American Idol Recap – Mariah Carey Night

Proudly showing off her RIGHT side. The Wind Machine is in her car.

Hello reader! I welcome all two of you. So how great has it been to have these guest mentors helping our little kids along? I mean, I can barely contain myself for Broadway next week and Andrew Lloyd Webber! It’s just too bad that Danny Noriega and David Hernandez are gone from the show. I’m sure they would have been able to do something really special with “Cats” or “Starlight Express.” Or some other completely gay Broadway show.

But let’s talk about Mariah Carey. Now there’s a mentor with some class, attitude and zero hangups about her body image! I mean, it’s not bad enough that she’s so ashamed of the left side of her face that she forbids it from being photographed. Or that she travels with her own wind machine to softly blow her hair while she performs with her bedazzled microphone stand, but the woman can’t even stand there next to a piano while mentoring our young charges without habitually striking a pose! I wonder how Ms. Carey is at home? Does she keep her hands sternly on her hips while she jogs on her diamond-encrusted treadmill? Does she keep nervously running her fingers through her hair while she snarfs down Macaroni and Cheese at the kitchen sink while watching Dr. Phil and preparing to puke it all back up? (The Morsel Diet. I heard about it on Oprah.) What position does she assume when she does housework commands her Colombian workers to Swiffer a little bit more around her feet? These are the things I wonder as she stands awkardly in her spandex clothing and self-tanning lotion while air-hugging each Idol so she won’t actually have to touch any of them. 

Sadly, I just discovered that Ms. Mariah has had more #1 songs than anyone ever. That’s right, with the soon to be “classic” “Touch My Body” she passes Elvis as the person on Earth with the most number 1 songs. Luckily, the Beatles still have more #1’s as a group. But I’m sure the soon to be formed Noriega-Hernandez Bunch could vie for the title in about 20 years.

However, musically this week, we had some great stuff. I didn’t even think about Michael Johns more than three or four times. In the first five minutes. I miss that swarthy Australian and his unfortunate neckwear.  Especially when Sweet, Little David Archuleta© starts off the show with the same. Song. He. Does. Every. Freaking. Time. How come the judges keep applauding him and encouraging him when he pulls out the same Disney Channel crap week after week? It’s even gotten so bad that I find myself counting the times he licks his lips during each song (5 times in 1:32) or wondering where he found such tiny little leather pants. The Herve Villachaize Store–Clothes for Da Plane Man? (Ha!) If he were an article of clothing right now he’d be a cardigan. Or a blouse from Cold Water Creek. 


Do these men shop at the same store?

Next up was Carly who actually looked and sounded ok. I’m thinking that covering up her (Evil geisha? Flaming Goat? Chipmunk Senator in Flowing Robes? I still have no idea ) tattoo was a great idea from the stylist and producers. I could actually concentrate on her angry singing, furrowed brow and oversized neck pendant that looked like it contained the ashes of some dead, Irish relative as she cranked out a rather unfortunately typical Mariah Carey song. Not surprisingly, she got ripped by the judges as they’ve apparently determined they need to get rid of her soon as possible as America isn’t embracing her as much as they probably thought they would. I mean, they’re even showing her husband and his facial decorations for more than four seconds in FULL lighting. That with her increasing desperation every week means that she will soon be going the way of the buffalo. Or pirates. Or possibly Jimmy Hoffa, buried in a concrete column in Giants Stadium. Section 3, Row 158.  

With Uncle Pete around my neck, I am noticably more chipper! 

Syesha demonstrated her Third Annual Maximum J-to-V and it was no surprise that she was quickly sent back to safety after Ryan’s fun little, “Hey, let’s build a couple of groups and leave David A. backstage for most of the hour!” schlock. Not only does Little David have to do three hours of school a day, but now you’re ostracizing the pubescent backstage while the adults are playing the Hokey Pokey out on the stage? Cruel. 

Baby Cry-esha actually sang one of my favorite Mariah Carey songs (if there is such a thing. Kind of like having to pick your favorite way to die. Sidebar: I choose falling to earth from an airplane at 30,000 feet.) Ever since Lisa what’s-her-name made me a mixtape in 1991 (with an actual tape!) with “Vanishing” wedged between Milli Vanilli’s “Blame It on the Rain” and Paula Abdul’s “Will You Marry Me?” (I know, she was forward), it’s been one of my preferred album “deep cuts.” I thought it was interesting the judges (and myself) rip on Syesha for picking played out big songs, and then when she sings a song apparently only I and 1991 know, they rip on her again. Welcome to the bottom 3 for the rest of your existence Syesha! You and Carly are both getting the Luca Brazzi Sleeps with the Fishes treatment from our esteemed panel of judges. In other words, you’re dead to them.

No need to worry about “Vanishing” this week.  J-to-V is in masterly effect!

And what typically is a solid combination: a piano and Brooke White, was not very magical this week. I don’t know if she was super nervous or if her gray sparkly sausage casing dress was making it hard to breathe, but she was shaking more than a wet Shih Tzu in the spin cycle as she made her way through “Hero” at twice the speed it should ever be sung. If that’s not bad enough, she has to respond to everything the judges say! And she’s not good at talking! So Simon said you’re a hamburger with no meat? Leave it alone and don’t involve those peaceful vegetarians. Vegetarians don’t watch this show! They’re all at a Moby concert wearing shirts made out of hemp and drinking lattes out of soy and planning to break out a herd of cattle after they get their Subaru carpool all worked out. I’m almost hoping she leaves so that I don’t have to be subjected to any more of her Michael Scott-ish rants that are almost as cringe inducing as watching Michael Scott.

At least when I rant, it’s entertaining

As for our Kentucky Fried Cook, she gave Mariah chills! Probably because Mariah was jealous of her little 24- year old body, not because of any actual singing that was going on. Especially when she got into her “power-singing” stance (left foot in front of the right foot, shoulder width apart, now lean forward) and started fluttering her arms around the microphone like some sort of crazed angel.) If I’m being honest with myself, I thought that KLC did a pretty good job and that she had saved herself for yet another week. So I was a little surprised (yes, actually) when she was sent home. I thought that she could even have a successful recording career but then this happened. Not only will she now be known as Kristy Lee DOBNER, (totally a successful sounding recording artist’s name) but she’ll probably have twins in literally no time at all. I think it’s great this article also mentions her enthusiasm to get home and ride her horse. I hope her horse is prepared for her return. Of course, this is not the horse she had to sell to make it to Philadelphia after she got rejected by American Idol in San Diego, but another, less important horse. I’m sure he’s not bitter.

Good luck buddy. She’s on her way home to ride the crap out of you.

The other, soon-to-be-more-successful-and-less-engaged Cook is safely in this thing to win it. Not only did he do an original and interesting take on the crapfest that is “Always Be My Baby” but he had me wondering for a full thirty seconds what song he was actually singing and why this Mariah Carey song was actually so good. And after scouring the world wide webs, I have determined that he actually came up with this arrangement himself, so shove it Chris Cornell fans! Apparently he is more than a haircut, this David Cook. I also thought it was great that his brother with brain cancer was in the audience, and even though Ryan tried to get it out of him, he still wouldn’t go into specifics to get any sympathy votes. 

I also think it’s interesting to note how quickly Mr. Cook has jumped up the “hot scale.” (A scale that I currently own.) When he first started the show, women thought he looked slightly more attractive than an orangutan with lyme disease. But now, a scant 5 or 6 impressive performances later, he has annoying callers on the most annyoing segment of the show asking him if he’s single! This, my friends, is why people want to sing!

And finally, instead of playing the guitar himself again this week where he’d probably screw something up, our boy Jason Castro decided to leave that to the professionals and add a bongo player for good measure. (Sidebar: I didn’t even know that being a professional bongo player was a job. How do you get this job? Do you have to try out?  Isn’t it just like playing Wac-A-Mole? Why didn’t I do this instead wasting time at “college”?) He did alright, but it was nice seeing him with Mariah Carey and her realizing that dreadlocks get that way because you don’t wash your hair. She had a hard time covering up her disgust.

The right side of her face again! Take that, Castro!

And P.S. everyone needs to scurry to their computers and vote for the song that should be sung by the eventual Idol winner. I don’t have diabetes, but if I did, another helping of “This is My Now” would probably kill me. So please, help a brother out.


3 thoughts on “American Idol Recap – Mariah Carey Night

  1. Thanks for the laughs, it is always a pleasure. I have to say I am a bit disappointed in one thing though. Did you catch the eyes KLC was giving Ryan after she sang. I thought for sure you would pick up on it. Check it out on your DVR.

  2. Pingback: american idol mariah carey | Lasts information

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