American Idol Recap – Andrew Lloyd WebberGetOverYourself

Creepy. Like a razorblade in an apple at Halloween.

Well let’s hear it for Andrew Lloyd Webber Week! Probably the dumbest idea in American Idol history second to only the decision to hire and then not subsequently fire Paula Abdul five minutes later. Has there been a more pompous mentor like, ever? With a weirder face? At least Mariah Carey can carry a tune! After seeing all of the songs that this goof has produced and then finding out that he can’t even perform them, but can instead sit awkwardly on a chair and talk to Ryan about how great he is and how poorly some of the kids did with his beloved material, I have decided that ANYONE can be a guest mentor. Especially if you wrote a play that takes place entirely on roller skates!


Warning: You will never get this 28 seconds of life back.

Syesha started off the night in better form than she’s ever been. Cleavage? check. Sparkles in her hair? Not today, we’ve got to get “animated!”Saucy red dress? Check. STANDING on the piano? Um…yes, apparently. Doesn’t everybody do that? We also learned that she likes being somebody else when she sings. I like her better as somebody else too. Somebody sitting at home watching the remaining four weeks in her bathrobe. However, I do have to hand it to Syesha, it’s apparent that her future will soon follow in the footsteps of Fantasia, Diana DeGarmo, Clay Aiken, Tamyra Gray and any other loser err…former contestant that has ditched their dreams of having a recording career and instead are trying to make it on Broadway! Good for you, Eesh! She really knocked ’em dead and still found herself in the bottom two. However, if you’ve been following my scientific formula B+d=1mw (Boobs in the display case=another week on the show!) there was never really any doubt.

David Archuleta did an interesting take on a Phantom of the Opera song that I can no longer name. In fact, A&W just couldn’t get over the fact that David (a boy) was singing a song written for a girl! How shocking and unexpected! I mean, when he wrote it, it was clearly for a girl! Who was in the process of being seduced by a subterannean lothario with a horribly disfigured face! How does this mancub come along with the audacity to attempt a composition clearly intended for the fairer sex! These ostentatious Americans! It almost appeared that his eyes were about to pop out of the doughy folds of his face as he slowly realized just what was going on here. What’s next, a play that takes place on roller skates? Life size cats singing? Yes. 

Hey Mom! I made it! I’m on Broadway! Oh… well, I play a cat. A life-size cat. Mom?

For me, I thought that David started out with quite a nice arrangement, with an acoustic guitar accompaniment and a pleasant Radio Disney vibe. I then promptly fell asleep. The only thing that did keep me awake was seeing how hard little David tried to follow the Web’s “two pieces” of advice. To keep his gorgeous little doe eyes open, and to keep his precious fawn eyes open! Ha! It’s a LloydWebber joke! So instead of “getting lost in the song” as our little David is wont to do, he instead intently stared at the camera and looked like my grandmother trying to make her way to her LASIK appointment at the mall. All squinty, breathless and confused.

Just doing what he’s told

But at least he tried to follow our mentor’s advice. (for the flip side, see Jason Castro.) P.S. how come none of the judges pointed out that D.A. messed up the words again! For the third time! They just let that slide on by, and the producers even helped by going to a random shot of the back of David’s head right when the flub occurred. If that had happened to Carly or Syesha, we’d STILL be hearing about it. Like Hillary Clinton, it just wouldn’t go away.

In unrelated fashion news, have you noticed that David’s dad (who apparently has no occupation other than the one where he pushes his 17-year old son to be a star) has spent some coin on some jaunty new chapeaus? He’s ditched the old Sportsman’s Warehouse ball cap and trotted out two new different headwear looks! Apparently he’s spent some time in the Aeoropostale store or the Old Navy outlet. I hope his other kids (the ones that aren’t as talented as David and consequently don’t get his love) get to eat this week!

Jason Castro I thought did better than than the judges gave him credit for. But it is apparent that Jason is not the pate’ on LlloWeb’s biscuit. He could barely mask his disdain for young Jason. Because not only did he:

  • Put messy dreadlocks on his perfectly sculpted cheekbones and adorable china doll face and ruin any possibility that he could one day have an older English man with with a floppy face and a prolific library of Broadway songs as his sugar daddy
  • But he also attempted one of Andy’s most famous songs originally intended to be performed by a life size-kitten

Because as Andy repeated a few times, he and his red microfiber trousers could not “possibly imagine ‘Memory’ performed by a young man in dreadlocks!” I hate to break it to Lloyd, but here in America, not only do women have the right to vote, but a person’s character is not dictated by their hairstyle. And on this point, I really don’t think that you’re one to talk.  

I’m a lord. Yeah baby!

The judges couldn’t wait to slam Mr. Castro for not only his choice of song, but also how he trainwrecked his way through the kitten song. To be fair, he is about as dimensional as a dinner plate, but I can’t imagine any of the current “hitmakers” of our day doing much better. At least he still put his “luau vibe” on it and contorted his face an appropriate amount while sounding slightly better than your average seventh grade Christmas concert. Not too bad.

I’m a little disappointed that Brooke White is still with us. Not only is she getting progressively worse, but she has the unique distinction of being called on the carpet by Paula! Has this ever happened in the history of Idol? I’m fine with Brooke starting and stopping and then starting again. She was clearly nervous trying to insert as much Lloyd Webber Emotion™ as she could into her song. But to have Paula pause for a full fifteen seconds (at least it felt like it) with her head down and then pop back up and say “You cannot stop and start.” I wanted to know what alien had taken over little perky Paula’s body. It was like that weird scene in “Total Recall” when the guy takes off his shirt and he’s got Kuato, the little alien head stuck to his body that then does all of the talking for him. Paula’s alien head took over and finally offered some honest feedback. Where was this four years ago Pau Pau and why did you pick now to rear your ugly, alien head? Wisely, Brooke chose not to retort to any of the judges. And it worked. As she was sent right back to safety to begin to muster up some tears. Seriously, this girl cries more than me while watching Oprah when the Duggar family is on.

Must not respond. Must keep mouth shut and start crying.

And I actually liked the Irish lass this week! From her paisley dress that actually fit to the unfortunate body art that I couldn’t see, to her singing of the 2nd cheesiest song in the world, “Jesus Christ, Superstar.” (For the record, the first cheesiest song ever is “Humpin’ Around” by Bobby Brown.) This is one time when A&W had good advice. I’m pretty sure that if she sang that crappy first ballad that she would be on her way home right now! Oh wait… that actually happened. You have to admit that it was a little bit shocking that Ms. Carly was sent packing. But this season is proving to be as unpredictable as Paula’s mental state from night to night.  With all the judge-love going the Davids way, there isn’t a lot left for the chum. At least it WAS shocking until she decided to break out her own version of the touchdown celebration the second she heard a positive word leak out of Simon’s mouth and ran screaming straight for Ricky Minor. I thought she was going to take him hostage for a minute, but no, she was just going for her strategically placed, humorous t-shirt. At this point her career and time on Idol had officially jumped the shark. Goodbye, Carly. We’ll miss you and your illustrated husband. Please try not to have children.  

 Oh no you didn’t.

David Cook found his way into the proverbial pimp spot yet again as he closed out the show. I heard once that they draw their positions out of a hat, but after seeing Syesha go first (the kiss of death) and David Cook go last again (winner winner, chicken dinner) that I don’t think there’s any “luck” involved in this at all. If Ramiele were still on the show she’d probably be singing first every night. At about 5:30 p.m. PST before the show even started. And they would just show us highlights from her performance. And include a few negative numbers or symbols in her call-in numbers.

I thought David did his standard good job as he decided to sing the Phantom of the Opera song straight with no cool arrangements or rock idiosyncracies. After the performance however, I was struck by how large our Mr. Cook’s head really is. It was especially noteworthy when he was standing next to Seacrest and his head looked like Elvis in his prime, and Seacrest’s head looked like the opening act that gets to play 3 three songs in 12 minutes and then get off the stage. I think I’ve figured out why he has that elaborate emo comb-over. To cover up his massive cabesa.  

Sort of like an orange on a toothpick

And just so you all know, Leona Lewis is now my Michael Johns. Even though she’s got starter cankles, she’s still hot like fire, and girlfriend can SANG!

Two similar items. Leona Lewis. Fire.

It’s too bad that Simon had to be the one to discover her, so he can keep taking the credit for this one for the next 20 years.




7 thoughts on “American Idol Recap – Andrew Lloyd WebberGetOverYourself

  1. Once again, I take my hat off to you sir. I’ve been looking forward to reading this all day. It has been a long day. Thanks for giving it a great ending.

  2. Brent….you are hilarious! I am LOL!!! I must say….you are correct sir. I agree with you completely. You should do this for a living. Thanks for your review!!!!

  3. Don’t enjoy Miss Lewis too much. You’re honey is gone. For more DA stage dad info… see me. My mom was his little brother’s teacher. She had lots of juicy tidbits to share. Despite Dad’s efforts to deny his true position of stage dad helicopter parent, he has some strong evidence against him.

  4. With any luck, I’m probably the only person you will ever know who wasted a couple of precious hours on Starlight Express… It was not, however, the worst thing I ever saw on Broadway. As for the competition for dumbest idea ever on American Idol… maybe we could have a contest.

  5. Terrific insight into a horrible night. The next few weeks are just formalities until the two David’s duke it out for the final spot on the stage. As a newbie to your blog, I love the Mastercard cluelessness captured in the Brooke White photo…. Priceless.

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