Super Gr8.

So I saw this over the weekend, and I have to say that I was impressed. Perfect summer movie.

First of all, kudos to JJ Abrams for not giving away the entire story in the movie trailer. There are like three of us in this country that don’t like knowing every little detail about a movie before we show up for it. We don’t stalk movie spoiler sites and we actually like to be uh, surprised when stuff happens, as we slowly watch the story develop and unfold. Kind of like watching a tiny butterfly coming out of it’s cocoon for the first time without having to be told the color of it’s wings WEEKS in advance! Let’s just say it’s a shocking take on modern movie making and marketing.

So as not to give much away, here are the things that I really enjoyed about this movie.

• The best train crash scene that modern man has been able to capture on film. CGI? Real stuff? I don’t care. It looked and sounded amazing, and even though I saw some of this in the preview, holy crap, it was awesome to witness the entire scene
• This dude. Down here. On the right. The one that is not a blonde girl. This little man can flat out ACT. I felt empathy for him almost immediately, and I wanted him to be able to achieve all of his little 1979-era dreams. In fact, I’m STILL rooting for him and I saw this movie like four days ago. Do you think he’ll be my friend if I asked him?

• Coach Taylor. I don’t care that he plays the same character in pretty much everything, even keeping his Southern accent (and clearly this movie takes place in Ohio. Maybe he moved up from Texas or something when he was a teenager?) But I wouldn’t mind if Kyle Chandler was my own father. Tough, yet fair. Clear eyes, warm hearts, can’t lose. Or something like that.

• Best use of Ron Eldard since “ER”. And I’m pretty sure he, Margulies and Goose from “Top Gun” STILL regret leaving that show.

• Another Fanning, not Dakota. Why is this family so good at acting? They are frightening. Especially if you’ve ever seen Elle Fanning interviewed in real life. She is absolutely impossible to listen to and is clearly like, eleven years old. So why is she sooo good at pretending to be someone else? Man, if Elle Fanning were to marry Freddie Highmore or something, their babies would be able to produce an entire cornucopia of emotions-on-demand. Think about it, they would never even know if their crying baby was really in need of something, or if he was really just…acting. And they’d have to put all of his bottles on the craft services table, per the rider in his contract.
• That early ’80′s E.T. vibe that every movie critic and their mother is talking about. Yes, even down to the one foul-mouthed kid. It’s all there.
• The lighting. Subtle blue, eerie lights as foreshadowing that something wasn’t as it seemed. Awesome, and a nice effect.
• Not knowing just WHAT is going to happen next
• White Rubik’s cubes. I would want one. Or several. That’s all I’m saying.
• That skeevy Noah Emmerich. Does this man EVER play a non-skeevy character? I don’t care that you’re smiling sir. You are creepy.

To sum up, you should go see it. And that’s really all I’m going to say about it. So there.

I don’t need to see you to know that you’re going to suck

I’m talking to you…

So I am going to save my Cinemark movie passes and perhaps see something else that doesn’t involve:

• the most horrible looking special effects since “The Love Bug”
• Creepy Peter Sarsgaard with a large, bulbous head managing to look even more creepy
• Someone with the power to create ANYTHING from his magical ring. And so he conjures up a big green fist to punch people with. Really? A big green fist? You didn’t think of a big green origami duck to hurl at the evil doers first?

Even when a brunette Blake Lively cannot save what looks like a certain crapfest, I can see the vultures circling. Sorry Ryan. Maybe get to work on “The Proposal 2: Electric Boogaloo?”

Your Next Netflix Pick – “Victory”

Having not seen this movie since 1983 at my only friend’s house who actually had HBO, I was a little scared that it wouldn’t hold up. I mean, it’s got a lot going against it:

• Prisoner of war movie
• Sylvester Stallone as a “soccer player”
• Max von Sydow
• Pele’ actually attempting to act

I decided to give it a try given that the World Cup now begins today (!) and I happen to enjoy soccer and a good ’80′s movie anytime I can get them. I must say that I was not disappointed. Not in the least. Warning: if you attempt to watch this with a spouse who does not remember the ’80′s, has never seen a “Rocky” film and is lukewarm about soccer, you will be enjoying this by yourself as she peacefully sleeps on the couch.

What is awesome about this movie? It’s completely ridiculous first of all. That a prison camp commander would organize a soccer game between some Allied prisoners and the German NATIONAL team is laughable. It’s also hard to believe that any man can contain Sylvester Stallone in any prison. Clearly they have not seen “Rocky III.” Clubber Lang could give them a few tips. The addition of Pele as a soldier from Trinidad who just happens to be dominant with a soccer ball is especially choice. Kind of like if LeBron showed up in “Hoosiers” as a janitor that just happens to also make the Hickory High team. And anytime you can get a nice underdog theme going (Prisoners of war…against the NATIONAL team!) It’s always a good time.

Oh, and spoiler alert, but if I’m in my carefully constructed tunnel under the stadium on my way to freedom, I really DON’T think that I’m heading back, just because I’ve got a chance to win the game. I’m out of that tunnel and munching on a croissant on the streets of Paris in about 16 seconds.

Don’t let the movie art frighten you, give Victory a chance.

Clash of Utter Disappointment!

I was kind of excited for this movie, because as crappy as the 1981 original was, if you can slap some 2010 digital effects on there, add some 3-dimensional magic, toss in my man-crush Sam Worthington and you’ve got yourself an epic! Well…at least the popcorn was tasty.

Things That Sucked:

• 3-D Conversion. This will make a heap of money BECAUSE of the post-Avatar 3rd Dimension land grab Hollywood is currently entrenched in. (i.e. the only reason “Alice in Wonderland” made money.) But plan ahead, already. Shoot the dumb thing in 3D in the first place! When you can watch an entire 3D movie without your special glasses because the only thing they converted were a few items in the background, you’ve got yourself a problem. I wanted to hurl my disposable goggles in disgust, but that would have made the viewing experience a little too realistic for whoever I hit. Please see this in 2D.
• Liam Neeson’s hair. I didn’t know that Zeus played lead guitar in Stryper.
• The convoluted script that apparently took three people to write. Who are these three people and where can I find them to punch them?
• Liam again, just biding his time to say the three words we really care about “Release the Kraken!!!!!!!!!!” He was totally not into it until he could finally say this. The same could be said for me.
• Action scenes that looked better in stop-motion in 1981 than in beautiful CGI.
• The feeble attempt to make their journey on the River Styx romantic. What’s not romantic? Floating through dead bodies. The freaking Reaper as your driver. I don’t know…the fact you’re in the Underworld at all!
• The Desert People that looked like Jawas. Jawas were cool in 1983. Please don’t bring them back now. Especially since they talk funny.

Things That I Can Begrudgingly Admit Were Cool

• Gemma Atherton. Never before has she been attractive. Until this movie. Also, she is immortal. Even though she literally had nothing to do and was obviously thrown in to give the geeks something to look at, I can appreciate her for her Grecian good looks. Plus one.

• Ralph Fiennes. He’s really not afraid to go ugly. And Hades is mad ugly.

• the showdown with Medusa. This scene was actually pretty cool. And I felt honored that I could look into her eyes and not turn to stone. That was a nice perk.

• The dude that played Draco. Finally playing a character that we can like.

• The freaking Kraken! Awesome. Especially if you ever saw the original creature that looked like a latex glove with eyeballs glued on.

Original = not awesome

2010 Version = Much better.

Should you see it? Well sure. Just keep in mind that you’ll need to buy some popcorn so you can contemplate it’s buttery goodness during the slow, dumb parts. And there are quite a few.

A Visual Delight Wrapped in a Basket of Suckiness

I get it, Tim Burton. You are “out there” and “wacky” and you’re dealing with a story that was clearly originally written under the influence of heroin. I mean, I was with you for some of the way, but then I just had to take a step back and realize that your most recent movie really sucks. Why you ask, Tim Burton defender? Well for the following mostly:

• Your story makes no sense. Maybe that’s the whole idea, you were really trying to focus on the fact of Alice finding her “muchness”. A nice concept. But if you’re going to have this story take place ten years AFTER the original Alice in Wonderland and then make Alice a 19-year old girl that is returning to Wonderland, err I mean Underland for the second time, then overall I feel a little bit hornswoggled. Maybe you should have called it “Alice in Wonderland 2: Electric Boogaloo” Not only is it more accurate, but it nicely describes the overall look and feel you achieved. I was waiting for any number of characters to start break dancing.
• The misuse of Johnny Depp. It’s fun that he gets to wear elaborate costumes and kabuki makeup, but his character really didn’t have a whole lot to do. And maybe this was on purpose, but he kept switching from an English accent  to an Irish accent willy nilly.  Pick one, Johnny. Oh and by the way, your green contacts and white skin looked really fake.
• Helena Bonham Carter. Rule of thumb: avoid her at all costs. Apologies that the two of you are married.
• Crispin Glover. See above. Hopefully you’re not married to him as well.
• Sheer boredom. This was the overarching emotion I felt while watching your film. I would have rather been alphabetizing my t-shirts.

What I DID like however:

• Mia Wasikowski or whatever her real name is. The chick that played Alice is a great actress. Put her in a movie with Sam Worthington and I think I might just die right then and there.
• Your visual effects were fun. I saw it in 3D and was not disappointed, but NOTHING can compare to the 3D world of Avatar, so apparently I’m now a 3D snob.

To sum up, even though 50 million people will see this movie, it’s just meh.