adam Lambert ‘song’ and votes him out. Don’t worry, Lamby! Paula will save you, your pancake makeup and swap meet truckload of pirate jewelry! Edgy!

Not that you asked, but I’m grading this rule change a D+ because I’m feeling generous. A better rule would have been to have the final two singers face off in a cage while Anoop sings “Beat It.” Incorporate that and I’ll move the grade up to a solid B. Speaking of grades, how did the singers do this week?

Well after saying that singers shouldn’t attempt songs by “iconic” singers like Michael Jackson, our first theme night is Michael Jackson. I was actually hoping to catch a glimpse of Billie Jean’s non-lover, but apparently with a live show there was danger of his Silly Putty nose falling off in the heat of the lights. So he stayed home in Dubai, where I’m sure he watched the show in his Snuggee, with a collection of ShamWow’s for when he got emotional by his side, and his son Blanket on his lap. Just like I did.

Michael. Blanket.

First out of the gate was Lil Rounds who must have fallen out of favor with the producers to have become the first singer of the night. That or they were a little angry with her for not listening to her court appointed stylist and stealing her outfit from a tuxedo shop and Jr. Prom supply store.

I’m sensing a high note.

She sang “The Way You Make Me Feel” a favorite of mine. But if the song was any indication, the way you make me feel is all squoogy inside from your uninspired vocal. However, we all know you’re not going anywhere. For at least 7 weeks. Until the judges SAVE you! AAAAGGHH! Lil Rounds. The Round Mound of Rebound.Grade: FAIL

I can’t remember the order anymore, so I’ll go with the Alabama Slamma Kris Allen. I have actually learned his name this week because how can you forget the wails of despair from the studio audience when they realized he was married? I don’t think that many female pre-pubescent dreams have been smashed since Adam Lambert was seen making out with a dude on the interwebs.And I’m not sure that Kris’s wife knew what she was getting into. She seemed none too happy when Simon pointed out that she should have stayed hidden until he could build a bigger fanbase. Just like how Kris Angel did it. Wait…they totally spell their names the same! He did a pretty good job singing his selection even though the crappy band drowned out his guitar strumming. Grade: B- and safe for another week, although I’m sure his votes were WAY down. I don’t think you’ll be seeing his wife in any more “get to know Kris packages”

In case you don’t know. He looks like this.

Allison Iraheta. Not only did chick sing one of my favorite songs (I like any song that Simon doesn’t know) but she totally took it out back and beat that song into submission. Allison and her furniture store singing self has quickly climbed her way into my top two. Grade: A

Allison. And her new bangs.

Alexis Grace. Even though they were running late and she had all of two minutes to sing and receive her critiques, I thought she did a great job with “Dirty Diana.” I was more impressed with her than the judges were, and it’s no surprise that she picked that song. Remember, she had to “dirty herself up” a little bit. What was she going to pick, “Heal the World”? Yeah. And Seacrest still has a chance with Teri Hatcher.Grade: A-

Just in case you forgot. She IS a single mom. Remember?

Matt Sarver. Much better this week than the past few. He actually looked like he belonged. However, he and his collection of leather chokers will be leaving the show soon enough. Just as soon as the state of Texas stops calling. Grade: C+

Jasmine Murray. In case you forgot, she’s only sixteen. So she sang a song that 8-year old Michael made famous by singing “ABC.” I’m still not sure what this song means, but she sure sounded like she was singing a nursery rhyme. Luckily, she has impressive cheekbones, a strong hairline and she looks good in fuchsia. I think she might have a career on a Princess Cruise ship near you soon. Grade: D sharp.

Jorge Nunez. I was so bored during this song and all of the inserted vibrato, that I started contemplating things. Like why does a hummingbird flap it’s wings so quickly? What would Jorge look like as a hummingbird? What would make me crack in an interrogation first: having to see Paula Abdul when she first wakes up, or listening to Jorge murder a collection of songs? I still haven’t decided. FAIL

I’m pretty sure this is Jorge.

Adam Lambert. Dude. You’re just scary. From your selection of song, “Black or White” (? Seriously? You have all sorts of Michael Jackson classics, and you pick “Black or White”? ) To his pounds of stage makeup that he stole from the production of “Wicked” to his carefully sculpted emo bangs, I don’t like Adam Lambert. At all. Especially when Paula weeps as if he was “Free Willy” washed up on the beach, and she is the only person on earth that can see or save him. I don’t get what’s so great about him. Kind of like the move “The Goonies.” Everyone loves that movie except me.  I even looked up Adam on the YouTubes just to see if he sang better back then. If you like listening to kittens wearing eyeline as they are slowly strangled, then Adam is your guy.FAILY VON FAILERSON

Even scarier when he cocks his head like that. We’re all going to die!

Danny Gokey. Still one of my favorites even though for a church music director, you’d think he’d have more rhythm. Lurching and bopping around the stage, not quite sure if he wanted to put that hand in his pocket or leave it out, it was kind of painful to watch. Still a good vocal though, and I enjoy seeing what pair of eyeglasses he’s going to wear every show. I’m calling it right now, that he’ll soon be doing commercials for RayBan. A-

Megan Corkrey. Oh Megan. Where to begin. Again, I need to specify that you and me are neighbors so I’m rooting for you. But when you have the entire Michael Jackson canon to select from and you choose “Rockin’ Robin”, I’m slowly starting to leap off of your train. It’ s kind of like being able to choose from steak or lobster and you opt for Cheerios instead. The first bite is good and it brings back great memories of being a kid, but after about twelve seconds, you realize you could have had surf and turf and you kind of kick yourself in the head. Luckily the stylists are doing a bangup job with her “quirky image” and she should survive another few weeks on good lookin’ fumes. Grade: B

Look what lighting can do.

Blind Dude. Yes. He played the piano. Woo hoo. It gave one more thing for the judges to talk about besides his molten lava suckage vocals. Even hiding behind a piano can’t hide the fact that the blind guy with his finely turned ears cannot sing! A lick! I can sense the judges beginning to turn on him as they realize that their moment of charity needs to come to an end. Soon.  On the bright side, maybe he can be cast in the “Twilight” sequel when his journey is done. He’s got the teeth for it. Grade: D

Matt Giraud. One of my favorites this week. Not only is “Human Nature” one of my favorite songs, but he was able to make it sound good and back up a little bit of his cocky nature. Although the last part with all of the Ooh, ooh’s was just a little bit too much. Beginning grade: A+, ooh oohs: C-

Anoop Desai. Selected “Beat It” which after Fall Out Boy’s superior cover may have been a mistake. However Anoop is still a favorite, and you’ll notice they didn’t indicate who actually was in the bottom? I think they’re trying to trick us Idol viewers into thinking that he was actually capable of being voted off this week. When in reality, he probably got more votes than most people. At least, that’s what I’m choosing to tell everyone.Grade: B-

Stylist? Wha…?

So it was really no surprise that Jasmine was sent packing. For once, it appears that America got it right. And it also appears that the judges got it wrong in selecting Jasmine to even be in this stage of the competition. In a scene that reminded me of high school, Jasmine sang her song at lunch and the judges (or cool kids) decided if they wanted to keep her in their clique. After some brief deliberation she was told to actually go home. So she either smells like cat litter, or Paula realizes that snubbing Felicia Barton for a life-size Disney character was finally a mistake.

Oh yeah. Jorge went home too. Or The Latin experiment gone horribly wrong. Which means next year, they’re probably going to hold tryouts in Canada to boost viewership up north. They won’t stop until they’ve invaded every climate and ethnic peoples. Like the Romans. If they sang.

Also, this week begins the first round of the Dorktrain™ American Idol Brackets. Leave me your email address in the comments if you would like to play, and I will send you a bracket to fill out. I’m talking to you, lone reader.

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