American Idol Recap – 21st Century Songs – Season 10

So I went ahead and quit the ol’ American Idol last year. Because it sucked. Between the hippie chick who never washed her hair, Simon Cowell’s growing indifference, and Kara’s need to overwhelm us with her words, it was work just to make it through an episode. Kind of like watching “Say Yes to the Dress.” I heard that Lee Something or other won, but uh…who cares.

I tried again this year, even though they didn’t take the opportunity to can useless Randy Jackson and replace him with someone with a pulse and more than a six word vocabulary. The fact that Jennifer Lopez had been added was a big plus. I’m convinced that she drinks unicorn tears to keep her looking youthful and hott. Because seriously, homegirl is 41 years old! And she looks about 23. Bonus points for being married to the street urchin Mark Anthony, who’s sheer presence HAS to take months off of her life every time she’s around him.

Seriously? 41, has had twins and is married to a muskrat?

P.S. Do you think Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are watching from home this year? I’m sure Garner has it blocked from their DVR. “No Ben, we’re watching HGTV’s ‘House Hunters International’ and that’s that!”

So to sum up, this year has been enjoyable. They’ve gotten rid of most of the tripe early (Ashton what’s her name, Karen something-or-other) and only made a few mistakes (Pia. Even though she had the personality of sandpaper, could SANG and when she wasn’t wearing that horrid Gwen Stefani jumpsuit was not bad to look at. Bonus points to the producers to bringing her new “famous” boyfriend on the show. Boo, Mark Ballas, just, boo.)

So I’m going to attempt another recap, like it’s 2009.

First of all, I think it’s a great idea that they let the kids pick songs from the past 11 years. Too often, the old fogies running the show think it’s going to be great to have them sing Country Music from the ’60′s or Nigel’s Favorite Beatles Songs or something else ridiculous that only people in rest homes enjoy while they’re spinning around in their Jazzy’s. So welcome to the future, American Idol.

But what was with bringing out the dear, departed contestants that had been voted off to sing of all things “So What?” Really? Isn’t it bad enough that they have to show their faces on our screens again, but then to make them sing a kiss-off song like that? What are you saying producers? “So what/ We all got kicked off/ But we’re having more fun/ And you’re all tools, so…/ Not really a good choice for some of these people we’ll never see again. I’m surprised Karen didn’t try to sing her part: “Yo, check my flow, uggggh” in Spanish. At least it did give us an excuse to catch a glimpse of Pia again. Who literally destroyed everyone else in the group. When they actually turned her microphone on.

Trying REAL hard to sing their faces off.  Except Paul.

And could everyone tell that Paul “I Just Got Kicked Off Last Week, But Here I Am in This Same, Weird Rosy Suit That Was Tired After Week 3″ McDonald wanted to be anywhere but right there? From his lackluster vocals to his body language, he seemed to be intentionally bombing so he could get off the stage a little bit faster. My pride felt for his.

But, on to the ones that still have a shot at being praised by Steven Tyler. Because that’s all he does. Ever.

1. Scotty McCreery
First off, I always love the show when the kids get to rip on each other. And can I just say that they were right on with Scotty’s weird microphone holding technique. It’s like he’s gingerly holding a newborn to his mouth or a really large sandwich that he’s trying very carefully to keep the salami from falling out of. It’s weird, Scotty. Hold it like a man. See how Casey does it. He grips that thing like it’s a trout that he just plucked from a raging river. And if he doesn’t hold it tightly with his whole fist, it’s going to swim into his beard. THAT’s how you hold a microphone, my friend. Even George Michael knows. Ask him.

Going for the full-on ham sandwich

So the world shifted on it’s axis and Scotty sang another country song. Shocking. We get it, Scotty. You’re aiming to be Josh Gracin. Don’t worry about extending yourself or anything. And this time, while holding the mic in his same fruitcake-y way, he decided to flex his eyebrows and creep me out by looking at me directly through the camera. Here’s the thing Scotty. Your voice is quite deep. If I was a big country music guy who wore a large hat and drove a tractor to work, I might even be really into the things that come out of your mouth. But I’m not, and you suck. Flexing your caterpillars at me is not cute. And even though you seem to have a genuine sense of humor which I appreciate, I am not going to pick up my power texter to send you 3,000 votes because you think you’re “being cute.” Grandma’s must enjoy this behavior and horrible LeeAnne Rimes songs, but it’s lost on the rest of us that aren’t 12 or 87.

For once, Randy had something somewhat constructive to say when he mocked your song choice. I have to agree. If Iwas you and had the entire catalog to choose from, why not pick a pop song and make it a country song? Why not re-boot “Hit Me Baby One More Time” or something else crap-tastic? Making it into a country song isn’t going to make it worse. Get back to me when you’re done playing the flute.

2. James Durbin
I have never been a James fan. I get that he’s like autistic and epileptic or whatever, which is why I don’t make fun of his cute little awkward faces that he makes. And I’m totally leaving alone that one time when he met Hulk Hogan and he pretended to be surprised for like, ever. After it was obvious that he was no longer surprised, he kept making the “O” face with big, bugged out eyes. We get it. It was totally shocking. Even after he’d come out a few times in rehearsals. You get a pass on all that. However, I can’t let go the fact that you have a dangly earring that I just want to rip out of your lobe and stuff in the pocket of your jeans that are always too tight for your pear-shaped lower half. But that is all.

Showing those feathers on his shoulder who’s boss

I’ve never really enjoyed his vocals as they’re all too Adam Lambert-y, but I have to admit that he did a great job with the Muse song. Not only did he pick a Muse song in the first place, which is amazing compared to all of his other crappy choices, but his voice actually sounded good. And I didn’t mind the feathery storm trooper outfit either. I mean after being subjected to months of Adam Lambert fashion (where in Week 12, I’m pretty sure he killed an entire peacock to make his outfit) I can handle a little shoulder pads and walking stick action. Also, the drummers on rental from some random marching band was a nice touch. The last time we saw drummers was on stage with Naiiiima when she got murdered for going all reggae on something, so I’m glad that drummers can know be used without harming a contestant’s chances.

3. Haley Reinhart
Why can this woman get no love from the judges? Hands down, Haley is my new favorite. I love her. Her vocals, her weird style, the fact that she ALWAYS wears bright red lipstick that I’m always worried is going to end up on her teeth again. Everything. This girl can freaking sing and she actually knows how to pick a song or two. Yes, she may add in her patented “growl” a little too much, but who cares when the rest of it sounds like this. Her version of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” was ALMOST better than the original. At least it was different enough to make it interesting with her cool, raspy voice. And different enough that I may have just paid $1.29 for it on iTunes. Maybe. Just now. Of course, when she’s done singing, all the judges can mention is how she was flat in parts. No “She’s in it to win it!” or “We got a hot one in here!” or any other Randy nonsense. Nothing. Just you were flat. It was aiiight. She cannot catch a break. It’s no wonder she’s in the Bottom Three every week. I may actually need to start voting in this biznasss.Keep Haley alive, people!!!

Save Haley. And you save the world. Or something like that.

4. Jacob Lusk
Ugh. Where to start with this dude? First of all, he’s been waiting all season and finally broke out the dead dad card. Thanks Jacob. Way to show some restraint. Now I finally have an inkling why he gets so emotional. All the time. It didn’t make sense to me while caterwauling his way through “God Bless the Child” that he acted like he left Leo on the deck of the Titanic afterwards, but I suppose it now makes a little more sense. I think it’s best for Jacob that he get some intensive therapy with an actual therapist instead of throwing his issues on us each week. Maybe he could borrow Brad Womack’s therapist and it could be a weekly thing until he gets kicked off, or Emily Maynard dumps him. Oh wait, he wouldn’t like Emily much. Because she smells like a girl.

And judges, I’m sorry but you should not be ENCOURAGING him to “go for it” and to “get over that mountaintop!” This man does not know how to show restraint with anything. If he were to sing at a funeral, he’d probably tip over the casket and  and verbally assaulted the cadaver, while making his mouth real big to get out all of those weird sounds. Judges, your boy needs to reign it the freak in. Like, I don’t know, sing a song with NO runs or “ai yai yais” or whatever he likes to embellish with. If Jacob were an inanimate object, he would be the Sacajawea dollar, because I am so over him. Do the right thing America. Don’t vote Jacob! We can do this!

5. Casey Jacobs
He sang a Maroon 5 song. He made his weird faces into the microphone. He dared to kiss Jennifer Lopez. He will win this competition handily.

6. Stefano Langone
Finally, some solid assistance from Jimmy Iovine! He’s not just a tiny man in a little teeny leather jacket whose sole purpose is to advertise BEATS by DR. DRE every time he gets a little camera time. Telling Stefano to “F” the pleading that he was doing on stage, was something that I believe he needed to hear. Forget the fact that Stefano’s an R & B guy, and that’s what R & B is all about. Pleading with your lady until she finally surrenders the nookie, just so you’ll shut up. At a high level, that’s really all R & B is.  And on the Great Pyramid of Annoyance, it’s just below Jacob’s dying vocal acrobatics.

Baby, come here and let me looooooooooovvvveeee you! Please!

So he took the stage, kept the whining to a minimum, and got a nice chance to show off some dance moves. Unfortunately, he was also wearing some distracting Larry King suspenders, but he proved that he can sing and dance. Even the useless mound that is Steven Tyler chose to comment on it. “I was hoping that you would dance. And you did.” Was Steven’s ENTIRE critique of Stefano. In it’s entirety. Thanks for being here Steve! Now that you’ve selected a Top 24, I’m glad to see that you’re just coasting through until Aerosmith goes on tour in the fall. What with you AND Randy, it’s a wonder that these kids even know WHAT to do from week to week!

7. Lauren Alaina
Again, the judges like to hate on our lone remaining female contestants. Never really anything positive to say about Lauren. I think she’s got an incredible voice, I just wish she would be better at picking which song to sing with it. I get that you’re like twelve years old and you’re from the country so you haven’t been subjected to much modern music, but seriously. “The Climb?” and this week “Born to Fly”? Sara Evans? Was a Steven Curtis Chapman song not available? Aren’t there any non-crappy country pop songs that you could have attempted? Anything at all from Sugarland or  The Band Perry? Please? And can you please tell your Mom that she’s over 40 and should really stop coloring her hair like that? And that acid wash jeans are only to be worn by hipsters in LA that are trying to bring the look back, not by southern housewives? Thank you.

Lauren. A very excited fiddle player. VERY excited.

So with the coveted pimp spot, Lauren kind of ended the night with a whimper. She’ll get a few more chances to keep trying.

And Stefano ends up beating out Jacob for the right to go home. So close! Keep trying, America! We CAN send Jacob and his pouty, holier-than- thou attitude home. And soon. I have never seen a contestant so upset by being in the Bottom Three. Like, he’s so shocked and hurt by it, that he can’t even pretend to put on a happy face about it. At the end of the results show, it looked like he wanted to murder everyone there, starting with Katy Perry in her light-up suit.Which would have been fine since she didn’t even attempt to sing live. I guess with all the complicated choreography, it was too hard to actually sing your hit. Katy, please take the alien Lusk with you and exit stage left. That’d be cool.

Kris Allen Wins. Vampires and the Entire Cast of “Newsies” Weeps.

I think it would be great if we could talk about the finale of the American Idol. For just a minute. Because I haven’t had a chance to discuss it yet. Because I JUST finally watched it like the other day. After the outcome had become known by just about everyone. Including old people who drive cars while wearing hats. They knew the outcome of our American Idol before I did!

So if it’s alright, I would like to share some thoughts. You know, now that America has crowned a champion and moved on to other things like Sucky Jon & Kate Plus 8 Miserable Children, or that dancing show with the other Simon on it with Andy Gibb hair.

First of all, can you believe that five months has passed since the very first audition show? Five months! If I was a New Guinean gibbon, I could have given birth by now to eleven of the most adorable gibbon babies that you have ever seen. All I’m saying is that five months is a long time to dedicate to one show, and I’m beyond relieved that I was spared having to watch Danny Gokey’s smug face in these finals. I would have been forced to seek out a small baby to punch. Luckily all babies were spared as this was actually the finale I wanted to see (since the whole Allison/ Kris thing never materialized as it should have.)

Here’s your finale. Adam wishes they were kissing.

Round 1
Kris has apparently watched this show before as he has learned that if you win the ever-so-important coin flip, that you make the other dude go first! This way, you can be the last one on the stage singing “This is My Now” or “Climb Every Waterfall” or some other crappy song about rainbows and unicorns at the end. It’s also your one chance to wrestle the pimp spot away from Adam who has had it like 47 times since January. Give the kid a shot! As a sidenote, I also like that they had some lowly intern comb through hours and hours of footage to actually find some Kris Allen tryout footage. Since we hadn’t ever seen Kris on the show EVAR until the Top 24, I’m surprised they could find something for him. Either that, or they forced to put on his slightly askew cap, the same outfit and re-create putting his number on for the first time. Just like the moon landing. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did that, especially since Kris entered the season in the cannon fodder spot and was not supposed to make it past that loon Tatiana.

Adam kicked the show off in full “Starlight Express” mode singing “Mad World” and flooded in that eerie blue light again. I thought he started out alright (for Adam)  and then I saw his trench coat, boots, weird pants and pancake makeup and wondered if he was going to attempt to mime the song while placing a cockatoo on his shoulder. I agree with Simon on his “theatrical” take. The only thing that would have made it more theatrical would have been having to pay $80 bucks for my seat. All the prententiousness was built right into the performance!

Look at my cool trench, kids!

Kris then came out and played “Ain’t No Sunshine” again. Originally I was a little bit disappointed as I thought he had a billion songs that were better. “Falling Slowly” “Heartless” even “She Works Hard for the Money” come to mind. But as soon as he started singing, I immediately shut up. Easily one of his best performances of the season, and he proved that he belongs in the final and beyond. I can’t imagine the Goke conjuring up a performance like that with a full on top hat, rabbit and actual magical powers.

Round 1 Victor

Round 1 Victor: Kris

Round 2
Producer’s choice here, which is always a scary thing. Mostly because the producers are old and don’t realize that there has been popular music made in the last ten years. This year as an added bonus they decided to get all “socially conscious” on us as well. Which given the “current climate” and “landscape” made “perfect sense.” At least they kept trying to tell usthat anyway. All I know is that I’m watching two dudes sing to me on my television set. I don’t care what songs they’re singing, as long as they’re qualiTAY. That’s all I’m looking for.

Adam made one last shot at getting the straight vote by dressing up in a nice metallic suit, doing that thing with his hair so it’s not so vampire-y and frightening and sang “Change is Gon’ Come” with all the fervor of a man who’s actually stepped inside a church once or twice in his life. He probably had to visit Wikipedia to find out what that was like. So as soon as Adam starts into his shrill banshee screaming and caterwauling, I typically check out and start thinking about what shampoo to use in the morning or if I’m going to try to skip the third gear in my car during my entire commute the next day. But this time, Adam actually sounded not so sucky. He even bordered on kind of good. I even found myself thinking, “You know, this dude isn’t so bad. Once you get past the screaming and the eleventeen octaves and horrible costume jewelry on every available limb, he’s really not that bad.” And then my wife slapped me and my pupils un-dilated and I realized that it was all a horrible, horrible dream . That was close. Adam still sucks, everybody!

Can you imagine what this sounds like?

I think I’ve also determined that because the judges fawn all over Adam like he’s a newborn puppy with leukemia, and constantly act like they’ve never been privy to the musical nirvana that he brings that I hate him more because of that. I will never like the New York Yankees, Notre Dame anything, Kobe Bryant as a basketball player or a human, or any sports team from Dallas. Because you tell me they’re the best. Why don’t you let me figure it out on my own instead of constantly bowing down to him and calling him a “Rock God” and whatever gibberish comes out of Paula’s mouth?

Kris sang an equally socially conscious song, Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On.” He did a great job with it, switching up the phrasing and the overall tone of the song. He also had some guitar strumming dudes helping him out which always seems to add a nice flourish to any number. I thought it was just fine, even for a finale. Simon thought other wise and chose to gush about just how great Adam is. For the 97th time.

Round 2 Victor: Adam

Final Round
This would have been a pretty significant round if our two Idols weren’t forced to sing such a crap-tastic song. I think it must be written in the rules somewhere that the glorious, triumphant song sung at the end always has to elude to a great journey or overcoming obstacles to reach a better, bigger place. How about just writing a good song? It could even be about nothing? Or watching sheep grow wool or something. Just give me a nice melody and a hook that actually hooks me! This song took THREE people including Ms. DioGuardi to craft, and I could have done a better job by throwing tennis balls at a Speak n’ Spell. “You can go higher, you can go deeper?” Which is it?! Am I trying to go high or deep? And why do I want to get to the top of the mountain anyway? Don’t I just want to get to that peaceful meadow over there? Why do I have to be so extreme? After eight years it doesn’t matter. Whether they enlist professionals like Dianne Warren, or have a contest on the Internets with Average Joes or have Kara write something, it always sucks. I’ve got your “Moment Like This” and it always seems to look like a sixth grade dance.

Both Adam and Kris sucked on this song, mostly because they knew what they were singing was crappy, and I think both of them were gearing up to sing with cool people the next night. Like Kiss! and Keith Urban! Actual singers! But I’ll be honest, this was one of the best finals ever as it could have gone EITHER way. Like Adam.

Round 3 Victor: The “off” button on my television.

The Finale!

First off, I would like to comment on the results before anything else. Completely shocking and completely deserved. I have downloaded more Kris Allen songs with actual money than I have any other contestant. I am convinced that Adam is a nice guy and good person, but his voice is like hearing a vulture rip out his voice box while he attempts even higher notes. Some sounds weren’t meant for human ears. I am shocked also that the Cullen Family didn’t vote 7 million times for Adam. Not only are they immortal, but I’m sure they could have dialed incredibly fast. You’d think they would have supported one of their own. Well, everyone except Rosalie. She’s kind of stuck up.

Totally didn’t vote for Adam. Or Bella either.

Other Musings:

While Adam was wearing his wire shoulder pads and lycra jumpsuit while performing with Kiss, I don’t think he’s ever looked happier. He’s going to miss all of this.

What, these? Oh I just brought them from home. Woot!

Kris Allen more than held his own with Keith Urban. A tens of millions selling recording artist. His voice and guitar pickin’ were both at times stronger and more confident than Mr. Kidman’s. And  his body didn’t look so weird.

Kris straight up dominating Mr. Kidman

And why oh why, did Lil Rounds get her own song with Queen Latifah? Lil Rounds? Latifah? They’re both awful. My fast forward button was screaming I hit it so hard.

Lil Rounds and Latifah. Both in ill-fitting stretch pants.

And I can’t say enough about the awesomeness that was “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper and Allison Bringstheheta. It was great. I can’t wait to hear what Allison will do once she is in the recording booth and has hand-crafted album. I imagine that I will purchase it with actual American money.

Allison singing her face off. Cyndi Lauper showing me things I really don’t want to see.

And I loved when Adam and Kris were both singing with Queen (sidebar: Brian May REALLY needs to re-think his long, Kenny G afro-mullet. I’m sure it was a fantastic idea back in the ’70′s when they were a relevant band and Freddie Mercury had a really amazing overbite. But now? It looks kind of pathetic like.) Anyway, it was awesome when they were both singing “We Are the Champions” and saying to each other “Can you believe this? Queen? Us? Dry ice?  Tomorrow this all goes away. Sure we’re going to be changed forever, but it all goes away.” They seemed genuinely happy.

Oh man, this sure is great. Hey, what’s up with dude’s hair?

Unlike Megan Joy who was trying to wrench every ounce of camera time into something…anything! I think she got home and realized how quickly people are forgotten on this show, and was determined to make the most of her limited time on camera. Also, her duet with oil rig guy and Steve Martin was actually kind of nice.

Actually, this wasn’t bad.

So congratulations and a long musical career to Kris. I think it’s significant to note that a local alternative radio station is already playing his “Heartless” and they HATE American Idol. That really kind of says something. I’m sure Adam will be successful as well. Back on Broadway. Actually I can’t wait to hear his album as well. And see how many people don’t actually buy it. It will be nice.

Dude. I’m shocked too.

Until next January!

Worst. Finale. Ever.

Well that was a waste of five months of precious DVR time. The fact that HELEN ends up winning “The Biggest Loser” proves that Ghandi was WRONG and there is no such thing as karma.

To recap:

• Helen is the most selfish woman ever
• Her 26-year old daughter, who is on the show with her, cries in her interview package that she’s 26, she wants to get married, she wants to have a family, she wants to stop being the “chubby girl” which is why she came on the show
• After week 1, Helen sends Shannon home for 30 days, because if Helen went home “she’d totally start smoking again and eating crappy.” Sidebar: Helen has been skinny before, Shannon has never been skinny. Ever.
• Shannon returns to the ranch where she and Helen promptly fall below the yellow line
• Helen votes to send her own daughter home, so Helen can stay on the show. After all, Shannon has already done the time at home, so she’ll be fine
• Shannon shows up at the finale, looking better, but is decidedly still chubby
• Helen cries every episode about how: “she can do it!” and “I need to do this for me!” Please shut your face.

I would have loved to see what Shannon could have done on this show with more time with a trainer. Good thing Helen will look great with her skinny body and super ’80′s big hair. I give her 3 months to pack it all back on. Worst. Winner. Ever.

Look at me, everybody! I’m selfish AND super unhealthy and gaunt looking! Woo hoo!

Meanwhile…Shannon still looks like this. Thanks, Mom.

The Final Four Attempt to Rock it Out – AI Recap

I learned something very important this week. And that something is that there was no such thing as rock music after 1969. The ’70′s, 80′s, ’90′s and especially the current decade contain absolutely no semblance of rock. At. All. Somewhere my Warrant, Great White, Winger and Tesla cassette tapes are crying.

These feel neglected right now. The tapes. And probably the guy too.

I was excited for this week. Not only because I would finally get to see Adam in his true persona as the Avenging Angel of Rock Death, but because after suffering through weeks and weeks of crap-tastic themes like The Best of Rodgers & Hammerstein, Theme Songs from Television Sitcoms, and Turkish Polka Dances, it was time to finally get to the good stuff. Good old fashioned American rock music. And with Slash as the guest mentor, you just had to know that one of the kids was going to die from a heroin overdose before the week was over. I was really rooting for Danny and his “heart fingers.” But oh well.

But on to the Rock!

Adam started things off, by singing a Led Zeppelin song, “Whole Lotta Love.” And in case you didn’t hear it one of the 79 times that Ryan and Adam mentioned it, it was the first time that Led Zeppelin has allowed their songs to be sung on this show. And they let Adam sing it.   Dude, John Bonham is probably pissed somewhere in his alcohol and cocaine soaked grave. What’s next, a Zeppelin song in a major car commercial? Oh…

it’s great to see Adam breaking down all sorts of barriers. His totally cute boyfriend is probably so proud. First Led Zeppelin song on American Idol. First really creepy guy caked in makeup to get straight chicks and grandmas alike to vote for him. First openly gay dude to win the title of American Idol. Fantasia does not count, as I am pretty sure that she’s a woman.

I must admit that Adam did an OK job with this selection. For him. Which is kind of like saying that the escargot I just had for dinner was pretty good. You know, as snails go, they were pretty good. And as Adam and his tongue goes, it was pretty good. I liked the part where he was coming out all angry and cyborg-ish, like he was going to SHOW ME just what a rocker he IS. It’s not enough that he was totally wearing rock bell bottoms and a shirt open to his pelvis, but he’s got to try to scowl at me the whole time too? Let me get his numbers into my speed dial machine quickly, because this guy sure ACTS like he belongs in the top. Or he wants to murder me. And I don’t want him to back me into a corner and try to screech me into submission. Look people, I try. I try to understand what has captured America about Adam. Is it that the judges keep saying how amazing he is, so everyone else HAS to agree, or is it because they like being screamed at when actually singing the notes would do just fine, or do they like the way that Adam snarls and preens around the stage like a really ferocious peacock in leather pants? I can’t figure out what it is, but all I know is that when “Various Screams, Grunts and Screeches” comes out by Adam Lambert on 19 Records, I can’t WAIT to see the sales figures! They are bound to be super impressive.

Cyborgs are scary.

So of course the judges got all reverent when they were talking about Adam, Kara called him a Rock God and Paula said something but I couldn’t hear it because of all the drool that spilled down the front of her dress. Randy said something that sounded like, ‘Yo, dude, shmtnltking, kltjssknign, lskdjfldkj, yeah!!!!” and Simon put his cigarette lighter in his pants pocket long enough for him to actually clap his hands. The Emperor has no clothes people! He’s freaking naked and I’m the ONLY one that can see it! You’ll see when those evil tailors are leaving town with all of our gold! Then, you’ll all listen to me!! Adam sucks SOOO much.

Sidebar: Why the junk did Adam NOT sing “Sweet Child o’ Mine”??? He’s been stealing from Axl Rose for the past twelve weeks and then when he finally gets a chance to pay homage to his teacher, he doesn’t do it? He does Robert Plant instead? I’m thoroughly disappointed. Although, the more I think about it, I’m sure that Axl would not give the approval for his song to be sung by someone with different “sensibilities.” I recall the lyrics to “One in a Million” and Axl does not enjoy peeps that are “different.” Although pretty much everyone is different from Axl. Any forty five year-old-man with cornrows and the skin stretched on his face so tight that you could jump on it is decidedly different.

Allison
Allison was next, and she did a good job with the source material. I mean, Janis Joplin is great and all as far as dead musicians go. She’s better than Mama Cass. But I think if Allison had attempted something from the last twenty years, she could have transported us to a magical place. I thought she did great, as she always does, and with Adam’s hairstylist designing her locks, she looks a little more current and a little less fuchsia-y. My eyeballs thank you. Why do the judges not get the greatness that is Allison? They don’t understand that this girl can sing a monkey out of a tree, and that she is so consistent she could be FedEx? This has been one of the most super frustrating seasons in recent memory. Everyone is fawning over a cyborg, and the no one wants to save the little doe that is stuck in a fence that can sing her jowls off. I feel like Adam’s dad must feel.

Allison and her new hair endure no love from the judges. Again.

Kris Allen
Kris taught me this week that the Beatles are rock. I really had no idea. But apparently they are. There are two things that I am proud of in life.

1. I have never killed a hitchhiking drifter
2. I have never enjoyed the Beatles

I know that some of you can’t believe number 2 there, but I just don’t get what the freaking big deal is. Good for you, Beatles. You appeared on the “Ed Sullivan Show” and you all had the same haircut, and before you came out, people like Chubby Checker were considered music, but come on. I hate the reverence afforded the Beatles and their “master collection” of forty seven albums, of which, only three are actually good. Kris was dead set on singing a Beatles song, and if they weren’t considered the absolute ultimate group ever, Kris might have fared better with our friends the judges. I thought what he did with “Come Together” was pretty solid. He changed it up nicely and made a song that everyone has heard fifty kabillion times, enjoyable. But the way that the judges skewered him afterwards, both he and I were convinced that he was a goner this week. But apparently the Kris has more peoples in his corner than we suspected. I mean, look at those cheekbones. My grandma would want to make soup of them they are so cute!

Still Alive!

Danny Gokey
Danny himself admits that this is not his kind of music. He enjoys things that are more gospel, where he can point at me with his whole hand and look earnest as he’s singing softly to the camera. Or something with a banjo and a jug. Picking Aerosmith’s “Dream On” was one of the dumbest decisions ever. Not only is the song like 11 minutes long, but it ends with the kind of note that only Steven Tyler or Adam Lambert and his tongue can hit. I know that the Goke has been feeling some pressure to be just like Adam, but you ain’t Adam, bro. You like chicks and can only scream in two octaves. Not eighteen. So thanks for performing in a vest and a button down shirt, but this is ROCK night, son. Break out your top hat and leather chaps! Again, after filing this kind of performance with a song this far out of his realm, he should have been sent packing. But I can’t BELIEVE he’s got this many fans. How many times is Jamar Rogers dialing for his dude?  His fingers must be bleeding.

However, I do enjoy the candor of our guest mentor, Slash. You could tell that he and his curly locks did not like Danny, not even a little bit. In fact, he probably encouraged him to sing this song because he knew it was going to be atroshe. You go, Slash.

Submit, song! Tap out! I will break you!

Results and Random Musings

• WAAAAYYY too early for Allison to go home. I had prognosticated that she would be the dark horse candidate to win. Win! I miss her and her good voice already. The fact that she is now gone and the Goke is still smugly sitting on the couches kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
• Why does Adam have to scowl when he sings, “Woman… you need…Love!!!!” Was it that hard for him to sing about a woman, that he had to go to a deep dark, place where only Terminators and SKYNET roam? He’s SUCH a good actor.
• Having them sing duets was a nice touch. However, having the judges comment on them at seemingly the last minute was horrendously stupid. “Er…I really liked the way you were holding the microphone and pretending to enjoy singing with the Goke, Kris. I give you three out of five stars.” What was this? And they made them sing this crapfest BEFORE their actual songs that could get them eliminated? You could see how nervous Kris was because he was probably trying to remember the words to his actual song.
• I really loved seeing how crazy Kris’ family got when they found out he had made it to the Top 3. I enjoy seeing actual joy.
• Paula Abdul needs to stop trying to have a music career. She is a horrible lip syncher, and her patented choreography looks like it jumped off straight from 1987. And it’s just mean to make all of those gay dudes dance with her and pretend to like her. Mean.
• My DVR cut it off because stupid No Doubt took so long, but Ryan said that he’d be playing Allison on the radio one day. I concur, RyRy! That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said all night!

Rat Pack Jazz Standards – AI Top 5!

Well I was right. Devoting a night to jazz standards from the Rat Pack equates to a virtual snooze-fest. Sure, every one of the kids sang their little hearts out, and it is going to be a dogfight to the already pre-determined conclusion from this point forward, (now that we’ve gotten rid of the roadkill that was Lil and sadly, Anoop.) But man, several times I had to kick myself awake while watching this edition of the show. Jazz standards are fine and all, and everyone gets to dress up all nice, even Paula decided to wrap herself up like a present (albeit a present that NO ONE wants to open. Except maybe Randy. He’s so checked out I think he’d go for just about anything right now. A really big baked potato. A Journey reunion tour. Paula. Anything.)

Let’s be honest. You’re all boring.

And I must talk about Jamie Foxx for a moment. It’s OBVIOUS they’re really stretching for mentors this year. In fact, I’m a little bit surprised that we haven’t seen Susan Boyle show up yet to show the kids how to believe in themselves against impossible odds when no one thinks you can do it. Oh wait, maybe that’s next week. Although luckily we have been spared the creepiness of a Barry Manilow or an Andrew Lloyd Webber. Probably because Sir Webber would absolutely MAUL Adam on camera like a bear with a ham sandwich. All of his critiques would include the phrase, “Adam, I didn’t hear a thing you just sang as I was too busy gazing into your brilliantly beautiful eyes. Could you sing closer to my face please? Almost as if we were kissing? That will really help me to grasp the “meaning” of this song. By the way, I’ve been knighted. I’m kind of a big deal.” And nobody wants to see that. Nobody. So when I heard this week’s mentor was going to be Jamie Foxx, not only was I as surprised as the kidlets were (cue the Goke with his jaw dropping open as he exclaims “Oh my goodness, it is not a dead guy that will be mentoring us this week. It is a famous actor slash musician. I will continue smiling smugly”) it looked like they were really stretching yet again. Sure, the dude has a recording career, but are we just going to get more Tarantino levels of mentor-ism? (Example: “Ok, this time try it with your hands IN your pockets. That’s right. In your pockets. Ok, now this time let’s do it all pouty. Ok, take 7!”) But no, friends. The answer is “No.” Apparently Jamie actually knows what he’s talking about, and he was able to coax great performances out of all of the kids. I enjoyed what Jamie done brung to the table. He should mentor every week. Not perform with his Vocoder every week. But mentoring is fine.

Jamie Foxx. Quality mentor. Impressive hairline. No one is going to see your new movie.

Danny Gokey
If I’m picking a winner for this week, as I like to do, I might just have to give it to the Goke. For contractual purposes, I cannot give it to Adam, because he’s way too scary. But GrandMaster Foxx was able to bring out one of the best performances from the smug little mouth of Danny Gokey. I was sitting up front on the Gokey Love Train in the beginning of the season, but for the past three or four weeks, I’ve gotten off at Detestation Station. He brings nothing new and inventive to his performances and he hasn’t put me on my butt with a “wow” since making it to the Top 13 as Kris and Allison both have several times. But this was Danny’s best performance since Hollywood Week. Maybe it’s all that time he’s spent “meditating” about it and “studying other unnamed people’s performances.” If Kara is right and Danny would excel at making an album full of standards, there ain’t no way he’s winning this thing. The seven people that would buy such an album are the same ones that were excited to see Taylor Hicks on the results show. And that one rest home in Texas can’t all drive to Kmart together to buy his album. They’d have to go in shifts.

Don’t make the Goke…Angry!

Adam Lambert
If I’m being honest, Adam was probably the runner up on the show this week. But first a bone to pick. I get that Adam is being pushed on us almost as aggressively as being “green.” “Green It. Mean It” Shut. Up. Already. But for crying out loud, how many times does this dude get the diva treatment and get to close the show? By my scientific count it was four. Four! Out of like 8 Top episodes so far. They couldn’t let Kris Allen finish things off tonight in his suit? Or bathe Allison in some attractive lighting as she struts down the ThunderStairs like a peacock? Adam, I guess your song was good, but I just don’t get your whole thing. You are glitter and spangles and I am corduroy and denim. You are the Pontiac Aztek and I am the Honda Accord. You are the zebra at the zoo. At your core, you’re a friggin’ horse. With stripes. I guess everybody likes zebras. But right now, I don’t get the zebra. I’ve also heard that Andrew Lloyd Webber would like to make you the Phantom in his at-home production. You should PURSUE that! Oh. And also, whenever you sing your last note and you have to stick out your tongue to get there, it’s really kind of gross.

Jazz hands, y’all!

Allison StillBringin’theHeta
Allison is so great when she’s singing and not so much when she’s talking. In fact, the 12 seconds she took to answer Simon’s question about whether she could win was all it took for Simon for banish her to a third or fourth place finish on the show. Fortunately, her take on “Someone to Watch Over Me” was great and it really looked like she had “connected emotionally” to the song, which this year is just as important as putting your own funky arrangements onto the songs you sing. And I’m assuming that emotional connection because she was kind of misty eyed. Maybe she got some eyeliner in her eye, but it seemed like she took the Foxx’s advice and was thinking about all of the boys that she couldn’t love yet because she was too young. For me for you, it just worked.

Kris Allen
Kris started off the show and even though he has quickly become one of my favorites, his “The Way You Look Tonight” would have been perfect background music for sleepwalking or curing insomnia. Didn’t the Rat Pack ever sing any upbeat tunes? Didn’t Sinatra sometimes snap his fingers in 3/4 time and say to his band “Let’s pep it up, fellas”? Because it seems all we heard tonight were some treacly ballads that would do great in my friendly neighborhood elevator. And is it just me, or is Kris’s wife getting just a touch cuter? As if she has her own stylist? Or maybe the fear of losing her husband to a groupie is encouraging her to step her game up? Why do I feel like she’s going to show up to the finale with plastic surgery and a spray-on tan? I’m going to be watching you kids closely. I’m keeping a close eye on Daughtry and his wife and I’ll add you to the list. Once you go all Hollywood, it’s hard to go back. Just ask Pete Wentz. He used to be a normal dude that would have made fun of Ashlee Simpson. Now he has a kid named Mowgli with her. It can happen that fast Mrs. Allen! Beware!

Don’t get surgery, honey.

Matt Giraud
I’ve finally figured it out. First of all, the fedora was totally appropriate for this week, and I see now that he wears it all the time to take attention away from the huge headlight in the middle of his forehead. I say, embrace that mole. Display it proudly. I did like how Matt pretty much nailed “My Funny Valentine” in rehearsal and then Jamie Foxx decided to add some actual “mentorship” and tell him to change the key. Which sounded ok on the big notes, but the low notes sounded all weird and wonky. That, and the fedora for what seems like the fourth week in a row, can’t spell success here.

Matt and his fedora ride off into the sunset

The Results
So after watching the kids actually sing (!) their group performance that was NOT choreographed by Paula this week, it was time to discover the bottom three. And apparently the world was rocked with a Bottom Three of Matt, Kris and what? No? It can’t be! No, no, no, no, no, no, Armageddon is upon us, Adam Lambert!!! With Danny and Allison the only ones that are safe this week, we were subjected to shocked looks from Randy and Kara, small children crying in the audience, and someone punching puppies WAY in the back of the audience. That’s how distraught everyone was. Distraught! Glam Stoker can NOT be in the Bottom Three! Most Glamourous Three–yes! Bottom of anything–no! Luckily, I’ve been watching this show since it’s inception and I know what’s going on here. First of all, people that were voting for Anoop and Lil HATE Adam. So they voted for Allison. Secondly, the producers are now realizing that it would be weird to have Danny and his little heart thing that he makes with his hands in the finals, so they are trying to incite Adam’s voters to not be complacent and dial like little monkeys for their little emo doll for the rest of the season. I’m predicting 62 million votes next week, and 96% of them will be for Adam.

Matt was shown the door for something like the 16th time, and I thought I caught a glimpse of Kara trying to convince Simon to keep him on the show and Simon telling her “We’ve already done that” and then Kara slowly sinking to the floor as she realized that her soulful plaything for this season was actually going away. For good. Until that magical, life changing tour! Good bye Matt. You are a quality entertainer and a good singer. I think you’ll be better off away from this show quite honestly. If nothing else, you and Jamie Foxx can hang out after the show, and maybe go hat shopping together. Now THAT I would like to see.