Catch the Dorktrain to Nerdtown!

To begin: I am not old and crusty. I think Shia Labeouf is as funny onscreen as his name is to say. I know that Megan Fox, even though she has some oddly mishapen Hobbit thumbs, is hot like a radiation burn and looks much like a unicorn would on screen as she is so unnaturally attractive. Also, I could watch transforming robots pound each other into sweet oblivion all day long. But after viewing Transformers 2: Electric Boogaloo, I was left oddly cold and dead inside. Kind of similar to Ms. Fox’s gaze, acting style and affinity for Brian Austin Green. Yes, as of today, T2: ROTF has grossed more than $600 billion worldwide, but come on people, this movie blows more than a football stadium full of cocaine in a swirling wind storm!

I know that every American has already seen it, sometimes twice, and that is why I’m not worried about spoiling anything, but here is why it should disappear faster than the crap fiesta that was  “AI: Artificial Intelligence” otherwise known as, the real reason Stanley Kubrick died.

Splosions! Running! This is the movie!

Um…Story?
I realize that a story in a movie like this is just a speedbump on the way to action sequences and eye candy, but come on! At least get something a little less convoluted and dumb.

Here is my attempt at a synopsis. Please buckle in: a fragment of the AllSpark remains (‘member that?) and it causes Sam Witwikie to see symbols and visions that will lead him to a new source of energy that the Decepticons can use to resurrect Megatron at the bottom of the ocean. Don’t worry, we never learn what happens to his visions or symbols later on. They just kind of go away. The bad robots steal the fragment, reanimate Megatron and he then gets all revengeful and takes on Optimus Prime, effectively, like killing him and stuff. We have no time to mourn, as Sam is also beginning college and leaving his girlfriend so she can work in her motorcycle shop where her job consists of laying on motorcycles and talking to Sam on the computer and phone.

Meanwhile, at his college which has more hot girls per capita than any university known to man, even UCLA, Sam is finally convinced to join the battle against the Decepticons, because shockingly enough, he is more important than even he knows. Dude, this is heavy. Stuff blows up, really big Transformers Transform, the SR-71 Blackbird is proven to be a really old Transformer who transports everyone to Egypt auto-magically where the ancient pyramids hide a weapon that will steal the energy of the sun to power the Decepticon family. Wait a minute…could that same power be somehow harnessed to bring Optimus back to life? Yes! Let’s try it! Also, Optimus has some Prime brothers, and they’re all dead, expecpt for one, The Fallen, (do you see the connection in the title now??) and he’s super pissed and trying to kill everyone on Earth. You know, by stealing the sun.

To lighten things up, we have scenes of dog-on-dog action and references to robot undercarriages. Both about as hilarious as eczema. Sam’s Mom and Dad show up literally EVERYWHERE, and poor Tyrese is left to hang around and wait for his chance to say “Make it rain.” Again. Adam “Pacman” Jones is pleased.

After all this, I still have no idea what really happened in this movie. But an army of fifth graders equipped only with their favorite Bionicle and a thousand tiny typewriters could have come up with a less crappy, convoluted script.

This weird looking thing is all part of the story. Don’t worry.

Changing the Rules, All of a Sudden.
I’m referring to two parts here. The first, where Sam is seduced by weird looking random college hottie, who we learn is a robot (what???) with a killer tail tucked under her micro-mini. Where does she put it all? This goes against all the previous Transformers mythology as instead of this particular Decepticon transforming into a helicopter or a submarine or something equally useful and evil, instead she transforms into a hot human? This makes no sense. If Transformers was going to become Terminator, why don’t they just have ALL of the robots become large humans and they can bench press the human race out of existence? Why even switch to cars and planes and junk? Oh right, because again, that would be the Terminator. Way to switch things up on us halfway through.

Don’t worry everyone. She’s really a robot. Paging John Connor

Also, when the most useless character ever, the SR-71 BlackBird JetFire, is reanimated by Energon or the fragment or by an old peanut butter sandwich, I can’t remember which, he then decides to take everyone with him to Egypt. By teleporting them there. Sure, let’s introduce this concept now, because I’m sure a Blackbird couldn’t fly there in about three hours from wherever this movie is supposed to take place. Instead we learn that Transformers can teleport not only themselves but others with them. Sure, let’s go ahead and change the rules now. If this was the case, why don’t the Transformers simply teleport out of danger? Why didn’t Optimus teleport himself and Sammy out of the forest right before he got shanked? Can only really old Transformers with the optional cane attachment do such tricks with time and space?

Stupid.

Also, when the big bad robot at the end went all Voltron and started assembling huge body parts from other vehicles and attaching them onto one enormogous robot that for some reason only really was sucking sand, he STILL had trouble scaling the pyramid. I’m thinking if you’re Voltron, can’t you just leap to the top of the pyramid with ease? Why do you have to use your cable attachment to climb up there? You are weak.

This dumb robot is weak.

Random, Stupid Robots
I’m referring again to Jetfire who decides to sacrifice himself at the end and give his cool spy plane parts to Optimus Prime for the climactic battle. Which was kind of cool, until Optimus decided to shed those extra parts after winning. (Well of course, we gots to have a sequel.)  Thanks for giving your life, Blackbird, it was totally worth it.

I’m also referring to the worst characters ever, Mudflap and Skidplate or whatever their names are. Forget the blatant racism or stereotypicality in their depiction, I’m more offended that two of the ugliest cars in the world were featured so prominently. You’ve got a brand new Camaro and some other sweet cars and trucks, and all we get to see are these small Euro-trash piles of dung supplied by Chevy?

P.S. the AutoBots that are just motorcycles? Dumb idea. They look about as scary as a sleeping poodle.

Totally not scary.

Jon Turtorro. Again.
Why does this man still have a SAG card?

Yes. He’s in it again.

Bumblebee STILL Can’t Talk?
With all the advancements in technology, you know, giant robots becoming other things like cars or airplanes, you’d think they’d have a spare moment to tinker with his freaking voice processor! Even Jar Jar Binks had more lines than this dude!

Still not talking.

Robot Undercarriages
I suppose this was funny? But if I wanted to see robot dong, I’m sure there’s an Internet site for that.

Humans That Just Won’t Die
I imagine that if I were to do battle with a large robot bent on my destruction, I probably wouldnt’ stand much of a chance. Especially if I had long flowing hair. I would have liked to see a few more soldiers and maybe the Witwickie parents get wacked, just to resonate emotionally and to remind me that hey, these robots are pretty dangerous, instead of seeing them almost kill people and think they’re just horribly inaccurate. I mean, Josh Duhamel really didn’t have that much to do, couldn’t we see him go down in a hail of bullets to some soaring music? Fergie would be proud.

Showing some range. And her large thumbs. And no. No one died in this scene. I wish.

Dorm Rooms the Size of Palaces
I love how there’s enough room in their two man dorm room, for an entire IT operations center, four website admins and more plasma screens than O’Hare. As I recall, dorm rooms have about enough room to shave and put your socks on, and certainly not at the same time.

Essentially, this all fit in their dorm room.

Movie Length
There was absolutely no reason for this movie to be any longer than 72 minutes. The fact that it’s over two and a half hours long is proof that Michael Bay has an ego the size of China or that we really did need to see 23 minutes of the Witwickie parents spanning the globe, and 7 minutes of dog humping.

Admittedly, there were about five places where I laughed out loud and some of the effects were legit. The rest of the time I was bored or confused or incredulous. Kind of like when I try to comprehend how Joan Rivers is still alive. Why hasn’t one of her lips exploded and killed her yet?