Things I Can Go the Rest of My Life Without Having to Hear Again

Remember when everything was “low-carb” this and “0-carb” that? I miss those days. Here are some other things that I am tired of.

Going green.
Way to go, eco-terrorists. You have now taken a nice, peaceful color, one of the most harmless crayons in the box and turned it into a word that I don’t ever want to hear again. Once used to denote “healthful” treats, green now means “What are you doing for the environment today, you energy sucking, wasteful non-recycling, car driving dillweed?” If I have to hear about another thing that is better because it’s green, I think I’ll take Al Gore hostage.


Has there ever been a more over-used phrase? What does it even mean? Sure, maybe it actually meant something three or four years ago, but now it means “We’ve got to sell more of our processed food. Let’s call it ‘organic.” I saw this at the store the other day and that’s when i determined that organic had officially jumped the shark.


Bowl Games.
The only bowl game that matters is the Super Bowl. Every other bowl from college football can suck it. Is the world really a better place because such a thing as the Meineke Car Care Bowl exist? Or especially the San Diego Community Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl? I fell sorry for the dude that has to paint that on the grass. And what do these yayhoos think that are sponsoring these bowls? That they are going to make us say, “You know, I was going to head down to my mechanic that I’ve been using for ten years to repair my car. However, I just finished watching Wake Forest defeat Connecticutt in what was most certainly an exciting game in the Car Care Bowl. I think I’ll head down there and have them nimbly handle my car problems.”?? Hope that $30 milllion bucks you just spent was worth it. You might actually get more out of a NASCAR sponsorhip. Which brings me to…

Or soon to be the 2012 Jeopardy question “What is…the ruination of college football?” I could go on all day about the many reasons that a playoff would be superior. Chief among them because you would have an actual, um… champion??!? The great thing is after this championship game is played and the horrifically tacky crystal football is hoisted in the air, the Bowl Championship Series Champion is crowned. Not the NCAA Division I champion, mind you. The BCS Champion. The winner of this cheesefest isn’t even the NCAA champion? The only sport that I can think of that plays a full season never to crown a champion. Besides probably the WNBA, because really, who cares? Some years they actually have a pretty good idea, or after crunching numbers and polls together they can surmise a pretty good estimation of who the top two teams in the country are that should be playing in this game. As long as you’re in a conference named the Big East, ACC, Big 12, Big 1o, SEC and Pac 10. (What, no Big SEC or Big Pac? You didn’t feel good about doing that?) It would be much easier to actually have the top eight teams PLAY EACH OTHER IN AN ORGANIZED FASHION at the end of the season. The Greeks had a word for this. I believe Socrates said it best. “Playoff, you idiots.” Or something similar. Every year however, I can relish the fact that there will be at least three teams with the same record as the faux “champion” team, so sports radio can spend the next eight months arguing that they should have had a chance to play in the championship game. What, you didn’t enjoy your end of the year showcase in the storied Chic-Fil-A Peach Bowl? That’s relatively shocking. And don’t worry, the BCS just signed another iron clad TV contract through 2014. Enjoy the suckage.


Wildcat Formation
I apologize as this is another football reference. But if you’ve watched any NFL games this year where the offensive team direct snaps to a receiver or running back while the quarterback lines up as a receiver, inevitably the announcers calling the game step all over each other to be the first ones to say “They’re going with the Wildcat formation here! The Wildcat!” Like they’ve never had anything more exciting happen in all of their lives. Unfortunately this play has worked a time or three so you even see it in the college ranks as well. Same thing. The announcers can’t wait to talk about the Wildcat, and how they’ve had success with it in the NFL. What if this play was called the “Gooberman?” Would they be so eager to announce it then. “They totally went Gooberman on that last pla… oh, never mind.”

Seriously. This is getting ridiculous. Pretty soon the American taxpayer is going to own a chunk of every American industry. And I mean everything. Hey here’s an idea, why don’t you run your businesses in such a way that you can actually compete with the competition, instead of needing billions of dollars to delay your demise? I’m speaking to you American Automakers. Instead of saying: “Toyota Prius? We don’t need one of those. it’s a fad for hippies or terrorists. What Americans want is a new Ford F450 with a V12 engine instead.” The auto industry like the music industry has changed. You either need to catch up or kindly take your union-insured jobs and go away.  

 Chinese Democracy
Way to go, Mr. Rose. It only took you 17 years to craft a follow-up to “Use Your Illusion I and II.” Not bad at all. I mean never mind that in that same amount of time I could have birthed and raised a child from an embryo to a strapping lad, taught him how to write songs, play the guitar, get a band together, acquire a recording contract, tattoo his body in unattractive ways, and put out a better album in the process. In three languages. AND, I don’t even know how to do any of those things. But in 17 years, I could probably figure it out. That, and with the extra time on my hands I probably could have cracked cold fusion as well. By the way, 1994 called, and it would like your relevance back. And is on line #2 and they would like their cornrows back. Thank you.  


And this isn’t even a real world. I get it, iPhone. You’re the best. And so are all of your custom “app”lications, of which 300 million have already been sold. Just shut up already. Me and my phone that allows me to make and receive phone calls and sometimes futuristic “text messages” are working just fine thank you.

O.J. Simpson
Enjoy the next fifteen years, buddy.

2 thoughts on “Things I Can Go the Rest of My Life Without Having to Hear Again

  1. Great insight. I too am sick of “Green” and “Organic”. What about the word “Proposition 8” how bout we put that word to rest already.

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