THESSSSSSSE are your final American Idol contestants! Already two months in on our “Idol Journey” and we’ve finally managed to whittle down the chaff from 106 hopeful, bright-eyed aspirants with dreams of stardom to the final twelve road hardened, battle-scarred professional singers before us whose every action and statement is now available for all to see on the Internets. This, my friends is what makes this silly little show so powerful. That you can take a blubbering, psychotic girl from Puerto Rico who probably grew up in a basement with no one to keep her company except a family of imaginary cats because she has absolutely no barometer for just how annoying she is, and turn her into a blubbering, psychotic girl who took away the Wild Card spot of an actual singer, Felicia Barton! But really, I’m over it. These past few weeks as I’ve watched a chainsaw be taken to the top 36, and witnessed people’s dreams flit away as quickly as you can add an apostrophe to Ju’not Jones name to instantly make him more of a “package artist”, we have arrived at the final 13 (not really that shocking of a twist.) The 13 individuals that will be haunting my television for the next three months.
I have to admit that I’ve been a little bit disappointed in the whole process up to now. One disadvantage of actually SEEING what happens in Hollywood week is becoming attached to all of the road kill along the way. RIP Jamar Rogers! Matt Breitzke and Norman “I’m going to sing Dreamgirls EVERY. CHANCE. I. GET” apparently were superior vocalists to you, even though you have an unusually good voice, wear your caps cocked jauntily on your head, have a pierced cheek for extra power, more screen time than Alexis Grace and Kris Allen combined, AND is bestest friends with this years savior, Danny Gokey. However, after seeing how nearly impossible it is to advance from 36 to 12 without massive help from the producer pimp-age (I’m talking to you, Adam Lambert the Vampire, Lil “Everything on Me Is” Rounds, and Jorge “We Spent all this Money going to Puerto Rico, So We’re Getting SOMETHING Out of It, Even You” Nunez, you’re probably better off. At least you didn’t make it through to get your big chance and waste it singing freaking Meat Loaf. Really, Nathaniel, really? After claiming that “you want this so bad, it’s on your skin” you break out a Meat Loaf song? I hope that you, your skin, and your enjoyable headbands and skeevy lower neck tattoo will enjoy serving me at the Sizzler this weekend. Because I’m getting all-you-can-eat shrimp, y’all!
But on to the Wild Card Round and your Top Twelveteen! Does it seem strange to anyone else that America was not allowed to vote in the first place? And that Simon admitted that they’re trying to “cast” the show with non-boring people? I forget sometimes that this isn’t actually a singing contest, but is instead a huge machine that manufactures dollars in large barrels as they fall from the sky. Especially with the “deliberation” portion taking roughly the same amount of time as a Target commercial and a “24” promo. So here they are, your pre-determined finalists!
Who Will Not Win
1. Alexis Grace – Single Mom, has a “blue-sy” voice (quickly becoming the most over-used phrase this year right after “pitchy” and “blew it out tha box!”) Was told to “dirty up her look” and promptly cut her hair like a soccer mom and inserted hot pink streaks. I’m guessing if this is what you do to make yourself drrty, that the only thing dirty about you is your mini-van probably. Christina Aguilara would be ashamed.
2. Michael Sarver – In case you have forgotten, he works on “oll rigs” as a “roughneck.” Which from what I have surmised entails taking a big metal thing and hitching it to another metal thing. But apparently it’s dangerous because you have to wear a hard hat. Michael is nice, and has a family that he is hoping to support by becoming a famous singer. Unfortunately he cannot sing. And the last time I applied as a roughneck on my local oil rig, I believe that salaries were around $28 an hour. Plus hazard pay on top of that. My back of the envelope math concludes that Mr. Sarver is supporting his family just fine.
3. Jorge Nunez – Apparently Jorge graduated from the Mark Anthony School of OverSinging, and clearly never met a run or a vibrato that he didn’t like. Anyone remember the tryouts in Puerto Rico? Yeah me either. But I believe they gave out a total of 8 golden tickets. 8. Even freaking Utah had three times that number with only 1 Osmond participant. It’s safe to say that the Rico was a bust. It’s also safe to say that Idol is looking to boost their Latino viewership this year, and they need to justify that trip over the summer, so welcome Jorge. With the judges falling all over themselves to say how wonderful his warbly vocals were, he’ll obviously be around for a few more weeks. Because what the world needs most is another Mark Anthony or future member of Menudo–the Older Version! Ay Papi!
4. Kris Allen – Who? Oh yeah, the dude that spells his name with a K. Proving once again that dudes with female spellings are never to be trusted. I’m talking to you, Jamie Foxx. Give us one Oscar worthy performance and then a movie like “Stealth”. Not to be trusted.
5. Jasmine Murray – Ok, look. She’s attractive and all, and if I were in high school, I would totally be toilet papering her house and throwing notes at her in multiplication class (the highest level of math I ever attained) and yes, we’re constantly reminded that she’s “only 17, what?” Thank you, Randy. However, I was originally impressed with Jasmine during the first few rounds, but after viewing the crap she submitted during her original night and the Wild Card round proves that the judges are “casting” for a little more affirmative action. Especially since they didn’t give Jamar Rogers a chance. Even though her weave is a-mayzing, she will be the first one voted off.
Who Could Go Farther
6. Matt Giraud – Yes, he does have some skills, but when Simon compares you to his most hated American Idol champion ever, Taylor Hicks, your time is probably short. Especially since Matt has now been pigeonholed as “bluesy and soulful” (see Exhibit A: Alexis Grace) and whenever he veers away from anything recorded before 1969 outside of Motown, he will be promptly raked over the coals by Kara. “Where’s my bluesy Matt?” she will declare as she menacingly hunches over the microphone and her eyes become two dark balls of fire. Good luck there, buddy. I enjoyed Matt during the Hollywood round, but he seems to be a little bit cocky already even though he just barely made it! By the skin of his hat brim! I’ll be watching you closely from my couch, Giraud. Me and Jasmine Murray after Week 1.
7. Megan Corkrey – I am leaving out the “Joy” in her name on purpose because Paula pointed out that she “has joy, just like her name!” Once I heard that I busily started looking for something, anything with which to shoot my own self squarely in the face. I am repping for Ms. Corkrey, because we’re both from Utah, and she named her son Ryder, not Corky (like I TOTALLY would have done) and she totally OWNS when she starts doing the Corkrey Corkscrew Dance™ (Patent pending) even though it way freaks me out. Her voice is kind of weird and different, and it is apparent that she is only acquainted with about 4 or 5 notes, especially the ones that end in “aaaah.” However, I think she’ll go far, because unlike last year’s tattooed wonder, she’s actually attractive, so she can get away with some spooky body ink. Hopefully she will up her game when it comes to actually singing, and I will be able to see her doing cute duets with the blind dude. Which brings me to…
8. The Blind Dude – I totally don’t even know this guy’s name and I don’t want to. In fact, I heard that some guy named Scott made the Top 12 and I was all “who? Oh yeah. The blind dude.” Look buddy, if you’re going to use a physical impairment to differentiate yourself, then I am going to refer to that physical impairment. You hear me, Psychotic Fluctuating Accent Diva? I would like to let everyone in on a little secret here and now about the blind dude. Are you ready? Ok, here it comes. Um… DUDE CAN’T SING! Like, at all! Like, he’s horrendous! His instrument is horribly thin and whispery and he couldn’t even blow out that whiny single “Mandolin Rain” that was kind of good 15 years ago, but even Bruce Hornsby won’t go near it now. I think he’s a really nice guy, and I think the smiley dude that walks him out is going to be an absolute STAR. (You mark my words, there’s going to be an article about the dude that walks him out in People magazine any week now. Write it down!) But my white fro’d brother cannot sing. To quote Kara, he does not have the chops to make it this far. Even the judges can’t be mean to him, because they don’t want to critique the “inspirational blind guy” and it’s great for ratings. It’s going to be ugly when they turn on him. Absolutely ugly. Like his dancing.
9. Adam Lambert – Please, vampire boy. Shut your mouth. Please. I don’t consider your style of singing even singing. It’s more like melodic yelling while you stick your tongue out at me. If I wanted to see that, I would watch a documentary on New Guinea. I know you’re trying to convince everyone that you’re straight by going for that Twilight Edward vibe, but lots of gay dudes watch the show and have telephones. So you’ll be alright for a few weeks. Especially during creepy Andrew Lloyd Webber week, which I’m sure they’ll bring back, so you can shine! I dislike you and your carefully manicured mop of hair. Please go away.
10. Allison Iraheta – Hopefully they’ll let her sing Heart every week and not speak to Ryan ever. When she talks to Ryan, it is apparent that she is a pink-haired teenager. However, once she sings big songs, it is apparent that she has some freaking pipes. She will stick around until she becomes just too plain annoying.
Who Could Win with Careful Producer Manipulation
11. Anoop Desai – Currently my personal favorite of the bunch. ‘Noop Dawg obviously isn’t taking this too seriously, and he has some serious skillz behind the mic. Any dude that can take on “My Prerogative” and actually make it sound cool and fresh definitely deserves to be on my TV set every week. Please don’t let them ruin you, Noopy.
12. Lil Rounds – Real name: Lillian Roundzettastein. Oh where to start. I don’t know what’s more sad. The fact that you live in a hotel room with your four children and husband, that you have have four kids at the age of 23, or that the producers are so in love with you that they have single handedly crowned you the winner already. I’ve got two words for you, Lil. Melinda Doolittle. As you may recall, Melinda Doolittle was a mortal lock for the championship until she was freight trained by Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks because she was too busy soaking up the adoration to pull out anything interesting. Just sayin’. I will admit that you have a voice, and if you hadn’t been crammed down my throat at every step of the competition I might actually like you more. So, enjoy your run up to Semifinal Week.
13. Danny Gokey – From what’s left of Hollywood Week, he remains a favorite. Until he, or American Idol, or one of his acquaintances shoves his dead wife in my face again. Like, hey remember guys, I’ve experienced some tragedy, so I need to be a popular singer! We know dude. Just like we remember that Tatiana is an annoying person with multiple personalites, we remember this about you. I like Danny, he seems like a nice guy, and it’s got to be incredibly tough to be on American Idol seven months after your wife dies, but dude, they have this show every year. You could have tried out NEXT year. He’s got a great voice though, and I love what he did to “I Hope You Dance” in Hollywood. Like I would have bought that version RIGHT THEN. I’m sure we’ll be seeing many different pairs of designer glasses on the Goke this year. I can’t wait.
Who Should Go Away Forever
1. Tatiana of the Bulls – Thanks for bringing her back just to sing the same song again, and to rant incessantly. I’m blaming this one squarely on the shoulders of Paula Abdul and those that run the show. Her last performance and interview was like getting a close-up look into the mind of a serial killer. Educational, yet horrifically frightening.
2. Randy Jackson – Your “insight” continues to get more and more comical. Just like your collection of strange sweaters. Bill Cosby called, and even he’s offended.