Just when I thought that Paula had finally found the right combination of prescription drugs, therapists and a genuine fear of Kara DioGuardi to finally awaken to some much needed lucidity, this week only saw the return of Psychotic Paula. Welcome back, you scary, two-headed monster. I knew that you were in there somewhere. FINALLY the question that‘s been on Emilio Estevez‘ and every twelve year old‘s mind has been answered. Answer: Paula keeps coloring books, crayons and countless other art supplies under her dress. You know, when she just has to make an attractive “thinking” hat, or an invitation to the dance party in her head, or when she has to write down the script that her intern and writer provides. “You‘re reliable, undeniable and justifiable” doesn’t just come out of that vacant dome of hers. I have six words for you. You are ridiculously crazy, and I, along with Kara, cannot count.
I have to say that I’m really enjoying the variety of decrepit old mentors they are trotting out this year. Last week, a 76-year old Randy Travis, and this week an ancient Smokey Robinson who is locked in mortal combat with Father Time. He refuses to give in to the old guy. Not only was he relevant more than 82 years ago, but his face has had so many lifts that he’s in a near constant state of surprise. It’s quite alarming. And don’t get me wrong, I like when one of the Godfathers of Motown dresses like he’s late for 7th Grade English class. I was starting to think that Smokey was hipper than a man 60 years younger, and then I watched the results show and saw him shuffle on out and “dance” like he had two broken hips and had missed his morning Metamucil. I’m calling it right now, next week’s guest mentor will be Frank Sinatra. Even though he’s dead, he’ll be able to bring some “raw inspiration” and “relative youth” to the proceedings.
Struggling to Close His Eyes. Can’t… Do…It
Performances That I Actually Remembered
Adam Lambert
This actually pains me to type. I ENJOYED the fact that Adam was flirting with the bottom 3 last week. It’s only a distant memory now. As this week, the gay vampire decided to became like one of those cockroaches that can adapt to any situation and he turned himself into the gay Elvis impersonator, and survives another day! With a form-fitting gray suit and enough Crisco in his hair to bake several cakes, he continues to give the female population hope that they can turn him straight. I’ve seen this man dance to the vocal stylings of Stevie Wonder, ladies. It’s not happening. However, Adam did take a cue from “How to Win American Idol 101″ by performing without the overly loud and overly sucky band, and had a couple of dudes accompanying him on stools and that one guy who plays the bongo on the ground thing. Doing that is straight money. Just ask Katherine McPhee who played “Black Horse and The Cherry Tree” with the drum on the floor guy a couple seasons ago and straight up catapulted herself into the Top Two. Well, played Screechy Screecherson. Obviously you’ve been watching previous seasons. He also decided to leave his slithering, screeching self at home and actually sang for the first time in the whole competition. I hate myself for saying this, but it was actually kind of good. What’s next? Is gravity going to suddenly disappear? Will mashed potatoes now taste better without gravy? I think I may need to take a few days to question my new reality.
The cockroach chamelon. You just can’t kill him.
Best exchange with the guest mentor:
Adam: “So what did you write this song about?” (Trying to get deep inside Smokey’s head.)
Smokey: “I thought, what if someone cried so much that they had actual tracks on their face.” Touches Adam’s face softly to demonstrate.
Adam: “Wow” (as if he had just discovered the secret ingredient in Kentucky Fried Chicken, or witnessed the creation of the Earth.)
Sorry Adam. Smokey apparently just isn’t that deep. (His name is “Smokey” after all. What, “Gaseous cloud” was taken?) Also, “Tears of a Clown” is really about a clown that he saw crying once. That’s it. No metaphors here, Adam.
Allison KeepBringingtheHeta
I really don’t know what else my favorite pink and red haired diva needs to do to get a little respect from Simon. Not only did he say that her excellent song last week was all part of a “terrible week”, but Allison finally gets the coveted pimp spot, she absolutely destroys “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” and instead of Simon giving her an additional few weeks of safety with some sincere complimentation about her “brilliance”, he instead decides to spend his time drawing a mustache on Paula. I realize that you’ve been sitting next to my favorite little punching bag for eight years now and that has to take a toll, but not even a “good job”? Nice. Especially when Kara was close to having an aneurysm she was so excited. It has to be disappointing when one of your favorites, Lil (“the best singer in this compeition) decided against having a moment of her own on what should have been a slam dunk night, but do you have to detract from BringstheHeta like that? Although I readily agree that mustache looks right at home on Abdul’s rather large upper lip, but couldn’t you have decided to paint her face during Blind Dude’s performance?
Looks very natural.
Photo Courtesy of ricky.org
Matt Giraud
I’m putting Matt in this category because of his vocal performance and NOT because of his overly tight jeans. Dude, if I wanted a closeup of your package, I would have gone on Adam’s Facebook page. But I suppose if you’re singing about “getting it on” you have to act like you mean it. To sum up, your vocal performance was excellent, and I even liked when you jumped away from the piano and scared the judges with the view of your thighs. Well played.
Giraud’s Girbauds
Just Aiiight
Danny Gokey
I thought you were pretty good again this week. I’ve always been a fan of the Gokey voice, even as it sometimes sounds too Michael McDonald-eque lately. Your problem was you picked an upbeat song. With this crappy band, everything upbeat sounds decidedly mediocre. I did like however, that you attempted to address your fumbling, funny footwork by jumping next to the back up singers and executing some highly difficult high school cheer motions. Bonus points for achieving a high level of cheese.
Anoop
No need for your last name anymore, Cup of Anoodles. I’ve always been a fan of this song even though it’s soooooo boooooring in stretches. We did get a chance to see you flex your vocal chords, and you proved once again that you can sing. I think it’s interesting that after singing two ballads in a row, the judges now want you to go back to “up-tempo” and “exciting.” Two words that almost got you kicked off during Michael Jackson week. Be like Danny when he ignored Smokey’s advice. Ignore them. All of them. They want to see you fail, especially that British one. The Brits have never liked Indians. I know, I read “The Jungle Book” once, and you’ll always be Mowgli to our little Simon.
Kris Allen
This week you were good. You strummed the guitar with passion and aggression. And you had the numbers from “Lost” on your shirt. I can’t remember which song you sang, however.
Suck-Worthy
Lil Rounds
If Adam did his homework, Lil Rounds did not. Apparently she has never watched this show before. Even my three-year-old knows that you stay far away from “Martha & The Vandellas.” At all costs. Jennifer Hudson, LaKisha Jones and I’m sure someone else have attempted this very same song and were soon chucked into the American Idol trash heap. Also, Lil is still having a hard time getting accustomed to all of this negative criticism. Especially on Motown night, with a new wig! Albeit a wig that looked it had just arrived two minutes before the show from Aunt Stank’s Horrendous Wig and Hair Covering Emporium. Really, couldn’t they spend a couple of bucks and get an actual weave from this century? I have no idea how much Scott’s pink pants cost, but they were infinitely more expensive than this dead cat. And I also think it’s great that they can extend the hair length of our female contestants at will and not expect us to notice. Wednesday: Lil has a shoulder length bob. Thursday: her Fantasia hair is back. Hey wait a minute, what’s going on here? Why would she spend a week growing her hair longer and then just cut it off a day later? As a 12-year old girl and an avowed David Archuleta fan I iz confuzed!
Yeah. It kind of looked like this.
Megan JOY
Hi, Megan. I like you. I enjoy seeing what hairstyle you’re going to come up with next and see if you’re going to wear a dress that shows off your A) legs or B) chest pillows. This week: legs. But if this week was an entree at Sizzler, it totally was NOT the malibu chicken. It was more like something with veal. I enjoyed Smokey’s critique of you, “She’s Sooooo…um…(looks to the sky)…pauses…DIFFrent!” ALWAYS a good thing, when they can think of nothing else positive to say. I also like that the contestants are catching on when Paula goes to the “You’re So Beautiful Tonight” card that they just roll their eyes and move on to Simon. Awesome. I was a little worried when you said you were relying on your “fans” to keep you safe, as I can’t figure out who your fans are besides people from Utah and your boy, Ryder Joy Corkrey. Oh, I bet that one blond chick who wore no shoes from Hollywood is voting for you. A lot. And apparently it worked. As you are inexplicably saved and not even in the Bottom Three. Either you DO have fans, or Vote for the Worst actually works.
Scotty Wonder
Oh boy. Where to start? From the Sideshow Bob hair to the pink pants to the horrendous rendition of another treacly song that sounds like something from “The Sunshine Generation” catalog, I am ready for our good friend Scott to take his excitement, enthusisasm and genuine positivity back home where it belongs. He does have an incredible knack for picking songs that are already boring and making them even worse. Kind of like if Steven Hawking were giving a lecture on the proper preparation of mushroom tortellini. It’s exciting while we’re waiting for the water to boil, but only because it’s fun to look at Steven’s shiny wheelchair with all of the electronic doo-dahs and black hole detectors. After about 15 seconds, it’s no longer fun, and oh yeah, the tortellini still tastes like crap. Hopefully America is starting to catch on as he FINALLY took his inspirational story to the Bottom Three. But I hope that Scott was watching listening closely to Stevie Wonder. The difference is that Stevie can actually sing. Even with his weird bald head and braids. Sidebar: I don’t recall him looking like that on Sesame Street thirty years ago.
High Five Him Home Already, Seacrest.
Oil Rig Boy
Ain’t To proud to beg, huh? This has been coming for a few weeks now, and was punctuated with Smokey essentially telling you that you were singing your song like a Girl Scout and that you needed to add some more “punch” and “manliness” to it. That’s got to be nice coming from a guy who can no longer close his eyelids. But the inevitable finally did arrive and swept Sarver off of the plush deck of the American Idol ship to the island of Sanjaya. At least he’ll be around for the tour, which will guarantee him at least three months of non-roughneck employment. Save your paychecks, though Sarver, because I can’t imagine entertainment being your career from here on out. Unless you drive that catering truck to job sites and sing “The sandwiches are here.” I could see that.
Ok. So hate may be a strong word, but “strongly dislike” doesn’t rhyme with Kate.
I was introduced to this show four seasons ago by my lovely wife. She LOVES it and really enjoys watching the daily struggles and tomfoolery of this madcap couple with one set of twins and one set of sextuplets (that’s Latin for sixtuplets.) I admit that it used to be fun to watch this family attempt to survive in a quicksand pit full of kids.
Body Language: Kate is currently verbally abusing. Jon is ducking for cover.
But NOW, this show has just become even more infuriating, and I can stand for it no longer. Jon & Kate, we were never dating, but if we were, this is why our relationship is now over.
- I Want to Punch Kate in the Throat
From her rooster haircut and ever crappier attitude, to her OBsession with cleaning and being mean, this lady is a train wreck with a capital CHOO CHOO. I understand that having eight children can be a stressful situation, but can you at least PRETEND to like your life when the cameras are on? During season one she seemed nice, a person, even. But ever since she cut her hair in alarmingly aggressive angles, her personality has started matching it. Go back to the hair you had when you got married, Kate. You were nice then. Even during the mind numbing interview portions she’s boring. And passive aggressive. And mean. Here is a recap of one entire half-hour show. That I actually WATCHED! (Int. of large house. Kate is busy cleaning. The children scamper in and out of the house. Kate yells at them. And still cleans. And then yells at them some more. And tells them to never set foot in her bedroom. Ever. Now back to cleaning.) By this time I was pouring Extra Strength Lysol into my own eyes. - This Show is Truly About Nothing
Forget Seinfeld. Shortly after watching the aforementioned episode, there was another episode where Kate spent 5 hours cleaning the refrigerator in their new palatial home. While she watched the kids play from the kitchen window. This was on television, people! - Liberate Jon Already!
Every episode, Jon looks like he wants to die or break things with his bare hands and make a break for it. I say we help to make this happen. Jon, call me. I’ve got an underground railroad for things just like this. (Call me Dorktrain Tubman.) I have already helped Bobby Brown get out from Whitney’s controlling thumb, and Nick Cannon just called me. So I can help you, brother. - They are Friends with Oprah
Of course this is because they have isolated themselves from all of their other friends with their lavish lifestyle and by Kate just being plain mean. You’ll notice that they never have episodes where they get a babysitter and have friends over. There also is hardly ever a mention of family or that strange phenomenon called “grandparents.” Probably because when they tried to come over and visit, they cleaned the kitchen incorrectly, and Kate had them placed in a Serbian circus as musk oxen handlers. - They are Walking Product Placements
I enjoyed this particular exchange in the season finale:
Jon: I have a lot of work to get done, so my insurance agent sent some stuff for me to look over. Camera pans to his computer screen and shows Jon moving the mouse up and down the Allstate website. Jon scrolls down the page. He scrolls up the page. We clearly see that it is the Allstate website. Jon continues to be swamped with “work to get done” and continues to scroll aimlessly. Dude, Allstate. I hope you didn’t pay too much for that blatant product placement. “The Biggest Loser” is more subtle with all of the crap they throw at their viewers. - They Are on a TV Show, Yet Don’t Like Fame
Well, at least Jon doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like that everyone knows his name or the fact that when he parties with college coeds, the interwebs picks it up and broadcasts it everywhere. He also doesn’t like his big new free house, his free new hair plugs and hairline, his free ski trips to Utah (twice!) or the fact that everytime they’re on the cover of “Good Housekeeping” he has to wear a freaking sweater. This dude is going to buy a gun soon. Soon, people. Kate however, loves all of this. That she can namecheck Oprah on her show, that she has a free new tummy, and that her “work” consists of bossing around a television crew that probably is over all of three days a month. - Jon Wants to Die
Every show. At least three times.
Goodbye, Jon & Kate and your 8. It has been fun. But I am going to move on to another large family. Even the Duggars aren’t nearly as annoying. (And they’re SUPER annoying.) Coincidentally, they’re also animatronic robots covered in wax, but I’m going to have to resort to them to get my large kid fix. Because Mrs. Duggar is never going to stop. Ever.
Filed under: Uncategorized
First and foremost, I have to get this off of my chest. What the freak is the Grand Ole Opry in the first place? And why is it so revered? I know that the official, very serious Seacrest Voiceover started to tell me in the intro, but all I saw was a bunch of black and white pictures, cowboy hats and Minnie Pearl and I couldn’t stop myself from fast forwarding. My finger pushed the button on it’s own accord, I swares!
It’s nice to see that two weeks in, we’re now firmly entrenched in the fluff that makes American Idol so great. Namely, guest judgery! And our first guest judge of this 2009 season, is someone called Mr. Randy Travis. And I only call him Mr. because of his:
- Impressive shock of curly hair that falls so playfully into his long, Lyle Lovett-esque face
- His huge freaking pythons. This old dude could whip up on me!
- His charming, deer in the headlights wife with a frightening platinum blond wig
- His overwhelming and apparent fear of Adam Lambert. Which i share. You go, RT!
The Guns of Randy Travis
Another question that’s been bothering me all night. On a night featuring country music songs, how the eff are you supposed to tell which song is “good” and which song is “not?” It’s like determining which type of leprosy is better. Is it the leprosy that makes your skin actually slough off of your body (good) or the kind that gives you sores and requires banishment to Molokai in the 1950’s (not)? It’s like picking the best way to die. When all is said and done, you’re still dead whether you burned or drowned. Country music is weird.
Interesting observation #1: you can always tell which contestants the guest judges are impressed with, and which ones they can’t wait to get away from. And RT was no exception. He could barely uncurl his lips from his huge gums as the disgust entered his body when certain singers performed and then went in for the awkward guest judge hug at the end. You could literally see his brain swirling as black nail polish Adam Lambert went in for the hug, and Redneck Randy was left to wonder how he was going to wash all of that gay off of him when he got home.
Garth Brooks Memorial Award for Sing-Songery
Anoop
After teetering on the precipice of doom last week, it appears that everyone’s favorite Slumdog Hundredaire is clawing his way back to the top of the heap. Attempting the previously “untouchable” “You Were Always on My Mind.” (Note to Kara: I used to like you, but now you are as annoying as your Cheryl Tiegs wings. Each and every week you seem to make Paula seem more and more sane. And this is simply unacceptable. Just so’s you know, Kara, this song has been attempted by everyone from Elvis, Brenda Lee, the freaking Pet Shop Boys to the second-worst Idol champion of all, Fantasia Barrino. I don’t think this QUITE qualifies for untouchable status, sweetheart. Please get back to pondering which artist is the most “commercial.”) Anoop, although looking visibly nervous, came out and sang his freaking face off. Easily the best vocal of the night, Randy. So suck it. Also, bonus points to the masters student for using the phrase “impetus” in his interview package. I don’t believe a word of that caliber has ever been uttered on this show. Hooray for edu-ma-cation.
Kara, THIS is untouchable
Kris Allen
I know, I can’t believe that I’m putting Kris in my top Three of the night either, I mean, he STILL spells his name like a chick, but I have to give him some respect for his “vulnerable” “restrained” take on whatever that song was that he sang. And you have to admit, the weird way that he was clutching the microphone made him come off as a skinnier, better-taste-in women, Nick Lachey clone. Not typically a good thing, but at this stage in the contest, resembling any person who has had a recording career EVER no matter how bad, only helps your cause.
Separated at birth?
Allison Ira-Shebringsthe-heta
What more can be said about my favorite, crazy Latina? She stalks the stage like a freaking pro, sings as if her life depends on it, and even with a crappy country song coming out of her mouth, STILL manages to make it a fun song to listen to. If I can drop a little Idol history on you, every year there emerges a dark horse candidate that you say to yourself, “Where the crap did they come from?” (Hello Elliot Yamin and David Freaking Cook) I don’t need to remind you that this time last year, David Cook was a self-described nerd who in his pre-song package was extolling the virtues of crossword puzzles. Crossword puzzles? You couldn’t also mention that you like to use hot pads when you retrieve warm entrees out of the oven? Apparently my grandma is hard rock as well, because she enjoys dominating a nice crossword puzzle on a Sunday afternoon. And this guy came from out of nowhere to WIN! I’m calling it right now. Shebringstheheta will finish third. Mostly because her hair is a non-classified shade of red, and I can’t stand it when she talks.
Matt Giraud
Ok, here it is. When Matt Giraud gets over himself for just a second, he can straight up sing. I get that he has to use the piano to really bring out his voice, but here are two performances in a row now where he has done “brung it.” And with the exception of some shaky parts in both, he’s freaking good. Compare him to Michael Buble’ or Justin Timberlake or whoever, but Giraud is one to watch. At least I hope so. Because you know the minute he starts to decline into ”mediocre” territory, Kara will rip into him like he just snatched the sweater off of her chihuaha. I worry for him if that happens, because she seems like she can be straight up mean, y’all.
Disappointed that he hasn’t won yet
Travis Tritt-esque
You know how Travis Tritt is an ok singer (I guess) but you wouldn’t know it, because the whole time you’re just looking at his hair. Like HOW did that mess of Sasquatch come to be on that man’s head? And is it a mullet, or just one really long split end? It’s downright distracting.
Dude, what IS that on your dome?
As are these singers.
Alexis Grace
Grrrrr. I didn’t think your take on “Jolene” was all that bad. To me from you, it sounded aiiight. But I don’t understand why you’re so desperate to move forward in this competition that you’re saying crazy things like, “If I make it through to next week, I’ll bring the dirty next time.” I don’t understand this. Why don’t you just bring some good singing? Leave the dirty to Simon’s t-shirt. (For a multi-millionaire, that dude sure does dress like a Mumbai street kid. 2nd Slumdog reference in a row, and I STILL haven’t seen this movie!)You are better than this, Ms. Grace. Even your kid thinks so. She told me.
Danny Gokey
With his rendition of “Jesus Take the Wheel” Danny seemingly has given the finger to the 17 atheists that have carried him this far in the competition. That’s fine, Danny. We’ll see how you fare tonight. Because since the “Atheists for Gokey” don’t spend any time praying to an unseen God, they have even more time to dial those phones on Tuesday nights. I think that may hurt you in the long run, buddy, but it’s your choice to go all inspirational on us. He did an ok job, with what I’m sure he was hoping would be an “uplifting and relevant” metaphor for his life thus far. And really, as much as I hate to side with Simon, the creamy half-trench that adorned his torso really did make it difficult to focus on his vocals because he looked so…bloated and belted. Like a grape wearing a seatbelt or something. I wasn’t aware that StormTrooper chic was back in, but I’m going to have to dig up my plastic shoulder pads. By the way, Randy Travis doesn’t have a lot of love for Danny. Screw up that many times in rehearsal, and Randy’s curly locks start shaking with disgust automatically.
Little Rounds
This one was ugly. The way the judges treated her was kind of like watching a wolf turn her back on her young. (Simon pretending not to know your name!) Even though you know it’s for her own good, and that it was coming the whole time, you still want to tell that callous wolf mother to turn back. Turn back! Your wolf cub is crying up there! Up to this point, Ms. Rounds has gotten nothing but rainbows and unicorns from the judges and got to smugly sit in the wings while other, less round contestants got slathered in criticism. I say, it’s been a long time coming. She may blame it on the fact that she was “honoring” country music, but I blame it on the fact that it takes her whole face to sing a song, and often when she’s yelling singing that I fear for all of the little children. On the earth.
And what is up with putting Ms. Rounds in a freaking tube dress every. Single. Week??? I know that she may be a challenge to cover as she has more curves than Lombard Street, but give the girl a chance. She CAN wear jeans, or a nice jacket. I’m sure that even Danny could loan her a trenchcoat or four. You’re killing me stylists! And hot pink! Are you trying to get her kicked off for being visually offensive?
Tube Dress
Ok, not a tube dress but still offensive
Hot pink tube dress. Oh, and tears. (Probably because she is channeling Molly Ringwald in ANY John Huston film)
And p.s. Randy, your suggestion that she sing “I Will Always Love You” is about one of the stupidest things I’ve heard since you ripped on what’s her name for singing a “band” song. Since Whitney took that Dolly Parton song and broke it over her knee in 1992, no one can touch it. Not even Rounds. The Randy Dumb Idea count is now up to about 112 this season. Actually, Number 113 was your scarf on results night.
Free Pass!
Megan Joy Corkrey
Hi Megan. I don’t know if it’s because you were sick or what, but what happened to your last name? Are you tired of everyone searching for “Megan Corky” on Google instead of CorkREY? Did you get word of my critiques on your Cokrey Corkscrew™. Do you know how much it costs to get a freaking trademark these days? I don’t just select it from a menu of special characters! Oh no, I filed paperwork and legal briefs and all kinds of crap! What am I supposed to do now? The Megan Joy Jumparound? The Joyful Jazzercicle? See? I’m screwed now. Thanks, Megan! I give you about three more weeks before you pull a Fantasia (ne’ Barrino) and drop your last, middle name all together. Good luck to anyone hoping to find you on the Interwebs.
Anyway, in case you didn’t hear, Ms. Megan was sick tonight, y’all. And I wouldn’t have known it, except everytime she wasn’t singing, she was coughing or looking pathetically miserable, or Kara was reminding all of us that she has influenza B. Which I then looked up. And if you didn’t know, B comes after A in the alphabet, so it’s pretty bad. She was also in the hospital, but apparently got well enough at show time to put on a dress that seemingly was attached only to her twins and nothing else. I think I sensed a twinge of jealousy from Adam that she looked much better than him in the evening gown portion. She sang “Walking After Midnight” and thankfully this week didn’t “caw” after her performance. Maybe if she had been feeling a little more spry. As she will receive a free pass, I wonder how soon until Sarver starts to develop symptoms. Which brings me to…
Billy Ray Cyrus Wants His Vocal Stylings Back
Michael Sarver.
So, this category is reserved for two decidedly nice dudes, that just really can’t sing a freaking lick. I mean at this point in the game, they’re the Toledo Mud Hens playing the Atlanta Braves. Or Brian Orser competing against Brian Boitano. It’s just not going to happen dude. And I appreciate Michael wearing another choker, but it caused me to wonder how he’s managing to breathe during all those country fried lyrics he needed to spit out.
You’ll never be THIS, Sarver!
To try to distract us from the actual vocal, or that he has now adopted the annoying habit of keeping the beat with his fingers on the microphone, he brought in a harmonica player who looked like he was actually playing! Which caused me to ruminate: where do they find these people? Craigslist? They put out an ad looking for a really ridiculously good harmonica player that is NOT Taylor Hicks? And WHO practices the harmonica for years hoping to be called up on the big idol stage? I’ve been thinking about this one for two days now and it’s driving me crazy. Oh, yeah, sorry Sarver, but you should be headed back to the oil rig any time now.
Visually Impaired Johnson
Hi Scott. Again, you’re a nice guy, and I really would like to hang out with you sometime and play “Battleship” or something like that. But your thin voice just can’t handle the level of competition that you’re at. I can see the judges slowly starting to turn their back on you and it makes me sad. What with Paula and her comments about you leaving the piano behind. And you would then do what, just like, sing? With your voice? Not a good idea. And what does she want you to do, maybe do some choreography as you prance around the stage like some sort of epileptic ocelot? Stick with the piano brother, and start practicing for your gig at the mall.
At least will you TRY the hot tub this week?
Also, did anyone catch the part where Lil was all talking about “oh yeah, it’s fun at the mansion, we swim in the pool and take dips in the hot tub, and order Wienerschnitzel like every night” and Scott talks about his time at the mansion and it’s all “If I’m not sleeping, I’m practicing, playing and arranging.” Homeboy has no time to even eat! And no one to lead him around the house so he stays at the piano for like 12 hours a day! This is cruel and unusual. Please America, send his can home! Also, I’m still waiting for the Ford commercial where he’s the one driving the new Focus. Come on!
Who Should Be Dipped in Batter and Deep Fried, Never to be Heard From Again
Adam Lambert
Adam. Hey buddy. Uh… I’ve got to tell you that I’m siding with Randy Travis and Simon on this one. WHAT exactly are you? I can understand not wanting to sing a straight up country song, and I can certainly understand finding a cool Jeff Buckley arrangement, because after all, that was the David Cook lifeblood during his 14 weeks on stage. But let’s talk about your skeevy performance, homobre. The leering eyes, and the weird pointing and your body covered in nothing but Hot Topic. It’s like watching an episode of America’s Most Wanted and recognizing your next door neighbor. Creepy. I’m also CONVINCED that you are not 26. No way. You’re 33 if you’re a day, and all of your base and foundation is covering up your crow’s feet and “Tiffany–Mall Tour–1986″ Tattoo on your neck. I’m convinced! If you could go away soon, that would be awesome. Because every time you pierce the sound barrier with your tonsils, I know that somewhere in the world a kitten is forced to hurl itself off of a bridge. I happen to like kittens. So please, shut your mouth.
Soooo NOT 26. But vampires apparently don’t age
The Verdict
Ok, so I’ve got to say that I’m a lot bit shocked that Alexis Grace is the one leaving. And that we STILL have not seen a freaking judge’s save! I guess since they only get ONE for the WHOLE Year, they need to save it. Like when Paula saved her Grammy, just so she could show it to the producers to GET this job. I’m Paula Abdul and this is my Grammy. Where do I sit? Saving things is a good thing sometimes. After making a fool out of Alexis by constantly telling her to dip herself in grime, you then leave her off of the tour bus? Did you not hear the tour is pretty much three months of debauchery and singing and watching Scott “arrange” on the bus? (At least, according to Carly Smithson.) You’re cold, judges.
Random Musings
I finally figured it out. Being a member of the Grand Ol’ Opry means that you always have to sing from now on with a weird microphone stand that says “Grand Ol’ Opry” on it. Totally not worth it.
How long do you think it will be before they dye Iraheta’s hair to something actually in the color spectrum? I don’t think my eyes can actually process whatever color her hair currently is. Willy Wonka plurple?
Randy Travis is not very good at pretending to play the guitar, but Carrie Underwood can SANG. She would have done GREAT on this show.
Apparently our American Idol is going to be full of shocking twists this year. Jamar Rogers and Felicia Barton aren’t even given a chance to be on the show when the craptastic Tatiana of the Bulls and Norman Gentle ALMOST make the Top 12. Once promising judge Kara DioGuardi now finds a way every week to make Paula Abdul seem more like a human being. (Albeit a human being with limbs like a penguin and a brain no larger than a baby’s fist.) And in the most shocking twist of all, the judges now are able to “save” their favorite contestant if America actually has the audacity to VOTE them out! What’s next? Witty, homophobic banter between Seacrest, Simon and Adam Lambert? Yes.
Sorry buddy
It’s not bad enough that the judges handpicked more than 1/3 of this year’s Top 12 in about fourteen seconds and stuffed it with cannon fodder like Jasmine and Matt Giraud’s collections of hats. But NOW they can simply reverse the decisions made eight year old girls and their hard working digits. I don’t know if you know, but it takes hours and hours of dedication and all ten fingers to vote for David Archuleta from your playgroup! They can’t just undo all of that work.
Actual American Idol Voters
What do you think would have happened if they had “saved” Jennifer Hudson or Chris Daughtry when they got sent home “too early?” Well I’m no prognosticator, but it’s easy to imagine that they would have joined fellow winners Taylor Hicks and Fantasia Barrino as performers at Six Flags Magic Mountain. With two shows on Saturday. As much as we love seeing who wins this show, it’s almost better not to win. (Hi Ruben Studdard. How’s your couch?) So I’m not sure if this whole “saving” idea is such a good thing. Especially after witnessing how the judges think. I mean, did you SEE what Randy was wearing? I don’t trust any dude who lives in LA with that many sweaters.
Randy. A sweater. A match made in heaven.
So after the revelation of this “shocking” new rule, do you think we would get to see it unleashed upon our unsuspecting contestant? Nope. Maybe in three weeks when America decides that it doesn’t want to be tongue and tonsil whipped again by another Adam Lambert ‘song’ and votes him out. Don’t worry, Lamby! Paula will save you, your pancake makeup and swap meet truckload of pirate jewelry! Edgy!
Not that you asked, but I’m grading this rule change a D+ because I’m feeling generous. A better rule would have been to have the final two singers face off in a cage while Anoop sings “Beat It.” Incorporate that and I’ll move the grade up to a solid B. Speaking of grades, how did the singers do this week?
Well after saying that singers shouldn’t attempt songs by “iconic” singers like Michael Jackson, our first theme night is Michael Jackson. I was actually hoping to catch a glimpse of Billie Jean’s non-lover, but apparently with a live show there was danger of his Silly Putty nose falling off in the heat of the lights. So he stayed home in Dubai, where I’m sure he watched the show in his Snuggee, with a collection of ShamWow’s for when he got emotional by his side, and his son Blanket on his lap. Just like I did.
Michael. Blanket.
First out of the gate was Lil Rounds who must have fallen out of favor with the producers to have become the first singer of the night. That or they were a little angry with her for not listening to her court appointed stylist and stealing her outfit from a tuxedo shop and Jr. Prom supply store.
I’m sensing a high note.
She sang “The Way You Make Me Feel” a favorite of mine. But if the song was any indication, the way you make me feel is all squoogy inside from your uninspired vocal. However, we all know you’re not going anywhere. For at least 7 weeks. Until the judges SAVE you! AAAAGGHH! Lil Rounds. The Round Mound of Rebound.Grade: FAIL
I can’t remember the order anymore, so I’ll go with the Alabama Slamma Kris Allen. I have actually learned his name this week because how can you forget the wails of despair from the studio audience when they realized he was married? I don’t think that many female pre-pubescent dreams have been smashed since Adam Lambert was seen making out with a dude on the interwebs.And I’m not sure that Kris’s wife knew what she was getting into. She seemed none too happy when Simon pointed out that she should have stayed hidden until he could build a bigger fanbase. Just like how Kris Angel did it. Wait…they totally spell their names the same! He did a pretty good job singing his selection even though the crappy band drowned out his guitar strumming. Grade: B- and safe for another week, although I’m sure his votes were WAY down. I don’t think you’ll be seeing his wife in any more “get to know Kris packages”
In case you don’t know. He looks like this.
Allison Iraheta. Not only did chick sing one of my favorite songs (I like any song that Simon doesn’t know) but she totally took it out back and beat that song into submission. Allison and her furniture store singing self has quickly climbed her way into my top two. Grade: A
Allison. And her new bangs.
Alexis Grace. Even though they were running late and she had all of two minutes to sing and receive her critiques, I thought she did a great job with “Dirty Diana.” I was more impressed with her than the judges were, and it’s no surprise that she picked that song. Remember, she had to “dirty herself up” a little bit. What was she going to pick, “Heal the World”? Yeah. And Seacrest still has a chance with Teri Hatcher.Grade: A-
Just in case you forgot. She IS a single mom. Remember?
Matt Sarver. Much better this week than the past few. He actually looked like he belonged. However, he and his collection of leather chokers will be leaving the show soon enough. Just as soon as the state of Texas stops calling. Grade: C+
Jasmine Murray. In case you forgot, she’s only sixteen. So she sang a song that 8-year old Michael made famous by singing “ABC.” I’m still not sure what this song means, but she sure sounded like she was singing a nursery rhyme. Luckily, she has impressive cheekbones, a strong hairline and she looks good in fuchsia. I think she might have a career on a Princess Cruise ship near you soon. Grade: D sharp.
Jorge Nunez. I was so bored during this song and all of the inserted vibrato, that I started contemplating things. Like why does a hummingbird flap it’s wings so quickly? What would Jorge look like as a hummingbird? What would make me crack in an interrogation first: having to see Paula Abdul when she first wakes up, or listening to Jorge murder a collection of songs? I still haven’t decided. FAIL
I’m pretty sure this is Jorge.
Adam Lambert. Dude. You’re just scary. From your selection of song, “Black or White” (? Seriously? You have all sorts of Michael Jackson classics, and you pick “Black or White”? ) To his pounds of stage makeup that he stole from the production of “Wicked” to his carefully sculpted emo bangs, I don’t like Adam Lambert. At all. Especially when Paula weeps as if he was “Free Willy” washed up on the beach, and she is the only person on earth that can see or save him. I don’t get what’s so great about him. Kind of like the move “The Goonies.” Everyone loves that movie except me. I even looked up Adam on the YouTubes just to see if he sang better back then. If you like listening to kittens wearing eyeline as they are slowly strangled, then Adam is your guy.FAILY VON FAILERSON
Even scarier when he cocks his head like that. We’re all going to die!
Danny Gokey. Still one of my favorites even though for a church music director, you’d think he’d have more rhythm. Lurching and bopping around the stage, not quite sure if he wanted to put that hand in his pocket or leave it out, it was kind of painful to watch. Still a good vocal though, and I enjoy seeing what pair of eyeglasses he’s going to wear every show. I’m calling it right now, that he’ll soon be doing commercials for RayBan. A-
Megan Corkrey. Oh Megan. Where to begin. Again, I need to specify that you and me are neighbors so I’m rooting for you. But when you have the entire Michael Jackson canon to select from and you choose “Rockin’ Robin”, I’m slowly starting to leap off of your train. It’ s kind of like being able to choose from steak or lobster and you opt for Cheerios instead. The first bite is good and it brings back great memories of being a kid, but after about twelve seconds, you realize you could have had surf and turf and you kind of kick yourself in the head. Luckily the stylists are doing a bangup job with her “quirky image” and she should survive another few weeks on good lookin’ fumes. Grade: B
Look what lighting can do.
Blind Dude. Yes. He played the piano. Woo hoo. It gave one more thing for the judges to talk about besides his molten lava suckage vocals. Even hiding behind a piano can’t hide the fact that the blind guy with his finely turned ears cannot sing! A lick! I can sense the judges beginning to turn on him as they realize that their moment of charity needs to come to an end. Soon. On the bright side, maybe he can be cast in the “Twilight” sequel when his journey is done. He’s got the teeth for it. Grade: D
Matt Giraud. One of my favorites this week. Not only is “Human Nature” one of my favorite songs, but he was able to make it sound good and back up a little bit of his cocky nature. Although the last part with all of the Ooh, ooh’s was just a little bit too much. Beginning grade: A+, ooh oohs: C-
Anoop Desai. Selected “Beat It” which after Fall Out Boy’s superior cover may have been a mistake. However Anoop is still a favorite, and you’ll notice they didn’t indicate who actually was in the bottom? I think they’re trying to trick us Idol viewers into thinking that he was actually capable of being voted off this week. When in reality, he probably got more votes than most people. At least, that’s what I’m choosing to tell everyone.Grade: B-
Stylist? Wha…?
So it was really no surprise that Jasmine was sent packing. For once, it appears that America got it right. And it also appears that the judges got it wrong in selecting Jasmine to even be in this stage of the competition. In a scene that reminded me of high school, Jasmine sang her song at lunch and the judges (or cool kids) decided if they wanted to keep her in their clique. After some brief deliberation she was told to actually go home. So she either smells like cat litter, or Paula realizes that snubbing Felicia Barton for a life-size Disney character was finally a mistake.
Oh yeah. Jorge went home too. Or The Latin experiment gone horribly wrong. Which means next year, they’re probably going to hold tryouts in Canada to boost viewership up north. They won’t stop until they’ve invaded every climate and ethnic peoples. Like the Romans. If they sang.
Also, this week begins the first round of the Dorktrain™ American Idol Brackets. Leave me your email address in the comments if you would like to play, and I will send you a bracket to fill out. I’m talking to you, lone reader.
THESSSSSSSE are your final American Idol contestants! Already two months in on our ”Idol Journey” and we’ve finally managed to whittle down the chaff from 106 hopeful, bright-eyed aspirants with dreams of stardom to the final twelve road hardened, battle-scarred professional singers before us whose every action and statement is now available for all to see on the Internets. This, my friends is what makes this silly little show so powerful. That you can take a blubbering, psychotic girl from Puerto Rico who probably grew up in a basement with no one to keep her company except a family of imaginary cats because she has absolutely no barometer for just how annoying she is, and turn her into a blubbering, psychotic girl who took away the Wild Card spot of an actual singer, Felicia Barton! But really, I’m over it. These past few weeks as I’ve watched a chainsaw be taken to the top 36, and witnessed people’s dreams flit away as quickly as you can add an apostrophe to Ju’not Jones name to instantly make him more of a “package artist”, we have arrived at the final 13 (not really that shocking of a twist.) The 13 individuals that will be haunting my television for the next three months.
I have to admit that I’ve been a little bit disappointed in the whole process up to now. One disadvantage of actually SEEING what happens in Hollywood week is becoming attached to all of the road kill along the way. RIP Jamar Rogers! Matt Breitzke and Norman “I’m going to sing Dreamgirls EVERY. CHANCE. I. GET” apparently were superior vocalists to you, even though you have an unusually good voice, wear your caps cocked jauntily on your head, have a pierced cheek for extra power, more screen time than Alexis Grace and Kris Allen combined, AND is bestest friends with this years savior, Danny Gokey. However, after seeing how nearly impossible it is to advance from 36 to 12 without massive help from the producer pimp-age (I’m talking to you, Adam Lambert the Vampire, Lil “Everything on Me Is” Rounds, and Jorge “We Spent all this Money going to Puerto Rico, So We’re Getting SOMETHING Out of It, Even You” Nunez, you’re probably better off. At least you didn’t make it through to get your big chance and waste it singing freaking Meat Loaf. Really, Nathaniel, really? After claiming that “you want this so bad, it’s on your skin” you break out a Meat Loaf song? I hope that you, your skin, and your enjoyable headbands and skeevy lower neck tattoo will enjoy serving me at the Sizzler this weekend. Because I’m getting all-you-can-eat shrimp, y’all!
But on to the Wild Card Round and your Top Twelveteen! Does it seem strange to anyone else that America was not allowed to vote in the first place? And that Simon admitted that they’re trying to “cast” the show with non-boring people? I forget sometimes that this isn’t actually a singing contest, but is instead a huge machine that manufactures dollars in large barrels as they fall from the sky. Especially with the “deliberation” portion taking roughly the same amount of time as a Target commercial and a “24″ promo. So here they are, your pre-determined finalists!
Who Will Not Win
1. Alexis Grace – Single Mom, has a “blue-sy” voice (quickly becoming the most over-used phrase this year right after “pitchy” and “blew it out tha box!”) Was told to “dirty up her look” and promptly cut her hair like a soccer mom and inserted hot pink streaks. I’m guessing if this is what you do to make yourself drrty, that the only thing dirty about you is your mini-van probably. Christina Aguilara would be ashamed.
2. Michael Sarver – In case you have forgotten, he works on “oll rigs” as a “roughneck.” Which from what I have surmised entails taking a big metal thing and hitching it to another metal thing. But apparently it’s dangerous because you have to wear a hard hat. Michael is nice, and has a family that he is hoping to support by becoming a famous singer. Unfortunately he cannot sing. And the last time I applied as a roughneck on my local oil rig, I believe that salaries were around $28 an hour. Plus hazard pay on top of that. My back of the envelope math concludes that Mr. Sarver is supporting his family just fine.
3. Jorge Nunez – Apparently Jorge graduated from the Mark Anthony School of OverSinging, and clearly never met a run or a vibrato that he didn’t like. Anyone remember the tryouts in Puerto Rico? Yeah me either. But I believe they gave out a total of 8 golden tickets. 8. Even freaking Utah had three times that number with only 1 Osmond participant. It’s safe to say that the Rico was a bust. It’s also safe to say that Idol is looking to boost their Latino viewership this year, and they need to justify that trip over the summer, so welcome Jorge. With the judges falling all over themselves to say how wonderful his warbly vocals were, he’ll obviously be around for a few more weeks. Because what the world needs most is another Mark Anthony or future member of Menudo–the Older Version! Ay Papi!
4. Kris Allen – Who? Oh yeah, the dude that spells his name with a K. Proving once again that dudes with female spellings are never to be trusted. I’m talking to you, Jamie Foxx. Give us one Oscar worthy performance and then a movie like “Stealth”. Not to be trusted.
5. Jasmine Murray – Ok, look. She’s attractive and all, and if I were in high school, I would totally be toilet papering her house and throwing notes at her in multiplication class (the highest level of math I ever attained) and yes, we’re constantly reminded that she’s “only 17, what?” Thank you, Randy. However, I was originally impressed with Jasmine during the first few rounds, but after viewing the crap she submitted during her original night and the Wild Card round proves that the judges are “casting” for a little more affirmative action. Especially since they didn’t give Jamar Rogers a chance. Even though her weave is a-mayzing, she will be the first one voted off.
Who Could Go Farther
6. Matt Giraud – Yes, he does have some skills, but when Simon compares you to his most hated American Idol champion ever, Taylor Hicks, your time is probably short. Especially since Matt has now been pigeonholed as “bluesy and soulful” (see Exhibit A: Alexis Grace) and whenever he veers away from anything recorded before 1969 outside of Motown, he will be promptly raked over the coals by Kara. “Where’s my bluesy Matt?” she will declare as she menacingly hunches over the microphone and her eyes become two dark balls of fire. Good luck there, buddy. I enjoyed Matt during the Hollywood round, but he seems to be a little bit cocky already even though he just barely made it! By the skin of his hat brim! I’ll be watching you closely from my couch, Giraud. Me and Jasmine Murray after Week 1.
7. Megan Corkrey – I am leaving out the “Joy” in her name on purpose because Paula pointed out that she “has joy, just like her name!” Once I heard that I busily started looking for something, anything with which to shoot my own self squarely in the face. I am repping for Ms. Corkrey, because we’re both from Utah, and she named her son Ryder, not Corky (like I TOTALLY would have done) and she totally OWNS when she starts doing the Corkrey Corkscrew Dance™ (Patent pending) even though it way freaks me out. Her voice is kind of weird and different, and it is apparent that she is only acquainted with about 4 or 5 notes, especially the ones that end in “aaaah.” However, I think she’ll go far, because unlike last year’s tattooed wonder, she’s actually attractive, so she can get away with some spooky body ink. Hopefully she will up her game when it comes to actually singing, and I will be able to see her doing cute duets with the blind dude. Which brings me to…
8. The Blind Dude – I totally don’t even know this guy’s name and I don’t want to. In fact, I heard that some guy named Scott made the Top 12 and I was all “who? Oh yeah. The blind dude.” Look buddy, if you’re going to use a physical impairment to differentiate yourself, then I am going to refer to that physical impairment. You hear me, Psychotic Fluctuating Accent Diva? I would like to let everyone in on a little secret here and now about the blind dude. Are you ready? Ok, here it comes. Um… DUDE CAN’T SING! Like, at all! Like, he’s horrendous! His instrument is horribly thin and whispery and he couldn’t even blow out that whiny single “Mandolin Rain” that was kind of good 15 years ago, but even Bruce Hornsby won’t go near it now. I think he’s a really nice guy, and I think the smiley dude that walks him out is going to be an absolute STAR. (You mark my words, there’s going to be an article about the dude that walks him out in People magazine any week now. Write it down!) But my white fro’d brother cannot sing. To quote Kara, he does not have the chops to make it this far. Even the judges can’t be mean to him, because they don’t want to critique the “inspirational blind guy” and it’s great for ratings. It’s going to be ugly when they turn on him. Absolutely ugly. Like his dancing.
9. Adam Lambert – Please, vampire boy. Shut your mouth. Please. I don’t consider your style of singing even singing. It’s more like melodic yelling while you stick your tongue out at me. If I wanted to see that, I would watch a documentary on New Guinea. I know you’re trying to convince everyone that you’re straight by going for that Twilight Edward vibe, but lots of gay dudes watch the show and have telephones. So you’ll be alright for a few weeks. Especially during creepy Andrew Lloyd Webber week, which I’m sure they’ll bring back, so you can shine! I dislike you and your carefully manicured mop of hair. Please go away.
10. Allison Iraheta – Hopefully they’ll let her sing Heart every week and not speak to Ryan ever. When she talks to Ryan, it is apparent that she is a pink-haired teenager. However, once she sings big songs, it is apparent that she has some freaking pipes. She will stick around until she becomes just too plain annoying.
Who Could Win with Careful Producer Manipulation
11. Anoop Desai – Currently my personal favorite of the bunch. ‘Noop Dawg obviously isn’t taking this too seriously, and he has some serious skillz behind the mic. Any dude that can take on “My Prerogative” and actually make it sound cool and fresh definitely deserves to be on my TV set every week. Please don’t let them ruin you, Noopy.
12. Lil Rounds – Real name: Lillian Roundzettastein. Oh where to start. I don’t know what’s more sad. The fact that you live in a hotel room with your four children and husband, that you have have four kids at the age of 23, or that the producers are so in love with you that they have single handedly crowned you the winner already. I’ve got two words for you, Lil. Melinda Doolittle. As you may recall, Melinda Doolittle was a mortal lock for the championship until she was freight trained by Blake Lewis and Jordin Sparks because she was too busy soaking up the adoration to pull out anything interesting. Just sayin’. I will admit that you have a voice, and if you hadn’t been crammed down my throat at every step of the competition I might actually like you more. So, enjoy your run up to Semifinal Week.
13. Danny Gokey – From what’s left of Hollywood Week, he remains a favorite. Until he, or American Idol, or one of his acquaintances shoves his dead wife in my face again. Like, hey remember guys, I’ve experienced some tragedy, so I need to be a popular singer! We know dude. Just like we remember that Tatiana is an annoying person with multiple personalites, we remember this about you. I like Danny, he seems like a nice guy, and it’s got to be incredibly tough to be on American Idol seven months after your wife dies, but dude, they have this show every year. You could have tried out NEXT year. He’s got a great voice though, and I love what he did to “I Hope You Dance” in Hollywood. Like I would have bought that version RIGHT THEN. I’m sure we’ll be seeing many different pairs of designer glasses on the Goke this year. I can’t wait.
Who Should Go Away Forever
1. Tatiana of the Bulls – Thanks for bringing her back just to sing the same song again, and to rant incessantly. I’m blaming this one squarely on the shoulders of Paula Abdul and those that run the show. Her last performance and interview was like getting a close-up look into the mind of a serial killer. Educational, yet horrifically frightening.
2. Randy Jackson – Your “insight” continues to get more and more comical. Just like your collection of strange sweaters. Bill Cosby called, and even he’s offended.
