Another week of American Idol has come and gone and just like the guest mentor, Dollywood, everything was bigger, blonder and more faker this week!
Some interesting things of note:
Syesha lives to see another day. It’s great to see that the patented Jumblies-to-votes ratio that I developed has never been more accurate. (Dolly Parton herself received over 1200 votes and she’s not even IN the competition. See!) While singing a song she NEVER should have attempted. (Note to Syesha: Please stop attempting songs that Whitney Houston totally owns. She’s on cocaine. All the time. She’ll KILL you. And then abscond with any dollar bills that may be on your person.) She just missed an almost certain bottom three placement by showing the proverbial “merchandise” in her yellow dress. If you show the puppies (and sit saucily on the piano) the votes will come.
Ramlammadingdong finally departs and let’s be honest, it really seemed destined from the start. I’ve commented on her fashion woes before, but did you see the getup that she threw together for the results show? Way to give up, Rammy! I’ve seen more attractive outfits at some of my AA meetings. A baggy t-shirt covered with a weird vest and some schlumpy snow boots? Granted the t-shirt was probably regular person size (probably a medium or a small) but she was one step away from showing up in her flannel jammies with a hot cup of cocoa. Who is dressing you? Don’t they have a team of people working to make you more attractive than us regular people? Or did they spend too much time shopping for Carly’s awful red pantaloons and pirate blouse? I could do a better job and I shop at friggin’ Ross!
Brooke needs to stop talking or she’ll be in the bottom three a lot more. If I hear her tell the audience “It’s ok, guys” after any more negative critiques when the boos start coming, I’ll take her husband and his dreamy curls hostage. And then the crying! Dolly mentions Jesus and you get all emotional? Or did you think with her blond wig and shiny, white pantsuit that you were actually seeing a singing angel?
Luckily, KLC and Rammy were there to offer you consoling backrubs. Apparently they helped. And Simon is right. Her fiddle player was pretty strange looking.
How funny is this human egg roll?
Now do you believe me? She’s short, y’all!
“Kristy’s Seat?” Really? You had all day to think about it and that’s the best that you could come up with? Not even “Reserved for Kristy Lee Cook” or “Parking for Horse Trainers Only” or even “Kristy Lee’s Hitching Post”? None of these beat out your hastily scratched “Kristy’s Seat” note? What does that even mean? That they have to place the note on your seat so you’ll know where to go? Your horse could have done a better job! And I bet you were all backstage telling Rammy “OMG this is going to be SOOO funny! I’ve prepared this little note and it says Kristy’s Seat on it! Get it! It’s like, my seat! Ha! This is going to kill!” And Lamadingdong was all (to herself) “That is sooo NOT funny. I wonder if my performance was as wooden as it felt?”
A dude will probably win this year. However, wearing this purple ascot is NOT a winning idea.
However, Michael Johns did have one of the best performances of the night. I’m not a huge fan of the sweaty Georgian, but after this performance my wife sure is! Let’s just say we made out a LOT after this performance. She insisted on calling me ‘MJ’ and I had to say everything with an Australian accent, but I’ll take that sweet action any way I can get it! (I mean, we make out all the time. This is certainly not a big deal. Like at all. I can make out with her right now…Anyway.)
Jason Castro is in danger of being kicked off soon. He needs to start showing his jumblies to get more votes. Or he could attempt to sing a song without contorting this face. I’d vote for him then.
Back to Carly the Buccaneer. I thought she actually sounded good this week. She really knows how to make a Dolly Parton song her own! It’s too bad that her red leggings and pirate shirt with matching tattoo sleeve made her look like she was only missing an eye patch and a parrot on her shoulder.
I was going to make more fun of her but then Simon almost made her cry with his comments about her apparel. Which gave me pause. If she’s this emotional with only 30 million people watching on television, how will she be when she makes an album and only 370 people buy it? Oh wait…that already happened.
David Cook continues to rock, oh and he cut his hairs as well. Now you can see the large forehead that was prominently on display when he was a baby. Also, he sang a song about a sparrow and he DID THE ARRANGEMENT HIMSELF thank you very much! So Doxology (a band no one except Blake Lewis has heard of) can shut your collective pieholes about arrangement-theft! Last I checked, American Idol was a glorified karaoke contest anyway where the contestants sing songs that have already been sung by other people. But because of your whining, six more people now know who you are. And that you are whiners.
I refuse to write about David Archuleta, simply because of the pure amount of pubescent screams he receives every week. I have a feeling that we’ll be seeing him in the finals against an unnamed opponent! Not Carly though. This is no competition for Irish pirates.