Filed under: Movies
I went into this film a little skeptical and with very low expectations. Like, Transformers 2 low expectations. Luckily, I was pleasantly surprised. I was able to figure out early on that this film was built with the 12-year old boy in mind. So when I was able to channel my own inner 12-year old boy, (we’ll call him Johnny) my eyes were opened to the sheer beauty and artistry of this work. Here’s why.
Guns! Planes! ‘Splosions! For anyone who watched these cartoons in the ’80’s, they were all about cool weaponry and even cooler vehicles and planes. This movie is chock full of guns I would like to shoot, planes I would like to fly and underwater bases that I would like to live in. James Bond officially sucks compared to this movie.
Delta-6 Accelerator Suits. In a word awesome. The scene where Duke and Ripcord adorn themselves in these accelerator suits and chase down the Baroness through the streets of Paris was clearly one of the best scenes in the entire movie. Sure, the Baroness was in a Hummer, and the Joe’s could have simply driven one of their cool cars through the streets to chase them down, but then we would have missed out on some severe awesome. And anytime anything can lay waste to the city of Paris, I would certainly like to see more of that.
Ninja on Ninja Fights. Ray Park either needs to fire his agent or get a voice transplant. Yet again, the martial arts master is in a role where he is required not to speak. Ever. It’s got to be a blow to the ol’ self-esteem when you can play somebody as hardcore as Darth Maul, yet your voice is so horrible they now require the character not to speak. That said, the dude can lay it down when it comes to the martial art-ery. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow go toe to toe and they even throw in a nice little backstory to explain the origins. Not that anyone cares, because all you really want to see is clanking swords, spin kicks and limbs being severed.
Sienna Miller Kicking Trash. Not only is she actually better looking as a brunette, but as the Baroness, she destroys everything in her path, especially her old fiancee. I would have appreciated just a little bit of back story as to why she became so hardcore in the four years she was gone, because she was just cold as ice. Even Foreigner thinks so. But she did bring some un-Sienna Miller-like intesity to her role. Either that, or she was imagining kicking Jude Law in the face every time she engaged in a fight scene. And in the race between who has the coolest weapons, she totally wins.
Horrible Special Effects. For a $200 million dollar movie, you can tell that they spent all of the money on sewing cool costumes, getting Brendan Fraser to cameo and constructing sets, instead of on the effects or the script. Both were absolutely horrible. In fact, there was one scene where I thought I was watching a tinfoil spaceship on wires enter a desert cave made out of cardboard and macaroni noodles. It looked that bad. To their credit, SOME of the effects were cool, and there was lots of stuff that blew up, but for the love, if Shrek can look real, then you can do much better.
Yeah. They pretty much looked like this.
Dennis Quaid. For the record, ever since he peaked in ‘Innerspace’, Dennis Quaid is pretty much the kiss of death for any movie. Luckily, he doesn’t have to speak too much here and he looks surprisingly sharp in a beret. Yet still, his “acting” consists of barking his lines. It’s cute for the first two minutes or so.
A Script I Could Have Written. Some gems, (say all of these lines while yelling)
The Baroness: [Snake Eyes has left their car] He must have given up.
Storm Shadow: He never gives up.
Duke: Technically, we don’t exist. We answer to no one. And when all else fails, we don’t.
[points a gun at a woman in an elevator]
The Baroness: Get out! GET OUT!
[woman runs out, Baroness gets in, as the elevator doors close:]
The Baroness: Nice shoes.
YES! Just try NOT to get pumped up while hearing stuff like this! It kind of makes you want to jump into a RavenStryke and kick some Cobra butt, doesn’t it?
Stunts. Stunts. And More Stunts.
Nanomites. What more is there to say, then Nanomites? Seriously.
People That Actually Die. It always bothered me in the cartoon when an airplane would be shot down, or when a tank would explode, the pilot or driver would ALWAYS parachute to safety, or scramble out of the tank before it actually blew up. Come on! Let’s see some death and carnage in here! Luckily, the movie delivers on this count. Johnny is pleased.
To Sum Up: go see this film before the theaters are too crowded with movie critics and audiences alike waiting to heap praise upon it. It’s a good thing they expanded the Best Picture category to now include 10 films, as this movie is a mortal friggin’ lock.
To begin: I am not old and crusty. I think Shia Labeouf is as funny onscreen as his name is to say. I know that Megan Fox, even though she has some oddly mishapen Hobbit thumbs, is hot like a radiation burn and looks much like a unicorn would on screen as she is so unnaturally attractive. Also, I could watch transforming robots pound each other into sweet oblivion all day long. But after viewing Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo, I was left oddly cold and dead inside. Kind of similar to Ms. Fox’s gaze, acting style and affinity for Brian Austin Green. Yes, as of today, T2: ROTF has grossed more than $600 billion worldwide, but come on people, this movie blows more than a football stadium full of cocaine in a swirling wind storm!
I know that every American has already seen it, sometimes twice, and that is why I’m not worried about spoiling anything, but here is why it should disappear faster than the crap fiesta that was “AI: Artificial Intelligence” otherwise known as, the real reason Stanley Kubrick died.
Splosions! Running! This is the movie!
Um…Story?
I realize that a story in a movie like this is just a speedbump on the way to action sequences and eye candy, but come on! At least get something a little less convoluted and dumb.
Here is my attempt at a synopsis. Please buckle in: a fragment of the AllSpark remains (‘member that?) and it causes Sam Witwikie to see symbols and visions that will lead him to a new source of energy that the Decepticons can use to resurrect Megatron at the bottom of the ocean. Don’t worry, we never learn what happens to his visions or symbols later on. They just kind of go away. The bad robots steal the fragment, reanimate Megatron and he then gets all revengeful and takes on Optimus Prime, effectively, like killing him and stuff. We have no time to mourn, as Sam is also beginning college and leaving his girlfriend so she can work in her motorcycle shop where her job consists of laying on motorcycles and talking to Sam on the computer and phone.
Meanwhile, at his college which has more hot girls per capita than any university known to man, even UCLA, Sam is finally convinced to join the battle against the Decepticons, because shockingly enough, he is more important than even he knows. Dude, this is heavy. Stuff blows up, really big Transformers Transform, the SR-71 Blackbird is proven to be a really old Transformer who transports everyone to Egypt auto-magically where the ancient pyramids hide a weapon that will steal the energy of the sun to power the Decepticon family. Wait a minute…could that same power be somehow harnessed to bring Optimus back to life? Yes! Let’s try it! Also, Optimus has some Prime brothers, and they’re all dead, expecpt for one, The Fallen, (do you see the connection in the title now??) and he’s super pissed and trying to kill everyone on Earth. You know, by stealing the sun.
To lighten things up, we have scenes of dog-on-dog action and references to robot undercarriages. Both about as hilarious as eczema. Sam’s Mom and Dad show up literally EVERYWHERE, and poor Tyrese is left to hang around and wait for his chance to say “Make it rain.” Again. Adam “Pacman” Jones is pleased.
After all this, I still have no idea what really happened in this movie. But an army of fifth graders equipped only with their favorite Bionicle and a thousand tiny typewriters could have come up with a less crappy, convoluted script.
This weird looking thing is all part of the story. Don’t worry.
Changing the Rules, All of a Sudden.
I’m referring to two parts here. The first, where Sam is seduced by weird looking random college hottie, who we learn is a robot (what???) with a killer tail tucked under her micro-mini. Where does she put it all? This goes against all the previous Transformers mythology as instead of this particular Decepticon transforming into a helicopter or a submarine or something equally useful and evil, instead she transforms into a hot human? This makes no sense. If Transformers was going to become Terminator, why don’t they just have ALL of the robots become large humans and they can bench press the human race out of existence? Why even switch to cars and planes and junk? Oh right, because again, that would be the Terminator. Way to switch things up on us halfway through.
Don’t worry everyone. She’s really a robot. Paging John Connor
Also, when the most useless character ever, the SR-71 BlackBird JetFire, is reanimated by Energon or the fragment or by an old peanut butter sandwich, I can’t remember which, he then decides to take everyone with him to Egypt. By teleporting them there. Sure, let’s introduce this concept now, because I’m sure a Blackbird couldn’t fly there in about three hours from wherever this movie is supposed to take place. Instead we learn that Transformers can teleport not only themselves but others with them. Sure, let’s go ahead and change the rules now. If this was the case, why don’t the Transformers simply teleport out of danger? Why didn’t Optimus teleport himself and Sammy out of the forest right before he got shanked? Can only really old Transformers with the optional cane attachment do such tricks with time and space?
Stupid.
Also, when the big bad robot at the end went all Voltron and started assembling huge body parts from other vehicles and attaching them onto one enormogous robot that for some reason only really was sucking sand, he STILL had trouble scaling the pyramid. I’m thinking if you’re Voltron, can’t you just leap to the top of the pyramid with ease? Why do you have to use your cable attachment to climb up there? You are weak.
This dumb robot is weak.
Random, Stupid Robots
I’m referring again to Jetfire who decides to sacrifice himself at the end and give his cool spy plane parts to Optimus Prime for the climactic battle. Which was kind of cool, until Optimus decided to shed those extra parts after winning. (Well of course, we gots to have a sequel.) Thanks for giving your life, Blackbird, it was totally worth it.
I’m also referring to the worst characters ever, Mudflap and Skidplate or whatever their names are. Forget the blatant racism or stereotypicality in their depiction, I’m more offended that two of the ugliest cars in the world were featured so prominently. You’ve got a brand new Camaro and some other sweet cars and trucks, and all we get to see are these small Euro-trash piles of dung supplied by Chevy?
P.S. the AutoBots that are just motorcycles? Dumb idea. They look about as scary as a sleeping poodle.
Totally not scary.
Jon Turtorro. Again.
Why does this man still have a SAG card?
Yes. He’s in it again.
Bumblebee STILL Can’t Talk?
With all the advancements in technology, you know, giant robots becoming other things like cars or airplanes, you’d think they’d have a spare moment to tinker with his freaking voice processor! Even Jar Jar Binks had more lines than this dude!
Still not talking.
Robot Undercarriages
I suppose this was funny? But if I wanted to see robot dong, I’m sure there’s an Internet site for that.
Humans That Just Won’t Die
I imagine that if I were to do battle with a large robot bent on my destruction, I probably wouldnt’ stand much of a chance. Especially if I had long flowing hair. I would have liked to see a few more soldiers and maybe the Witwickie parents get wacked, just to resonate emotionally and to remind me that hey, these robots are pretty dangerous, instead of seeing them almost kill people and think they’re just horribly inaccurate. I mean, Josh Duhamel really didn’t have that much to do, couldn’t we see him go down in a hail of bullets to some soaring music? Fergie would be proud.
Showing some range. And her large thumbs. And no. No one died in this scene. I wish.
Dorm Rooms the Size of Palaces
I love how there’s enough room in their two man dorm room, for an entire IT operations center, four website admins and more plasma screens than O’Hare. As I recall, dorm rooms have about enough room to shave and put your socks on, and certainly not at the same time.
Essentially, this all fit in their dorm room.
Movie Length
There was absolutely no reason for this movie to be any longer than 72 minutes. The fact that it’s over two and a half hours long is proof that Michael Bay has an ego the size of China or that we really did need to see 23 minutes of the Witwickie parents spanning the globe, and 7 minutes of dog humping.
Admittedly, there were about five places where I laughed out loud and some of the effects were legit. The rest of the time I was bored or confused or incredulous. Kind of like when I try to comprehend how Joan Rivers is still alive. Why hasn’t one of her lips exploded and killed her yet?
Filed under: Movies
Picking a few favorite flicks is like picking your favorite child. It’s a difficult task, but if someone puts a gun to your head and forces you to make a choice, you always say, “the middle one.” I started out listing all of my classics, and lo and behold, most of them came from the ’80’s. The golden age of cinema? Yes, probably. These movies represent films that I can experience over and over again. My gun-to-the-head classics if you will. ’80’s style. Part II with other decades will need to come later. If anyone cares. P.S. I reserve the right to change this list at any time. Ever.
The Karate Kid
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The ultimate battle of good vs. evil. This movie has everything. Geeky Daniel LaRusso from Reseda against the villainous Johnny. (How do you know he’s a villain? He’s a rich kid, has an epic wave of blond hair, a headband and wears a black karate ghi instead of the angelic white one that Daniel dons.) Treachery, revenge, the best Halloween costumes ever, catchphrases galore and Elisabeth Shue at her girl-next-door-hotness-peak. I never understood what she was doing with Daniel in the first place. Any movie that can instill such joy in hearing “Yeah, get him a body bag, Johnny” has got to be a good one.
Rocky III
Not 2, or even 1, and certainly not 4. The best Rocky movie ever was Rocky III. Hands down. You have a wealthy heavyweight champion Rocky being beat down by Mr. T at his muscle rippling finest as Mickey dies (about time! If only Paulie would be next!) Then depression sets in as he looks at his legacy in Philadelphia, and then finally Apollo Creed pulling Rocky up by his bootstraps and training him to beat the snot out of Clubber Lang. And not only does Clubber come on to Rocky’s wife (equals dead man), but he seems to be unbeatable. This movie also introduced the world to “Eye of the Tiger.” Still one of the best songs ever made that can get any person ready for anything. If I’m ever on death row about to be executed, I will request they play this as I walk down the Green Mile. No question.
Quicksilver
No one ever saw this movie but me, but this instilled in me the legendary career path of being a bike messenger in New York City. After Kevin Bacon loses all of his mom’s money on the stock market, he becomes a bicycle messenger and enters a life of extreme happiness. He lives in a super cool loft apartment, he can do tricks on his ten speed, he gets really long Kevin Bacon-y hair, and a sweet race scene down the hills of San Francisco against Laurence Fishburne, even bike dancing! A picture does not do this one justice. Also, I purchased the soundtrack to this movie on cassette tape. It was that amazing.
The Untouchables
Brian DePalma. Kevin Costner before he made “Water World.” Sean Connery talking about “the Chicago Way,” Fat DeNiro playing Al Capone all rolled into one immense pool of awesomeness. This was also the first R-rated movie my parents allowed me to see, so I felt as if I was watching my first grown up film. Also, the scene with the baby carriage is one of the best of any film. Ever.
Warning: This clip does contain an F-Dizzle and splattered blood. Still awesome.
Footloose
Yes, this kind of goes without saying. A small town that has banned dancing. A hip urbanite transplanted from the city with hair like a rooster. One of the best soundtracks since, well…ever. There is a time to dance. This is a movie I could watch forever, especially since it is super cheesy, and if you don’t like it, you’re probably a Communist.
Enemy Mine
My love of scifi probably started around the time this gem came out. You’ve got Dennis Quaid trapped on a strange alien planet. Louis Gosset Jr. playing a strange alien living on that planet in a costume that almost looks real. A sacred book. Dennis Quaid’s fake looking beard. An alien baby. Sadness ensues. I don’t care what you say, this movie is amazing.
Can’t Buy Me Love
Absolutely stupid, but in junior high, this represented everything that high school was going to be. No wonder I was freaking out about it. A dude named Ronald becomes suddenly cool because he gives the head cheerleader $1000 dollars to be his “girlfriend.” Isn’t it a wonder that Ronald becomes cool, ditches his nerd friends and completely changes? There’s some social commentary in there somewhere, but I was too busy wanting to be Ronald to her Cindy Mancini. If you know what I mean. Clearly McDreamy’s best work.
The Last Dragon
If you haven’t had the opportunity to see this movie, well you’re really not missing out on much. Even trying to synopsize what this movie is all about is difficult to do. A kung fu student tries to find his master that can teach him the art of something called the “glow”. Meanwhile you have someone named the Shogun of Harlem (“Sho’ Nuff”) and his minions trying to beat him up. And THEN, he’s got to resuce a beautiful singer from an evil music producer. And oh yeah, Berry Gordy produced the whole thing. Incredibly lame, but I defy anyone who cannot appreciate the cheesy aftertaste this move leaves in your gaping maw.
Ladyhawke
I still can’t tell you what this movie is about, but I saw it about eleventeen times. I think the lady turns into a hawk or something like that. Epic. Sweeping. Matthew Broderick.
Superman II
Simply put, the best Superman movie ever. Three villains captured in a plate of glass careening through space, escape and land on Earth. Only Superman can beat them. I’m convinced that these movies would have been so much better if Margot Kidder didn’t look so out of place. Let’s see, I’m Superman, I can basically have any woman in the human world that I want, and Margot Kidder is the one that catches my eye? Forget kryptonite, I’m thinking poor taste in women was really Superman’s downfall.
The Abyss
This movie is amazing. With the exception of the last six minutes, it’s fraught with drama, suspense and I dare you to watch it for the first time and not wonder just what is going to happen next. Also the fact that Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio almost died making this, and that it looks like they really breathed water during the scene where they’re trying to breathe oxygenated water, makes it even cooler.
My Bodyguard
Matt Dillon has never been more frightening. Classical tale of a bully FINALLY getting his after picking on the wrong kid. And his newly acquired bodyguard. Because of this movie, I refused to use the bathroom my entire 7th grade year.
Movies are awesome.
Filed under: Movies
So I was totally pumped for Terminator: Salvation. Not only because the Terminator franchise is awesome (with the exception of T3: Here Comes the Suckage) but because ever since Reign of Fire, Christian Bale has been THE man. The Prestige, amazing. 3:10 to Yuma, even amazing-er. And don’t even get me started on just how rawk the Batman franchise is now with CB and Christopher Nolan telling him where to stand.
So you combine Christian Bale and a franchise in desperate need of some “cool” resuscitation with a director (McG shockingly enough) that looks like he actually has learned how to make movies since telling Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and that Asian one where to stand; you’ve got yourself a movie that I am excited to watch multiple times.
After my first viewing yes, the movie was sufficiently awesome, but after the first five minutes, I could have cared less that Christian Bale was even in it. Simply because every time Sam Worthington was on the screen as Marcus Banks, he straight up STOLE the scene from everyone else. I don’t know what the movie people call it, whether it’s charisma or stage presence or a little something called quality acting, but Worthington has the goods. If I was Kara DioGuardi right now (Can you imagine how weird THAT would be) I would say that he has “acting chops and is a ROCK god” or something equally cheesy. Because that’s what Kara does. She goes a little bit too far. And does it a little too loudly.
Now to be fair, he did suck at the American accent, and couldn’t manage to keep the Australian accent from seeping through at specific intervals, but I’m convinced this kid is going places. And after looking at his IMDB page, he’s only going to be in FOUR upcoming films including James Cameron’s Avatar and a Clash of the Titans remake (editors note: awesome) so you’ll need to get to know Sam Worthington. Soon. Just warning you.
Currently acting all over Anton Yelchin
Also, T:S introduced me to Moon Bloodgood. Not only does she have the best name of any actress pretty much ever but when I start up my own army to protect America from the upcoming Chinese invasion, she would be the first person I call. Mostly because her name is so scary. Also, I think it’s hilarious that in the movie she plays a character called Blair Williams. First of all, her REAL name is perfect for a Terminator movie, and they give her a character name that sounds like it came from “The Facts of Life.” Hilarious.
P.S. if you have not viewed the Terminator movie yet, you should. I’ll go with you.
Filed under: Movies
It is not often that there is one good movie at the multi-plex, much less two. However this Christmas break I had the opportunity to view two excellent films. Yes, films so good that I need to encourage others to see them. Granted, I’m sure all one of my reader has already seen both of these, but it’s worth repeatin’.
Valkyrie
From the days of Maverick and Goose there has been no better movie star than Tom Cruise. That is, until his feet were introduced to Oprah’s couch and he kept professing his love for his newly acquired alien, “Kate” Holmes. At that point he was dead to me. However in this film, Mr. Cruise does a good job of projecting some near human attributes. He caused me to pause several times, “You know, that Tom Cruise really isn’t that bad. I can almost believe that he is married. Look at him act like he likes his wife.” In addition, he’s also rocking a sick perm.
This movie was great. I know next to nothing about history, except that these events actually happened. I found that I was on the edge of my seat for most of the film, hoping against hope that they would get that small guy with the combover and the brush mustache. When it was over, I was literally shocked as I figured that only about 20 minutes had passed, and not the full two hours and 8 minutes of the movie’s actual duration. I was also emotionally exhausted and wondering where I could pick up a sweet uniform to wear all the time.
From there, I traipsed over to see:
Benjamin Button
Yes, he’s riding a scooter. Please, don’t ask. So I’m fully aware that the full title of this movie is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” however, I have taken to referring to this as simply “The Button Movie.” I was expecting this flick to be good as I am a David Fincher fan, but I remained impressed at just how good and thought provoking it actually was. I love movies that suck me in from the very beginning and this one did. Also, I have never been a huge fan of Cate Blanchett and her face, but I actually didn’t mind her in this one. Perhaps because she spent much of the movie with a CGI face on top of her real one, but her ordinary annoyingness that comes through in certain roles was remarkably absent. In addition, it made me contemplate things. This is difficult to do as I usually try never to think more than necessary, however it made me contemplate, what WOULD it actually be like to be aging backwards? At first, it sounds awesome, because your best years are in front of you, but when you get younger and younger and your mind is actually older and older, and everyone you know is getting older while you could go hang out at the skatepark if you wished, made me realize that it would be surprisingly non-enjoyable and most of all, lonely. Also, since no one reads this site, I don’t mind telling you either that tears were shed. And not just by the annoying old lady behind me. No, my own face sprung an actual leak during the presentation of the movie. About seven annoying times.
Deathmatch Winner: The Button movie by a thread. HA! I can gauge a movie’s goodness by what I think about it the next day. If it pervades my thoughts the next day, I know that I have witnessed a quality exposition. (For example after viewing “Return of the Jedi” for the first time, it was all I could think about in my 5th grade class. And except for the Ewoks, that remains one of my favorite in the trilogy. I never count the new ones as Star Wars movies. But I digress…) I loved the story, the look and feel and overall “ambience,” of the whole thing as well as the acting of all involved. It also made me want to get a little place on Lake Pontchartrain where I could sit in my robe and watch the sunrise in my bathrobe and slippers.
Conclusion: You should really see both of these, but if you only have $8.25, see the Button.
