Catch the Dorktrain to Nerdtown!

My friend was proposing this theory recently, and I have to say that I wholeheartedly agree. Prince HAS to be an alien. Mostly for the following well thought out reasons:

Have you ever seen any childhood pictures of Prince? Yeah me either. Because they don’t exist!!!!

One of the first known photos of Prince. Notice he is not a child here. Or much of an athlete.

Any idea what “flavor” Prince is? Me either, but I’m thinking Uranusian.

Just WHERE is this man from?

Have you seen just how talented Mr. Prince is at the guitar? Yes, he is otherworldly good. The kind of good that can only come from being transported here from an alien world where they practice the guitar a lot more.

Remember that crazy time in the ’90’s when he changed his name to a symbol? I’m sure it was a symbol from an ancient Egyptian/Alien culture that symbolizes androgyny, smallness of stature and an affinity for drum machines.

His alien symbol on full display

In addition, he’s been very active with the ladies, even though he’s only 5′ 2″, wears high heeled boots, puffy shirts and a razor thin mustache. Totally an alien plot to hypnotize Earthly women with the power of synthesizers and drum machines and then impregnate all of them! There’s no other way he could have bagged Sheena Easton in her prime. None.

Off to make another alien/ human hybrid

Finally, the dude NEVER ages. Ever. He first emerged on the scene in 1970-something, yet has seemingly not aged even a day. If he didn’t change his fashions or straighten his long locks, you would NEVER be able to tell. Ever.

Then

Now

I’m telling you right now, “Little Red Corvette” is not some thinly veiled sex anthem. Oh no, it’s a tribute to the mother ship that deposited him here on Earth. He was probably expecting to be returned in “1999″ and is now patiently waiting for his alien brethren to attack us in a hail of “Purple Rain.”

I have it all figured out!

While traipsing about on the Interwebs, I have discovered a few things that have made my mouth agog that I would like to share. For example this:

As the official Dorktrain Apprentice™ I am in love with all things Apple, but this video of Apple’s co-founder Steve Wozniak makes me question every dollar I have thrown their way! I love my Mac and the way it makes up for me being less than technologically savvy, not to mention iTunes, Garageband, and especially my 80 GB video iPod. Eat it, Bill Gates. But after watching that video I’m beginning to wonder if a 7-11 donut has a longer shelf life than the Apple products previously listed. I’m not even talking about the fact that it seems as though the Woz is at times inexplicably wearing 2 watches, a pink button up shirt fresh from the “business end” of Chinese worms, has his wife cut his hair with a spoon and needs a “manssierre” more than Phil Mickelson. But what the H? BLACK SOCKS with shorts?! In addition, homeboy is worth more than the country of Australia. Could you pay a neighborhood kid six bucks an hour to tell you what to wear? Or convince your daughter to go shopping FOR you? If anything, this video clearly proves that birth control shouldn’t have anything to do with prescriptions or pharmacies. Just give out black socks and shorts at all of those innercity clinics! That’s what will save these kids from unwanted pregnancies! The Woz knows! If I could do it all over again I would have worn Black Socks on my wedding night and adamantly requested my wife to do the same to test the waters of this theory.

A close relative of the black soxer, the sandal soxer in Europe. Thanks for letting those toes breathe, buddy.

(Tim Gunn is openly weeping and trying to choke himself on cheap polyester right now.)

Speaking of the English, were you wondering what the greatest thing “from across the pond” since the pumpkin pie haircutted Beatles or Radiohead actually is? Simply put, it’s “The Office” in the original UK version. David Brent is a freaking genius and Garreth can out-Dwight Dwight any day of the week.

I hope I am not casting my pearls before swine in telling you that I put it right up there with the likes of Seinfeld, Band of Brothers, Sports Center, SNL, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, The Chapelle Show, Mystery Science Theater 3000, and Macgyver. That’s right. It’s a freaking classic! I refuse to watch the American version of the office. It would be like choosing to watch the WNBA over the NBA. Does it lessen my pop culture street cred and destroy my entire argument when I tell you that I have yet to watch a single episode of Arrested Development or even 30 Rock? Yes, probably.

Here is one of my Top 25 Favorite Videos of All Timez

The questions that I would like answered include: at exactly what location on the back of his head or neck do you think he starts his Grand Canyon-esque hair part/ comb over?? And I can never wait to see what the price is going to be? Just tell me, Ron! Tell me! I can’t handle the suspense!!! Also, how has that video NOT gotten one million hits yet, but this atrocity has:

I demand an answer!

Lastly, if you are like me and have been up late watching infomercials and have seen one about an amazing orange towel made in Germany and promoted by a twitchy guy with a serious cigarette dependency and have said to yourself “That towel seems so ultra absorbent, I wonder if it can soak up the blood of a dead hooker or even a living one for that matter?” Well wonder no more! www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0327092sham1.html This man will stop at nothing to prove how superior his product is. I wonder if he has taken the liberty in much the same way to see if the ShamWow can lift finger prints off of a small concealable hand gun and or crack pipe while evading the heavy pursuit of local authorities at high speeds? Is it just me or do you also find it strange this well dressed gentleman can’t find a date without paying? Is he or is he not wearing a hospital gown top with a black fur coat over it in his mug shot?

However, this always makes me dance.

P.S. Say what you want but, If my real name was Vince Shlomi I honestly think I’d want to be known simply as the ShamWow guy instead too.

Love,

The Dorktrain Apprentice