Viva l’America

What to do when you’re playing in the World Cup and your country and team has saddled you with one of the most atrocious uniforms known to man? A uniform that makes you look like you’re either going scuba diving, or serving me a brioche on a cruise ship?

Accessorize that ugly thing with a pink sports bra underneath of course. And make sure it matches the headband.

Alex Morgan, you are my new favorite player in the Women’s World Cup.

Please stop…

I enjoy sports. One of the great things about watching sports is witnessing the spectacle of a championship, either real (NBA Finals, NFL SuperBowl) or imagined (BCS Championship Game, anything involving NASCAR or tennis.) These events are most often very enjoyable to watch, (as long as the Lakers, Yankees or Heat aren’t winning.) Until we crown a winner that is.

Then the same thing happens. A team wins and some nameless, faceless person rushes out to make sure all of these sweaty humans hurriedly adorn themselves in the ugliest caps and t-shirts known to man. I mean, I get it, that you want to increase the amount of merch that non-sweaty humans will purchase, but can’t they even have 30 seconds to celebrate before you turn them into a storefront? And why do they have to be so ugly? I mean, look at Jason Terry or Dirk Nowitzki in their shiny new t-shirts and baseball caps.

Don’t they look stupid? And a crappy white t-shirt to commemorate your achievement? Thanks for working so hard for the past 8 months or so. Just so you know how special your accomplishment is, hurry and wrap your carcass in this $7 t-shirt that the kids in Sri Lanka just completed. There. NOW do you feel like a champion?

Just once, I would like to see teams actually celebrating in their uniforms. Like a real team would.

Luckily, EVERY other sport has now gotten into the act as well…

See that Stanley Cup there? The one that he’s lifting over his head? You know, the head that is tightly wrapped in a Boston Bruins Champions ballcap?

At least in baseball it makes sense…

but could this BE any uglier? I think it’s great that you’re number 1 and all, but I am never wearing this hat. And neither is anyone else outside of CT. Ever.

Women’s basketball too. Nice t-shirt. And understandably, only a few Lady Aggies (?) want to be seen wearing the ugly championship hat.

Congratulations! You won a championship! Now hurry and put on all of this ugly crap!

It doesn’t stop there. Now if you are an amateur athlete and you get drafted into the pros, you also have to wear the stupid hat as well. I’m surprised they don’t make them throw on a team t-shirt over their suits. That’s probably coming soon.

The shocked look, suit and an ugly ballcap. It looks like you just got drafted, son!

Actually, I can’t see the hat. I’m distracted by that abomination on his upper lip. I am shocked that you have not been able to make your way in the NBA, sir. Shocked.

Well…you WERE looking sharp, until you put that stupid hat on.

Thanks for holding the jersey up to your body. With all of that teal on your head, I almost wasn’t sure who had selected you. Good thing I can easily tell by looking at your head.

Someone, please help these athletes. Free them from the bonds of sports marketers run amok. Let them celebrate their championships in their uniforms, helmets and sweatbands, and not this cheesy crap that even die hard fans would have to consider for 30-40 minutes before clicking “Buy”.

Did ANYONE buy the ugly Mavericks championship hat? Do you wear it in public? Is the shelf life of this item longer than two weeks? Will you then frame it and place it in a shadowbox next to your Barbie collection?

I just don’t get it. Sports world, please stop.

I’m starting to question my reality

Watching the NBA this season has been interesting. I usually like to watch sports so I can root AGAINST the evil empires. The Yankees, the Raiders, the Lakers, and any other team that Johnny Bandwagon decides to support because they’ve experienced “eleventeen years of awesome in a row!”

When the Mavericks started playing the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals, I was faced with a real conundrum. I hate the Mavericks, and I hate the Heat. But everyone has to pick a side. Even if it’s only for the duration of the playoffs. Do I continue my lifelong ban on rooting against the Mavericks or do I continue to honor my strong dislike for all things LeBron, Dwayne and the Velociraptor? Because one of my long-standing rules is any kid under the age of 18 that manages to get featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated, I automatically hate. (The jury is still out on Bryce Harper. )

How can you root FOR this?

Some things I learned whilst watching the NBA Finals this year:

1. Dirk Nowitzki isn’t all that bad. In fact, he’s real easy to root for. Being a fan of a Western Conference team that Dirk punks with annual regularity, I have spent most of my life hating him. This year, at least temporarily, he’s really not so bad. After uttering that statement, I think my cerebellum just popped.
2. Now that LeBron has lost ANOTHER championship, I’m going to get back to my loser-y life. Thanks for the reminder, Lebron. It’s nice to know that you’re so out of touch with fans of the NBA that you feel the need to lobotomize them during your post-game press conference. The great thing is, when I woke up this morning, I had as many championship rings as you do. And I don’t even play in the NBA for a living!
3. I like Mark Cuban. There. I said it.
4. I feel bad for Eric Spoelstra. He’s a good coach and he knows what he’s doing, and he’s saddled with three players who are always looking for an excuse when they lose. Like their coach.
5. With no one else to blame, LeBron now turns his blame on God.
   
   
6. Dwayne Wade makes some bad decisions. Making fun of a dude with a sinus infection when you’re down 3-2 on national TV. Dating Starr Jones in 2005. I rest my case.
7. DeSean Stevensen speaks the truth. Even if I can’t stand the backwards Pittsburgh Pirates logo on his CHEEK.
8. Anytime the NFL wants to start up, I am down.
9. Chris Bosh should go back to the dreadlocks. He looked a little more powerful then. Like a Na’vi from Avatar. Now he looks like an ostrich with a mouthpiece who still hasn’t figured out how to move without the ball.
10.  JJ Barea is apparently the man. Not only does he go by initials, but he’s also currently dating a former Ms. Universe. Oh yeah, and him starting in game 4 is what contributed to the Mavericks winning. And all while being the size of a salad fork.

It doesn’t quite add up, does it?

My reality has been shaken. Next I feel like defending Ramona from the “Real Housewives of New York City” Someone…help me.

Things That Are Dumber Than the BCS

It’s no secret that I am not a fan of the corrupt cartel known as the Bowl Championship Series. It’s highly ironic that an organization responsible for educating our young men and women looks at outsourcing their postseason as a smart decision. Don’t they have one math major in the NCAA? Don’t they know that switching to a college football playoff = more money for them to keep and an actual crowned champion instead of a fake one that hoists that stupid crystal football? Have they learned nothing from the greatness that is March Madness?

There are millions of great articles every year about the NEED, nay the RIGHT of every American to expect a playoff instead of this hokum. Like this one. But it’s promptly ignored so the apologists can tell us how great it is that we get something called the AdvoCare 100 Bowl instead.

Still upset he got beat by Utah last year.

Here are some things even dumber than this wonderful system we are stuck with for at least the next five years.

• Jon Gosselin
• A hot sauce enema
• Cancer
• the Pontiac Aztek
• Baywatch Nights
• The McRib
• Tap dancing
• Synchronized swimming
• Organic Pop-tarts
• Baseball
• Nick Saban
• The entire Kardashian family
• Pluto
• Nicolas Cage’s hairpieces
• The New York Yankees

Why Fantasy Football is Man’s Greatest Sport

Aaah fall. The leaves turn from green to gold, there is a slight chill in the air, my exotic summer Speedo gives way to a curmudgeonly autumn v-neck sweater. The only redeeming feature of fall is football season, and even better than that…fantasy football. If there’s anything better in the world than Fantasy Football, I haven’t found it, and believe me, I’ve spent time in Bangkok and as a house guest of Jessica Alba. I’m also pretty sure the ancient Greeks played Fantasy Olympics, the Japanese have Fantasy Sumo, and the Swedish have Fantasy Sauna-ing. But here in America, Man’s Greatest Sport is clearly the control and manipulation of real human beings on fake football teams.

Here are some reasons why Fantasy Football whips:

1. The Fantasy Draft – a wonderful opportunity to get with your friends for roughly 6-18 hours as you seek to own every player in the National Football League. Oh yeah, and a unique opportunity to make fun of everyone’s selections and to bring up old insecurities. Just like the high school Dungeons and Dragons Club, but soooo much nerdier.
2. I can’t control a garden weasel, but in the world of fantasy football, not only can I be a coach AND a general manager, but if I can find 11 fellow nerds to play with me, I can be a commissioner too! I can control the freaking world! I am all powerful! Call me Aldor! King of the Football People!!! (Ok, maybe don’t do that, that’s weird.)
3. The opportunity to become all knowing. ALL KNOWING. Want to know which kicker has the best field goal percentage in snow in the third week of December while sparrows fly over their head and when the wind blows in a southeasterly direction with a placeholder who had a carne asada burrito for lunch? Yeah, I do. And it’s Mason Crosby. Suck it.
4. A built-in excuse to watch every football game, every week. No one’s going to be watching The Buffalo Bills play the Oakland Raiders, but with fantasy football, it becomes instantly watchable. I’m convinced that the only people watching these games on television are people who own the Bills third string tight end and Al Davis. Hoping that his Raiders are going to someday turn it around. Just die already, Al. That’s the only way they’re improving.
5. The opportunity to wheel and deal like a contestant on the Price is Right. Not happy with your team? Trade them all! Hate Clinton Portis as much as I do? Trade the sad sack away for a wide receiver and a case of magical beans.
6. It’s pretty much the only chance I’ll have to tell athletic strong human beings what to do. Unless I become field hockey captain in prison or something.
7. Instead of actually thinking about “life” or contemplating “things that matter” you’re able to spend the entire week wondering if you should play Chad Ochocinco or Felix Jones in your coveted WR/RB/TE flex position.
8. It has the word “fantasy” in it. Aren’t all those things good? Like riding a unicorn through a meadow filled with beef jerky. Now THERE’S a fantasy.
9. The chance to REALLY test how much your wife loves you. 11 weeks in, and yes, she does. I am Aldor!!!

Yeah, he’s probably pretty good at fantasy.