Granted, it’s a little moody, and I would re-think the North Carolina sweatshirt from 1996, but I kind of feel like a proud father. My little Anoop is making it out in the world, and he’s NOT just a punchline, Seacrest! He’s a man! A man with feelings and a laptop!!!

I dig.

Accessorize that ugly thing with a pink sports bra underneath of course. And make sure it matches the headband.

Alex Morgan, you are my new favorite player in the Women’s World Cup.

A few things:

• How to Boost Your Self-Esteem. Women with the self-esteem of a single-celled organism should PROBABLY not attempt to be on this show. When you’ve got 21 dudes, all with different hair that are trying to make you their reality show wife, you should probably try to own that. I mean, this is really never going to happen again in your lifetime. Ever. Especially with that voice of yours. So could you please make like Michelle Money and at least fake it a little bit? If we wanted to see a hailstorm of emotions and you on the floor in a puddle of tears again, we’d most likely watch professional wrestling. At least that’s real.

And while we’re here we should note that Ashley was all worried that the guys wouldn’t want to see her as the Bachelorette and everything. I’m sorry that you were on the season where they had at least three/four stone cold hotties. If you were on Ali’s season, you’d probably be a little mini-goddess right now. See? She’s really not THAT attractive with that little scrunched up face. She kind of looks like a Muppet. A friendly one.

• You should never apologize for being happy. It’s probably impossible to be THAT happy all the time, isn’t it Ryan? Unless you really are the world’s largest ball of cheese. Yes, let’s go with that answer. And PLEASE stop awkwardly touching Ashley. I feel like you’re molesting her with your eyes and outrageously large smile every time you look at her.

Queso.

• It is possible to look AND be drunk all the time. Ames is drunk, pretty much all the time. And I respect that. If my parents named me Ames, and I’m a successful “portfolio manager” and I’ve been reduced to finding love on a reality show where pretty much everyone else is a waste of flesh, I would drink like a freaking fish, brother! Bring on the alcohol. Oh, and also, it would actually create some sort of personality for me. And I would need that. Because woooohoooo I am vanilla. I feel bad that Ames is “fighting” for Ashley. He seems like a nice man. Also, the one most likely to be a closeted gay. After Ryan, that is.

Soooo drunk right now. Or concussed. Not sure which.

• Vanilla comes in more than one flavor. There are two guys with longer hair and I cannot keep them apart. I think I’ll just start calling them Runner Up No. 7 and No. 6. Because they are both AWFUL.
• Even though I am a dude with a healthy desire for women and the female form, I would totally date JP. He could totally take me to dinner at like, Taco Bell or something.  Manly, loyal, works construction, looks good with no hair, has seen Ashley at her most fug and for some reason still is like, into her. I will put a stake in the ground and say that he’s going to be the one at the end, because Ashley can’t stand anyone else on this season not from Utah. Oh, and he also didn’t throw a little hissy a la Mickey when she revealed the whole Bentley hotel thing. He’s laser focused! Like a shark circling a chihuaha. Covered in chocolate sauce.

Jp. Definitely NOT Ashley.

• I wonder what Chantal is doing right now. Do you think she’s happy? What about the funeral girl with the weird, creeped out dad that was all forbidding her from leaving Chico and their weirdly appointed living room? She was nice too.
• Asia is beautiful. And weird. You can tell a season really sucks when they have to go all Amazing Race on us and go to a different locale each and every episode. We see right through this little tour of Asia, producers. You’re trying to add SOME spice. A 4 foot eleven midget and her cadre of semi-interested dudes can’t generate enough sparks, so let’s have some pictures of pretty backgrounds and scenery!!! I especially liked this last episode where they did the group date/quit session on a floating restaurant or something. And all you saw were workers dressed in black scurrying around all over the place trying to get ready for the dinner rush or something. Couldn’t they rent the place out? And I also enjoyed on the PJ date where they rode a tram up to a parking garage or something. The view was nice, but why did there have to be a creepy dude just one level down playing a spooky song on his cane? I think PJ would have been able to get some here but the ambiance was just too freaky.
• I’m hoping that Bentley comes back for the “Bachelors Tell All” and cries when he gets attacked, because he can’t believe that everyone is mad at him. He’s incredulous actually. Kind of like the shock and horror that Michelle experienced last season. Yeah, kind of like that. And then the women in the audience will all line up to hook up with him and his hair.

• I have no idea what’s going to happen. Mostly, when the season is over, PJ “wins” a relationship that will be over in three weeks because Vienna is trying to get with him, WHO do they select from this crop as the next Bachelor? I’m calling it right now. Boston Rob from Survivor will be the next Bachelor. Amber says it’s ok because this is one reality show that the two of them have not yet conquered.

Then the same thing happens. A team wins and some nameless, faceless person rushes out to make sure all of these sweaty humans hurriedly adorn themselves in the ugliest caps and t-shirts known to man. I mean, I get it, that you want to increase the amount of merch that non-sweaty humans will purchase, but can’t they even have 30 seconds to celebrate before you turn them into a storefront? And why do they have to be so ugly? I mean, look at Jason Terry or Dirk Nowitzki in their shiny new t-shirts and baseball caps.

Don’t they look stupid? And a crappy white t-shirt to commemorate your achievement? Thanks for working so hard for the past 8 months or so. Just so you know how special your accomplishment is, hurry and wrap your carcass in this $7 t-shirt that the kids in Sri Lanka just completed. There. NOW do you feel like a champion?

Just once, I would like to see teams actually celebrating in their uniforms. Like a real team would.

Luckily, EVERY other sport has now gotten into the act as well…

See that Stanley Cup there? The one that he’s lifting over his head? You know, the head that is tightly wrapped in a Boston Bruins Champions ballcap?

At least in baseball it makes sense…

but could this BE any uglier? I think it’s great that you’re number 1 and all, but I am never wearing this hat. And neither is anyone else outside of CT. Ever.

Women’s basketball too. Nice t-shirt. And understandably, only a few Lady Aggies (?) want to be seen wearing the ugly championship hat.

Congratulations! You won a championship! Now hurry and put on all of this ugly crap!

It doesn’t stop there. Now if you are an amateur athlete and you get drafted into the pros, you also have to wear the stupid hat as well. I’m surprised they don’t make them throw on a team t-shirt over their suits. That’s probably coming soon.

The shocked look, suit and an ugly ballcap. It looks like you just got drafted, son!

Actually, I can’t see the hat. I’m distracted by that abomination on his upper lip. I am shocked that you have not been able to make your way in the NBA, sir. Shocked.

Well…you WERE looking sharp, until you put that stupid hat on.

Thanks for holding the jersey up to your body. With all of that teal on your head, I almost wasn’t sure who had selected you. Good thing I can easily tell by looking at your head.

Someone, please help these athletes. Free them from the bonds of sports marketers run amok. Let them celebrate their championships in their uniforms, helmets and sweatbands, and not this cheesy crap that even die hard fans would have to consider for 30-40 minutes before clicking “Buy”.

Did ANYONE buy the ugly Mavericks championship hat? Do you wear it in public? Is the shelf life of this item longer than two weeks? Will you then frame it and place it in a shadowbox next to your Barbie collection?

I just don’t get it. Sports world, please stop.

First of all, kudos to JJ Abrams for not giving away the entire story in the movie trailer. There are like three of us in this country that don’t like knowing every little detail about a movie before we show up for it. We don’t stalk movie spoiler sites and we actually like to be uh, surprised when stuff happens, as we slowly watch the story develop and unfold. Kind of like watching a tiny butterfly coming out of it’s cocoon for the first time without having to be told the color of it’s wings WEEKS in advance! Let’s just say it’s a shocking take on modern movie making and marketing.

So as not to give much away, here are the things that I really enjoyed about this movie.

• The best train crash scene that modern man has been able to capture on film. CGI? Real stuff? I don’t care. It looked and sounded amazing, and even though I saw some of this in the preview, holy crap, it was awesome to witness the entire scene
• This dude. Down here. On the right. The one that is not a blonde girl. This little man can flat out ACT. I felt empathy for him almost immediately, and I wanted him to be able to achieve all of his little 1979-era dreams. In fact, I’m STILL rooting for him and I saw this movie like four days ago. Do you think he’ll be my friend if I asked him?

• Coach Taylor. I don’t care that he plays the same character in pretty much everything, even keeping his Southern accent (and clearly this movie takes place in Ohio. Maybe he moved up from Texas or something when he was a teenager?) But I wouldn’t mind if Kyle Chandler was my own father. Tough, yet fair. Clear eyes, warm hearts, can’t lose. Or something like that.

• Best use of Ron Eldard since “ER”. And I’m pretty sure he, Margulies and Goose from “Top Gun” STILL regret leaving that show.

• Another Fanning, not Dakota. Why is this family so good at acting? They are frightening. Especially if you’ve ever seen Elle Fanning interviewed in real life. She is absolutely impossible to listen to and is clearly like, eleven years old. So why is she sooo good at pretending to be someone else? Man, if Elle Fanning were to marry Freddie Highmore or something, their babies would be able to produce an entire cornucopia of emotions-on-demand. Think about it, they would never even know if their crying baby was really in need of something, or if he was really just…acting. And they’d have to put all of his bottles on the craft services table, per the rider in his contract.
• That early ’80′s E.T. vibe that every movie critic and their mother is talking about. Yes, even down to the one foul-mouthed kid. It’s all there.
• The lighting. Subtle blue, eerie lights as foreshadowing that something wasn’t as it seemed. Awesome, and a nice effect.
• Not knowing just WHAT is going to happen next
• White Rubik’s cubes. I would want one. Or several. That’s all I’m saying.
• That skeevy Noah Emmerich. Does this man EVER play a non-skeevy character? I don’t care that you’re smiling sir. You are creepy.

To sum up, you should go see it. And that’s really all I’m going to say about it. So there.