Catch the Dorktrain to Nerdtown!

I think it would be great if we could talk about the finale of the American Idol. For just a minute. Because I haven’t had a chance to discuss it yet. Because I JUST finally watched it like the other day. After the outcome had become known by just about everyone. Including old people who drive cars while wearing hats. They knew the outcome of our American Idol before I did!

So if it’s alright, I would like to share some thoughts. You know, now that America has crowned a champion and moved on to other things like Sucky Jon & Kate Plus 8 Miserable Children, or that dancing show with the other Simon on it with Andy Gibb hair.

First of all, can you believe that five months has passed since the very first audition show? Five months! If I was a New Guinean gibbon, I could have given birth by now to eleven of the most adorable gibbon babies that you have ever seen. All I’m saying is that five months is a long time to dedicate to one show, and I’m beyond relieved that I was spared having to watch Danny Gokey’s smug face in these finals. I would have been forced to seek out a small baby to punch. Luckily all babies were spared as this was actually the finale I wanted to see (since the whole Allison/ Kris thing never materialized as it should have.)

Here’s your finale. Adam wishes they were kissing.

Round 1
Kris has apparently watched this show before as he has learned that if you win the ever-so-important coin flip, that you make the other dude go first! This way, you can be the last one on the stage singing “This is My Now” or “Climb Every Waterfall” or some other crappy song about rainbows and unicorns at the end. It’s also your one chance to wrestle the pimp spot away from Adam who has had it like 47 times since January. Give the kid a shot! As a sidenote, I also like that they had some lowly intern comb through hours and hours of footage to actually find some Kris Allen tryout footage. Since we hadn’t ever seen Kris on the show EVAR until the Top 24, I’m surprised they could find something for him. Either that, or they forced to put on his slightly askew cap, the same outfit and re-create putting his number on for the first time. Just like the moon landing. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did that, especially since Kris entered the season in the cannon fodder spot and was not supposed to make it past that loon Tatiana.

Adam kicked the show off in full “Starlight Express” mode singing “Mad World” and flooded in that eerie blue light again. I thought he started out alright (for Adam)  and then I saw his trench coat, boots, weird pants and pancake makeup and wondered if he was going to attempt to mime the song while placing a cockatoo on his shoulder. I agree with Simon on his “theatrical” take. The only thing that would have made it more theatrical would have been having to pay $80 bucks for my seat. All the prententiousness was built right into the performance!

Look at my cool trench, kids!

Kris then came out and played “Ain’t No Sunshine” again. Originally I was a little bit disappointed as I thought he had a billion songs that were better. “Falling Slowly” “Heartless” even “She Works Hard for the Money” come to mind. But as soon as he started singing, I immediately shut up. Easily one of his best performances of the season, and he proved that he belongs in the final and beyond. I can’t imagine the Goke conjuring up a performance like that with a full on top hat, rabbit and actual magical powers.

Round 1 Victor

Round 1 Victor: Kris

Round 2
Producer’s choice here, which is always a scary thing. Mostly because the producers are old and don’t realize that there has been popular music made in the last ten years. This year as an added bonus they decided to get all “socially conscious” on us as well. Which given the “current climate” and “landscape” made “perfect sense.” At least they kept trying to tell usthat anyway. All I know is that I’m watching two dudes sing to me on my television set. I don’t care what songs they’re singing, as long as they’re qualiTAY. That’s all I’m looking for.

Adam made one last shot at getting the straight vote by dressing up in a nice metallic suit, doing that thing with his hair so it’s not so vampire-y and frightening and sang “Change is Gon’ Come” with all the fervor of a man who’s actually stepped inside a church once or twice in his life. He probably had to visit Wikipedia to find out what that was like. So as soon as Adam starts into his shrill banshee screaming and caterwauling, I typically check out and start thinking about what shampoo to use in the morning or if I’m going to try to skip the third gear in my car during my entire commute the next day. But this time, Adam actually sounded not so sucky. He even bordered on kind of good. I even found myself thinking, “You know, this dude isn’t so bad. Once you get past the screaming and the eleventeen octaves and horrible costume jewelry on every available limb, he’s really not that bad.” And then my wife slapped me and my pupils un-dilated and I realized that it was all a horrible, horrible dream . That was close. Adam still sucks, everybody!

Can you imagine what this sounds like?

I think I’ve also determined that because the judges fawn all over Adam like he’s a newborn puppy with leukemia, and constantly act like they’ve never been privy to the musical nirvana that he brings that I hate him more because of that. I will never like the New York Yankees, Notre Dame anything, Kobe Bryant as a basketball player or a human, or any sports team from Dallas. Because you tell me they’re the best. Why don’t you let me figure it out on my own instead of constantly bowing down to him and calling him a “Rock God” and whatever gibberish comes out of Paula’s mouth?

Kris sang an equally socially conscious song, Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On.” He did a great job with it, switching up the phrasing and the overall tone of the song. He also had some guitar strumming dudes helping him out which always seems to add a nice flourish to any number. I thought it was just fine, even for a finale. Simon thought other wise and chose to gush about just how great Adam is. For the 97th time.

Round 2 Victor: Adam

Final Round
This would have been a pretty significant round if our two Idols weren’t forced to sing such a crap-tastic song. I think it must be written in the rules somewhere that the glorious, triumphant song sung at the end always has to elude to a great journey or overcoming obstacles to reach a better, bigger place. How about just writing a good song? It could even be about nothing? Or watching sheep grow wool or something. Just give me a nice melody and a hook that actually hooks me! This song took THREE people including Ms. DioGuardi to craft, and I could have done a better job by throwing tennis balls at a Speak n’ Spell. “You can go higher, you can go deeper?” Which is it?! Am I trying to go high or deep? And why do I want to get to the top of the mountain anyway? Don’t I just want to get to that peaceful meadow over there? Why do I have to be so extreme? After eight years it doesn’t matter. Whether they enlist professionals like Dianne Warren, or have a contest on the Internets with Average Joes or have Kara write something, it always sucks. I’ve got your “Moment Like This” and it always seems to look like a sixth grade dance.

Both Adam and Kris sucked on this song, mostly because they knew what they were singing was crappy, and I think both of them were gearing up to sing with cool people the next night. Like Kiss! and Keith Urban! Actual singers! But I’ll be honest, this was one of the best finals ever as it could have gone EITHER way. Like Adam.

Round 3 Victor: The “off” button on my television.

The Finale!

First off, I would like to comment on the results before anything else. Completely shocking and completely deserved. I have downloaded more Kris Allen songs with actual money than I have any other contestant. I am convinced that Adam is a nice guy and good person, but his voice is like hearing a vulture rip out his voice box while he attempts even higher notes. Some sounds weren’t meant for human ears. I am shocked also that the Cullen Family didn’t vote 7 million times for Adam. Not only are they immortal, but I’m sure they could have dialed incredibly fast. You’d think they would have supported one of their own. Well, everyone except Rosalie. She’s kind of stuck up.

Totally didn’t vote for Adam. Or Bella either.

Other Musings:

While Adam was wearing his wire shoulder pads and lycra jumpsuit while performing with Kiss, I don’t think he’s ever looked happier. He’s going to miss all of this.

What, these? Oh I just brought them from home. Woot!

Kris Allen more than held his own with Keith Urban. A tens of millions selling recording artist. His voice and guitar pickin’ were both at times stronger and more confident than Mr. Kidman’s. And  his body didn’t look so weird.

Kris straight up dominating Mr. Kidman

And why oh why, did Lil Rounds get her own song with Queen Latifah? Lil Rounds? Latifah? They’re both awful. My fast forward button was screaming I hit it so hard.

Lil Rounds and Latifah. Both in ill-fitting stretch pants.

And I can’t say enough about the awesomeness that was “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper and Allison Bringstheheta. It was great. I can’t wait to hear what Allison will do once she is in the recording booth and has hand-crafted album. I imagine that I will purchase it with actual American money.

Allison singing her face off. Cyndi Lauper showing me things I really don’t want to see.

And I loved when Adam and Kris were both singing with Queen (sidebar: Brian May REALLY needs to re-think his long, Kenny G afro-mullet. I’m sure it was a fantastic idea back in the ’70’s when they were a relevant band and Freddie Mercury had a really amazing overbite. But now? It looks kind of pathetic like.) Anyway, it was awesome when they were both singing “We Are the Champions” and saying to each other “Can you believe this? Queen? Us? Dry ice?  Tomorrow this all goes away. Sure we’re going to be changed forever, but it all goes away.” They seemed genuinely happy.

Oh man, this sure is great. Hey, what’s up with dude’s hair?

Unlike Megan Joy who was trying to wrench every ounce of camera time into something…anything! I think she got home and realized how quickly people are forgotten on this show, and was determined to make the most of her limited time on camera. Also, her duet with oil rig guy and Steve Martin was actually kind of nice.

Actually, this wasn’t bad.

So congratulations and a long musical career to Kris. I think it’s significant to note that a local alternative radio station is already playing his “Heartless” and they HATE American Idol. That really kind of says something. I’m sure Adam will be successful as well. Back on Broadway. Actually I can’t wait to hear his album as well. And see how many people don’t actually buy it. It will be nice.

Dude. I’m shocked too.

Until next January!

I learned something very important this week. And that something is that there was no such thing as rock music after 1969. The ’70’s, 80’s, ’90’s and especially the current decade contain absolutely no semblance of rock. At. All. Somewhere my Warrant, Great White, Winger and Tesla cassette tapes are crying.

These feel neglected right now. The tapes. And probably the guy too.

I was excited for this week. Not only because I would finally get to see Adam in his true persona as the Avenging Angel of Rock Death, but because after suffering through weeks and weeks of crap-tastic themes like The Best of Rodgers & Hammerstein, Theme Songs from Television Sitcoms, and Turkish Polka Dances, it was time to finally get to the good stuff. Good old fashioned American rock music. And with Slash as the guest mentor, you just had to know that one of the kids was going to die from a heroin overdose before the week was over. I was really rooting for Danny and his “heart fingers.” But oh well.

But on to the Rock!

Adam started things off, by singing a Led Zeppelin song, “Whole Lotta Love.” And in case you didn’t hear it one of the 79 times that Ryan and Adam mentioned it, it was the first time that Led Zeppelin has allowed their songs to be sung on this show. And they let Adam sing it.   Dude, John Bonham is probably pissed somewhere in his alcohol and cocaine soaked grave. What’s next, a Zeppelin song in a major car commercial? Oh…

it’s great to see Adam breaking down all sorts of barriers. His totally cute boyfriend is probably so proud. First Led Zeppelin song on American Idol. First really creepy guy caked in makeup to get straight chicks and grandmas alike to vote for him. First openly gay dude to win the title of American Idol. Fantasia does not count, as I am pretty sure that she’s a woman.

I must admit that Adam did an OK job with this selection. For him. Which is kind of like saying that the escargot I just had for dinner was pretty good. You know, as snails go, they were pretty good. And as Adam and his tongue goes, it was pretty good. I liked the part where he was coming out all angry and cyborg-ish, like he was going to SHOW ME just what a rocker he IS. It’s not enough that he was totally wearing rock bell bottoms and a shirt open to his pelvis, but he’s got to try to scowl at me the whole time too? Let me get his numbers into my speed dial machine quickly, because this guy sure ACTS like he belongs in the top. Or he wants to murder me. And I don’t want him to back me into a corner and try to screech me into submission. Look people, I try. I try to understand what has captured America about Adam. Is it that the judges keep saying how amazing he is, so everyone else HAS to agree, or is it because they like being screamed at when actually singing the notes would do just fine, or do they like the way that Adam snarls and preens around the stage like a really ferocious peacock in leather pants? I can’t figure out what it is, but all I know is that when “Various Screams, Grunts and Screeches” comes out by Adam Lambert on 19 Records, I can’t WAIT to see the sales figures! They are bound to be super impressive.

Cyborgs are scary.

So of course the judges got all reverent when they were talking about Adam, Kara called him a Rock God and Paula said something but I couldn’t hear it because of all the drool that spilled down the front of her dress. Randy said something that sounded like, ‘Yo, dude, shmtnltking, kltjssknign, lskdjfldkj, yeah!!!!” and Simon put his cigarette lighter in his pants pocket long enough for him to actually clap his hands. The Emperor has no clothes people! He’s freaking naked and I’m the ONLY one that can see it! You’ll see when those evil tailors are leaving town with all of our gold! Then, you’ll all listen to me!! Adam sucks SOOO much.

Sidebar: Why the junk did Adam NOT sing “Sweet Child o’ Mine”??? He’s been stealing from Axl Rose for the past twelve weeks and then when he finally gets a chance to pay homage to his teacher, he doesn’t do it? He does Robert Plant instead? I’m thoroughly disappointed. Although, the more I think about it, I’m sure that Axl would not give the approval for his song to be sung by someone with different “sensibilities.” I recall the lyrics to “One in a Million” and Axl does not enjoy peeps that are “different.” Although pretty much everyone is different from Axl. Any forty five year-old-man with cornrows and the skin stretched on his face so tight that you could jump on it is decidedly different.

Allison
Allison was next, and she did a good job with the source material. I mean, Janis Joplin is great and all as far as dead musicians go. She’s better than Mama Cass. But I think if Allison had attempted something from the last twenty years, she could have transported us to a magical place. I thought she did great, as she always does, and with Adam’s hairstylist designing her locks, she looks a little more current and a little less fuchsia-y. My eyeballs thank you. Why do the judges not get the greatness that is Allison? They don’t understand that this girl can sing a monkey out of a tree, and that she is so consistent she could be FedEx? This has been one of the most super frustrating seasons in recent memory. Everyone is fawning over a cyborg, and the no one wants to save the little doe that is stuck in a fence that can sing her jowls off. I feel like Adam’s dad must feel.

Allison and her new hair endure no love from the judges. Again.

Kris Allen
Kris taught me this week that the Beatles are rock. I really had no idea. But apparently they are. There are two things that I am proud of in life.

1. I have never killed a hitchhiking drifter
2. I have never enjoyed the Beatles

I know that some of you can’t believe number 2 there, but I just don’t get what the freaking big deal is. Good for you, Beatles. You appeared on the “Ed Sullivan Show” and you all had the same haircut, and before you came out, people like Chubby Checker were considered music, but come on. I hate the reverence afforded the Beatles and their “master collection” of forty seven albums, of which, only three are actually good. Kris was dead set on singing a Beatles song, and if they weren’t considered the absolute ultimate group ever, Kris might have fared better with our friends the judges. I thought what he did with “Come Together” was pretty solid. He changed it up nicely and made a song that everyone has heard fifty kabillion times, enjoyable. But the way that the judges skewered him afterwards, both he and I were convinced that he was a goner this week. But apparently the Kris has more peoples in his corner than we suspected. I mean, look at those cheekbones. My grandma would want to make soup of them they are so cute!

Still Alive!

Danny Gokey
Danny himself admits that this is not his kind of music. He enjoys things that are more gospel, where he can point at me with his whole hand and look earnest as he’s singing softly to the camera. Or something with a banjo and a jug. Picking Aerosmith’s “Dream On” was one of the dumbest decisions ever. Not only is the song like 11 minutes long, but it ends with the kind of note that only Steven Tyler or Adam Lambert and his tongue can hit. I know that the Goke has been feeling some pressure to be just like Adam, but you ain’t Adam, bro. You like chicks and can only scream in two octaves. Not eighteen. So thanks for performing in a vest and a button down shirt, but this is ROCK night, son. Break out your top hat and leather chaps! Again, after filing this kind of performance with a song this far out of his realm, he should have been sent packing. But I can’t BELIEVE he’s got this many fans. How many times is Jamar Rogers dialing for his dude?  His fingers must be bleeding.

However, I do enjoy the candor of our guest mentor, Slash. You could tell that he and his curly locks did not like Danny, not even a little bit. In fact, he probably encouraged him to sing this song because he knew it was going to be atroshe. You go, Slash.

Submit, song! Tap out! I will break you!

Results and Random Musings

• WAAAAYYY too early for Allison to go home. I had prognosticated that she would be the dark horse candidate to win. Win! I miss her and her good voice already. The fact that she is now gone and the Goke is still smugly sitting on the couches kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
• Why does Adam have to scowl when he sings, “Woman… you need…Love!!!!” Was it that hard for him to sing about a woman, that he had to go to a deep dark, place where only Terminators and SKYNET roam? He’s SUCH a good actor.
• Having them sing duets was a nice touch. However, having the judges comment on them at seemingly the last minute was horrendously stupid. “Er…I really liked the way you were holding the microphone and pretending to enjoy singing with the Goke, Kris. I give you three out of five stars.” What was this? And they made them sing this crapfest BEFORE their actual songs that could get them eliminated? You could see how nervous Kris was because he was probably trying to remember the words to his actual song.
• I really loved seeing how crazy Kris’ family got when they found out he had made it to the Top 3. I enjoy seeing actual joy.
• Paula Abdul needs to stop trying to have a music career. She is a horrible lip syncher, and her patented choreography looks like it jumped off straight from 1987. And it’s just mean to make all of those gay dudes dance with her and pretend to like her. Mean.
• My DVR cut it off because stupid No Doubt took so long, but Ryan said that he’d be playing Allison on the radio one day. I concur, RyRy! That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said all night!