If you, like me, haven’t seen this video in a while, then you are missing out on a significant chunk of awesome. Not only was this one of the first times that a hastily assembled group of celebrities got together for a cause (in this case, feeding children in Africa) but this particular recording contained more starpower than a West Hollywood Starbucks. You’ve also got:
- Kenny Rogers in an oversize t-shirt going into convulsions trying to hit his notes
- An actual Al Jarreau sighting
- Darry Hall. Oh and Oates is somewhere in there too!
- A black Michael Jackson (RIP) back when he was relevant and people didn’t think twice that he was wearing a be-dazzled majorette costume
- Bruce Springsteen pretty much ruining everthing with his yelling. Dude, if this guy can be a musical icon with his gravel throat, it gives me hope that I could at least be a musical afterthought
- Steve Perry and Dionne Warwick not even breaking a sweat to hit their notes. I believe they call this professionalism, people. Yes, they need some help in the hairdo department, but they know how to come in and sang
- Ray Charles–Dead
- Kim Carnes–Not dead
- LaToya AND Jermaine Jackson. I wonder what they offered Quincy Jones to let them come on in? I can’t recall either of them being able to, uh…you know…actually sing?
- Huey Lewis, also still alive and more than holding his own with Michael
Aaah. The ’80’s at their finest.
Filed under: The World of Sport
Like many of you, I recently watched the Los Angeles Lakers win their umpteenth championship and then had to watch Kobe Bryant’s smug, stupid face. I loved watching him transition from “determined, focused, stupid-looking Kobe” to “giddy, excited, his teammates still hate him” Kobe. It’s a good thing they play in Los Angeles, as I’ve never seen a team act like they have such great comraderie and unity when it’s obvious they’d all like to stab Kobe in the eyeball. Even gentle Derek Fisher.
Pretty much the best thing about this whole championship run was the trophy awarded. Which in all honesty should have gone to the Cavaliers if they didn’t decide to suck at just the wrong time. The Larry O’Brien Championship trophy is truly a thing to behold. However, it’s probably only in the top five of cool trophies. Since I hate Kobe Bryant and refuse to talk any more about him, I thought instead I would rate the best and worst trophies in sports. That’s GOT to be more interesting, right?
The Worst. Ever.
13. BCS “Championship” Trophy — The Coaches Trophy
Just look at this atrocity. It’s not bad enough that teams fight through a brutal regular season only to never have a real NCAA champion crowned. You’ll notice the name of this trophy is “The Coaches’ Trophy” and it is adorned with the ugly BCS logo. Also, it indicates that the winner of this trophy is the winner of the USA Today Poll. Congratulations, Poll champions. Not only are you sham champions of a sham “championship series” but your trophy reflects it. Even Les Miles wants nothing to do with it. And then the absurd crystal football can be removed from its pedestal to be proudly raised in the air. The only thing more stupid looking than a bunch of football players holding a crystal football in the air is pretty much nothing. Thanks for all of your hard work. It was apparently for nothing.
12. The World Cup
For an event that happens every four years and is truly a global competition, you think they could have crafted something that looks better than a small-ish, golden turd. It’s not even a cup! This thing is not an adequate reward for four minutes of jogging, much less 8 games of 90 minutes a piece in a foreign land.
I also can’t even tell what it is! A fiery set of angels lifting their arms in victory while holding a globe on their shoulders? And why does it look like it was fabricated by a bunch of drunk four year olds? The trophy I won for the Pinewood Derby was more inspirational than this. I do not feel bad that America has never won this.
11. NCAA Basketball Championship Trophy
No one in their right mind would ever look good hoisting this thing in the air.
Just think guys, you only spent three weeks battling out 63 other teams in what is arguably the greatest sporting event ever. This award doesn’t really match the achievement, does it? Good thing 6% of you can expect a grandiose pay day in the NBA. For the rest of you, please enjoy this moment with your ugly piece of wood.
10. Any Tennis Trophy
Ok, so I do need to bring this up. Women’s trophies as compared to men’s in this sport are ridiculous. Just look at this:
Federer gets a freaking gold chalice that you could drink many beverages from, but the Russian blonde gets a huge dinner plate. What is she supposed to do with that? Hang it on the wall of her garage? Eat off of it? At least with a gold chalice, you can probably go to any 7-11 worldwide and fill it up with delicious Slurpee. For free. At least I would. But what are you going to do with a large dinner plate? You can’t even tuck that thing under your arm to take it to your car! And do you think it fits in the trunk? The trunk of a semi maybe. I’d rather have the chalice. Stuffed with Slurpee.
9. World Series Trophy
First of all, this is the World Effing Series! You’d think that they would give away a trophy worthy of a World Championship. The little pennants are a cute touch, but this trophy is NOT impressive. At all.
Not even Jon Lester can make this thing more manly, and he just pitched the game that won the World Championship in this picture. They need to replace this fruity thing with something dominating, oozing with machismo. A bear trap, or even a gold plated bat or a mitt dipped in platinum. Even a pillow case with the face of Barry Bonds on it would be infinitely cooler.
8. Pro Wrestling Championship Belt
Don’t get me wrong. Being able to wear a championship belt is pretty much the coolest thing ever. And I know these belts exist just to be slammed into the faces of their competitors while the ref is conveniently not looking. But the fact that this is what you get after “winning” a pre-determined match, makes it horribly lame. And sorry to tell you, but all of the fake bling on this thing makes it look like it was made in a trailer park.
7. World Series of Poker Bracelet
You heard me right. It’s a bracelet. All I can think of when I hear “bracelet” or see this picture of the bracelet is to think, what’s next? A camaro, turtleneck and a splash of English Leather? Who thought this was a good idea?
But then I realized that the dudes that play poker for a living look like this:
And this:
So I’m sure that a bracelet actually sounds like a nice addition to the wardrobe to these fellas.
The Best
6. Indianapolis 500 Trophy
This thing is epic. It’s big, burly, and has a bunch of faces on it from previous winners. Not only do you know that you’ve spent your time winning something, but your face will soon be etched in pewter and added to the trophy for the next year. Does it get ANY better than that? I really don’t think so.
Who wouldn’t want to be etched in pewter?
5. Boxing Championship Belts
Because unlike wrestling, this is for a real sport where the decision is not already pre-determined. Well…at least when Don King is not involved.
4. Olympic Medals
Now this is an event held every four years that gets it right. Award medals to the top three finishers in varying degrees of metal preciosity. Gold, silver and then bronze that nobody cares about. How did bronze get the nod as the third most valuable metal? Was tin or sheet metal already taken? No time to make medals out of barbed wire? And each games they’re designed a little bit differently. Here are some of my favorites from Torino.
3. Larry O’Brien NBA Championship Trophy
Now we’re getting somewhere. When you win this thing, you know that you’ve arrived. Large, golden and heavy, when the Larry O’Brien walks into a room, people notice. This is a trophy that grown men actually want. It is easy to hug, embrace, kiss and cry onto. All things that Michael Jordan has done to this national treasure.
And the MVP trophy ain’t that bad either. Even though Tony Parker-Longoria sucks, you still can’t help to covet his golden hoop and matching ball. Take a lesson, Major League Baseball!
2. NFL – Vince Lombardi Trophy
Not only is football one of the greatest sports ever, but they have a trophy worthy of the battle required to actually win a championship in this league.
Silver, solid and with a giant football on top. This is a trophy that you can show your Mom with pride and let her know that all those years of skipping class and dating your tutor and injecting steroids into your own gluteal were all worth it. The NFL’s Championship Game = Super Bowl. NFL’s Champion Trophy = Super Rad.
1. NHL Championship –Stanley Cup
Come on, seriously. Even though hockey is at times a mediocre sport when there is no punching, the Stanley Cup is the pinnacle of achievement. I want to win a Stanley Cup just so I can lift it over bearded head and yell “We did it!” even though I would have had nothing to do with it.
Additional reasons why the Stanley Cup is awesome:
- You get your name engraved on it FOREVER. Or at least until they run out of space
- It’s an actual cup that you can drink out of. And you are required to swig champagne out of it once you win
- A new one is NOT made every year. Once you are no longer champion, you have to give it to the new champion. Try collecting one of these, Jerry Jones
- After the Cup is given to the team captain, everyone then gets a turn skating with it around the ice. Who doesn’t love a victory lap?
- Each player gets to take the Cup home for a day. Are you kidding me? Is this not the greatest rule ever in the sporting world? I would take the Cup to dinner and a movie, and then we would dip our feet in a river, skip stones and talk about life. What a great day.
When I grow up, I want to win a Stanley Cup. Everything else sucks.
Filed under: Movies
So I was totally pumped for Terminator: Salvation. Not only because the Terminator franchise is awesome (with the exception of T3: Here Comes the Suckage) but because ever since Reign of Fire, Christian Bale has been THE man. The Prestige, amazing. 3:10 to Yuma, even amazing-er. And don’t even get me started on just how rawk the Batman franchise is now with CB and Christopher Nolan telling him where to stand.
So you combine Christian Bale and a franchise in desperate need of some “cool” resuscitation with a director (McG shockingly enough) that looks like he actually has learned how to make movies since telling Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and that Asian one where to stand; you’ve got yourself a movie that I am excited to watch multiple times.
After my first viewing yes, the movie was sufficiently awesome, but after the first five minutes, I could have cared less that Christian Bale was even in it. Simply because every time Sam Worthington was on the screen as Marcus Banks, he straight up STOLE the scene from everyone else. I don’t know what the movie people call it, whether it’s charisma or stage presence or a little something called quality acting, but Worthington has the goods. If I was Kara DioGuardi right now (Can you imagine how weird THAT would be) I would say that he has “acting chops and is a ROCK god” or something equally cheesy. Because that’s what Kara does. She goes a little bit too far. And does it a little too loudly.
Now to be fair, he did suck at the American accent, and couldn’t manage to keep the Australian accent from seeping through at specific intervals, but I’m convinced this kid is going places. And after looking at his IMDB page, he’s only going to be in FOUR upcoming films including James Cameron’s Avatar and a Clash of the Titans remake (editors note: awesome) so you’ll need to get to know Sam Worthington. Soon. Just warning you.
Currently acting all over Anton Yelchin
Also, T:S introduced me to Moon Bloodgood. Not only does she have the best name of any actress pretty much ever but when I start up my own army to protect America from the upcoming Chinese invasion, she would be the first person I call. Mostly because her name is so scary. Also, I think it’s hilarious that in the movie she plays a character called Blair Williams. First of all, her REAL name is perfect for a Terminator movie, and they give her a character name that sounds like it came from “The Facts of Life.” Hilarious.
P.S. if you have not viewed the Terminator movie yet, you should. I’ll go with you.
For some reason, I cannot get enough of this song. Just to clear a few things up:
- This video is the weirdness
- This band, even before the funky post-production effects is easily one of the ugliest in the world. Even more so than the Gregg Allman Band. Or George Michael
- Sidenote: they look nothing like grizzly bears! No beards, knee high leather moccasins or coon skin caps to be found! Disappointing.
- Excellent usage of the organ. The most neglected instrument since the Jew’s harp
So if anyone can explain to me the greater meaning here behind this video, I will give you a free case of the swine flu! Hurry! Offer is limited!
I think it would be great if we could talk about the finale of the American Idol. For just a minute. Because I haven’t had a chance to discuss it yet. Because I JUST finally watched it like the other day. After the outcome had become known by just about everyone. Including old people who drive cars while wearing hats. They knew the outcome of our American Idol before I did!
So if it’s alright, I would like to share some thoughts. You know, now that America has crowned a champion and moved on to other things like Sucky Jon & Kate Plus 8 Miserable Children, or that dancing show with the other Simon on it with Andy Gibb hair.
First of all, can you believe that five months has passed since the very first audition show? Five months! If I was a New Guinean gibbon, I could have given birth by now to eleven of the most adorable gibbon babies that you have ever seen. All I’m saying is that five months is a long time to dedicate to one show, and I’m beyond relieved that I was spared having to watch Danny Gokey’s smug face in these finals. I would have been forced to seek out a small baby to punch. Luckily all babies were spared as this was actually the finale I wanted to see (since the whole Allison/ Kris thing never materialized as it should have.)
Here’s your finale. Adam wishes they were kissing.
Round 1
Kris has apparently watched this show before as he has learned that if you win the ever-so-important coin flip, that you make the other dude go first! This way, you can be the last one on the stage singing “This is My Now” or “Climb Every Waterfall” or some other crappy song about rainbows and unicorns at the end. It’s also your one chance to wrestle the pimp spot away from Adam who has had it like 47 times since January. Give the kid a shot! As a sidenote, I also like that they had some lowly intern comb through hours and hours of footage to actually find some Kris Allen tryout footage. Since we hadn’t ever seen Kris on the show EVAR until the Top 24, I’m surprised they could find something for him. Either that, or they forced to put on his slightly askew cap, the same outfit and re-create putting his number on for the first time. Just like the moon landing. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did that, especially since Kris entered the season in the cannon fodder spot and was not supposed to make it past that loon Tatiana.
Adam kicked the show off in full “Starlight Express” mode singing “Mad World” and flooded in that eerie blue light again. I thought he started out alright (for Adam) and then I saw his trench coat, boots, weird pants and pancake makeup and wondered if he was going to attempt to mime the song while placing a cockatoo on his shoulder. I agree with Simon on his “theatrical” take. The only thing that would have made it more theatrical would have been having to pay $80 bucks for my seat. All the prententiousness was built right into the performance!
Look at my cool trench, kids!
Kris then came out and played “Ain’t No Sunshine” again. Originally I was a little bit disappointed as I thought he had a billion songs that were better. “Falling Slowly” “Heartless” even “She Works Hard for the Money” come to mind. But as soon as he started singing, I immediately shut up. Easily one of his best performances of the season, and he proved that he belongs in the final and beyond. I can’t imagine the Goke conjuring up a performance like that with a full on top hat, rabbit and actual magical powers.
Round 1 Victor
Round 1 Victor: Kris
Round 2
Producer’s choice here, which is always a scary thing. Mostly because the producers are old and don’t realize that there has been popular music made in the last ten years. This year as an added bonus they decided to get all “socially conscious” on us as well. Which given the “current climate” and “landscape” made “perfect sense.” At least they kept trying to tell usthat anyway. All I know is that I’m watching two dudes sing to me on my television set. I don’t care what songs they’re singing, as long as they’re qualiTAY. That’s all I’m looking for.
Adam made one last shot at getting the straight vote by dressing up in a nice metallic suit, doing that thing with his hair so it’s not so vampire-y and frightening and sang “Change is Gon’ Come” with all the fervor of a man who’s actually stepped inside a church once or twice in his life. He probably had to visit Wikipedia to find out what that was like. So as soon as Adam starts into his shrill banshee screaming and caterwauling, I typically check out and start thinking about what shampoo to use in the morning or if I’m going to try to skip the third gear in my car during my entire commute the next day. But this time, Adam actually sounded not so sucky. He even bordered on kind of good. I even found myself thinking, “You know, this dude isn’t so bad. Once you get past the screaming and the eleventeen octaves and horrible costume jewelry on every available limb, he’s really not that bad.” And then my wife slapped me and my pupils un-dilated and I realized that it was all a horrible, horrible dream . That was close. Adam still sucks, everybody!
Can you imagine what this sounds like?
I think I’ve also determined that because the judges fawn all over Adam like he’s a newborn puppy with leukemia, and constantly act like they’ve never been privy to the musical nirvana that he brings that I hate him more because of that. I will never like the New York Yankees, Notre Dame anything, Kobe Bryant as a basketball player or a human, or any sports team from Dallas. Because you tell me they’re the best. Why don’t you let me figure it out on my own instead of constantly bowing down to him and calling him a “Rock God” and whatever gibberish comes out of Paula’s mouth?
Kris sang an equally socially conscious song, Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On.” He did a great job with it, switching up the phrasing and the overall tone of the song. He also had some guitar strumming dudes helping him out which always seems to add a nice flourish to any number. I thought it was just fine, even for a finale. Simon thought other wise and chose to gush about just how great Adam is. For the 97th time.
Round 2 Victor: Adam
Final Round
This would have been a pretty significant round if our two Idols weren’t forced to sing such a crap-tastic song. I think it must be written in the rules somewhere that the glorious, triumphant song sung at the end always has to elude to a great journey or overcoming obstacles to reach a better, bigger place. How about just writing a good song? It could even be about nothing? Or watching sheep grow wool or something. Just give me a nice melody and a hook that actually hooks me! This song took THREE people including Ms. DioGuardi to craft, and I could have done a better job by throwing tennis balls at a Speak n’ Spell. “You can go higher, you can go deeper?” Which is it?! Am I trying to go high or deep? And why do I want to get to the top of the mountain anyway? Don’t I just want to get to that peaceful meadow over there? Why do I have to be so extreme? After eight years it doesn’t matter. Whether they enlist professionals like Dianne Warren, or have a contest on the Internets with Average Joes or have Kara write something, it always sucks. I’ve got your “Moment Like This” and it always seems to look like a sixth grade dance.
Both Adam and Kris sucked on this song, mostly because they knew what they were singing was crappy, and I think both of them were gearing up to sing with cool people the next night. Like Kiss! and Keith Urban! Actual singers! But I’ll be honest, this was one of the best finals ever as it could have gone EITHER way. Like Adam.
Round 3 Victor: The “off” button on my television.
The Finale!
First off, I would like to comment on the results before anything else. Completely shocking and completely deserved. I have downloaded more Kris Allen songs with actual money than I have any other contestant. I am convinced that Adam is a nice guy and good person, but his voice is like hearing a vulture rip out his voice box while he attempts even higher notes. Some sounds weren’t meant for human ears. I am shocked also that the Cullen Family didn’t vote 7 million times for Adam. Not only are they immortal, but I’m sure they could have dialed incredibly fast. You’d think they would have supported one of their own. Well, everyone except Rosalie. She’s kind of stuck up.
Totally didn’t vote for Adam. Or Bella either.
Other Musings:
While Adam was wearing his wire shoulder pads and lycra jumpsuit while performing with Kiss, I don’t think he’s ever looked happier. He’s going to miss all of this.
What, these? Oh I just brought them from home. Woot!
Kris Allen more than held his own with Keith Urban. A tens of millions selling recording artist. His voice and guitar pickin’ were both at times stronger and more confident than Mr. Kidman’s. And his body didn’t look so weird.
Kris straight up dominating Mr. Kidman
And why oh why, did Lil Rounds get her own song with Queen Latifah? Lil Rounds? Latifah? They’re both awful. My fast forward button was screaming I hit it so hard.
Lil Rounds and Latifah. Both in ill-fitting stretch pants.
And I can’t say enough about the awesomeness that was “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper and Allison Bringstheheta. It was great. I can’t wait to hear what Allison will do once she is in the recording booth and has hand-crafted album. I imagine that I will purchase it with actual American money.
Allison singing her face off. Cyndi Lauper showing me things I really don’t want to see.
And I loved when Adam and Kris were both singing with Queen (sidebar: Brian May REALLY needs to re-think his long, Kenny G afro-mullet. I’m sure it was a fantastic idea back in the ’70’s when they were a relevant band and Freddie Mercury had a really amazing overbite. But now? It looks kind of pathetic like.) Anyway, it was awesome when they were both singing “We Are the Champions” and saying to each other “Can you believe this? Queen? Us? Dry ice? Tomorrow this all goes away. Sure we’re going to be changed forever, but it all goes away.” They seemed genuinely happy.
Oh man, this sure is great. Hey, what’s up with dude’s hair?
Unlike Megan Joy who was trying to wrench every ounce of camera time into something…anything! I think she got home and realized how quickly people are forgotten on this show, and was determined to make the most of her limited time on camera. Also, her duet with oil rig guy and Steve Martin was actually kind of nice.
Actually, this wasn’t bad.
So congratulations and a long musical career to Kris. I think it’s significant to note that a local alternative radio station is already playing his “Heartless” and they HATE American Idol. That really kind of says something. I’m sure Adam will be successful as well. Back on Broadway. Actually I can’t wait to hear his album as well. And see how many people don’t actually buy it. It will be nice.
Dude. I’m shocked too.
Until next January!
