Hills Wisdom

Ok. Let’s be frank. This show, “The Hills” is kind of like watching a house burn down. It’s kind of fun at first and strangely fascinating while it’s going on, but when it’s over you realize you have nowhere to sleep as you just watched your own house burn to the ground.

I hate myself while watching “The Hills” but I have found that I can’t stop. If someone could help or slap me, I would appreciate it. However, while hating/watching this week, I decided to turn a critical eye to the scripted “lives” of these people, and I realized that there’s all sorts of knowledge nuggets that can be gleaned from these shallow Angelenos. Instantly I became a better person.

  • Finding a job isn’t that hard – Apparently it’s super easy to find a “really cool” job in Los Angeles. Simply quit fashion school that you really weren’t into that much anyway, walk into the Bolthouse offices and say you want a job. I’m sure having a camera crew behind you is helpful, but if you’re Heidi, by season three you will have been promoted and can spend all day talking to your “boyfriend” behind your big computer that is rarely on. Oh yes, and you can spend all day at the office talking to the new annoying girl with bangs that popped up out of nowhere about how seemingly messed up your life is.
  • Or, if you’re Lauren and a bit tired of Teen Vogue, simply tag along with Whitney at her new job that she worked really hard to get and shortly, Karen Cutrone, the scariest indivdual since Tammy Faye Bakker, will say that she’d like to offer you a permanent position. I’m sure that Whitney didn’t mind this AT ALL. Not only is Lauren naturally prettier, and actually goes out on dates, but now she’s horning in on her big career? I think we’ll be seeing Whitney on “Cops” shortly enough. If that show is even still on. I don’t know since I’m wasting my life watching this garbage.

  • The Only Good Ideas are Whitney’s – From “I like the pants” to “Go, go, go models” no one besides Whitney has any good ideas. Especially the poor publicist that has probably been working at People’s Revolution for five plus years. She will soon hit the street and Whitney will take over. Look forward to other ideas like “let’s have a salad for lunch” and “I like dogs.” Please help us all.  
  • A “Relationship Vacation” is Not a Myth. It is Possible! Tired of your live-in boyfriend with huge teeth, money for days and seemingly no job to support your ridiculous lifestyle? Simply demand a relationship vacation! Kick him out of your shared apartment, run away to Colorado, act like you hate him, and then spend time with girls that conversely hate you. When he shows up at the same club (because there’s only like 3,000 of them in the metro LA area) promptly confront him and ask why he’s interrupting your vacay. When he argues with you, demand to talk dramatically in his 7-Series BMW. And then try to make your new plastic face convey some emotion. It’s hard with all of that Botox and you’re only 23.

Heidi manages a forehead crinkle

  • You Can’t Really Talk to Someone Unless You’re Eating Lunch with Them – Have you noticed that all “real” conversations take place at some fantastic eatery? It’s not enough to talk about how Audrina should NEVER be friends with Heidi, because for some reason Audrina can’t make up her own mind about stuff, but it’s more effective when you’re at a different lunch destination every single time. I’m sure as soon as they yell “Cut” that they quickly take the food away so that our girls don’t put on any extra pounds. Eating is actually very 2006.

  • Going to Clubs is the Other Thing to Do in LA – And once inside the club, you must sit. The whole time. And have a conversation with subtitles. Don’t even think of dancing or enjoying the music that is playing. Instead, discuss how big of a cheater that Brodie is. Or how he got to be named Brodie in the first place. His real name is probably Roger. Once you have sat for 20 minutes, promptly leave. You must either be quickly offended or have to leave because someone you hate has shown up at the same club at the same time! This never fails to work. Every week.
  • Audrina=Dumb as a Post – From relationships to speaking parts on this show, Audrina has mastered the spacy, vacant look. Occasionally she’ll spurt out a “Like, Lauren, you will not, like believe this. But I just had, like a thought.” Then she passes out from trying to read the cue card. No wonder Lauren tells her what to do!

I have grown smarter from watching this show.

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