Filed under: Cool Things
8. Cloverfield
Yes. the camera is herky jerky. You can thank the the “Bourne” series and Paul Greengrass for that. Although if I was running around New York filming EVERYTHING, I’m sure that it would look better with a Steadicam or a tripod and the large, unfortunate dude behind the Handicam didn’t have one of those. However, even though everyone in this particular film was attractive, and there’s NO WAY they could have afforded that loft apartment where the party took place, even with hotshot’s new job in Japan, I enjoyed it. Even the ending. Even the weird looking monster thing. I thought it was awesome, and gave you a different perspective of the whole Godzilla story which has been played out for over 60 years.
7. MLS Soccer
Make fun of me all you want, callous reader, but soccer may officially be here to stay in America. For at least another four or five years until jai alai makes it’s way from Miami. I attended my first MLS game with my hot wife this year and it was fun. Even though it rained the entire game, they still played. That is why soccer and football are the best sports in the world. Unlike those royal pansies that suspend play in baseball when there’s a whiff of moisture in the air, and then hurry to cover up their dirt paths and bases with a giant tarp; soccer players play on regardless. Now if they could just stop faking injuries, only to have a trainer run out with magical spray that makes everything better, we’d really have something. It ALSO helped that Real Salt Lake was actually a good team this year. Sure, they have the dumbest team name in all of American sport behind the freaking Utah Jazz, but they almost made it to the MLS cup finals. With a guy that was on the team roster last year coaching them.
6. Blackout–by Britney Spears
Ok, yes. She is a train wreck. And no, I am not a gay man. But there is something strangely compelling about watching someone slowly spiral down the drain at the tender age of 25 that is fun to watch. Miley Cyrus, hopefully you and your smoker’s voice are next. This album is so great because she finally threw her doped-up hands in the air and was all, “Screw it, I can’t sing without the aid of a computer and some of the most expensive producers that money can buy, y’all, and I’m done pretending. Oh yeah, I also refuse to promote this album or even tour for it because I’m currently shaving my head and punching photographers with umbrellas.” But there’s just something about her quaint little robot music that is inherently fun to listen to. Yes, she’s about as deep as a rain puddle when it comes to song writing. Her writers have diligently cranked out a few selections of pablum that even a junior high English class could have improved (Get Naked? Perfect Lover? Seriously? What are you, 12? Even Sisqo had deeper songs than this!) and her voice is about as pure as a tub of Country Crock, but it does happen to be a pretty great collection of electronic boops and beeps for working out to. If you enjoy that.
5. The Amazing Race
Consistently one of the best shows on the TeeVee each and every year. Not only is it like, stressful watching people battle for positions on airplanes and berate their taxi drivers that seemingly never have an idea of where they’re going, but it’s also fun to see how clumsy, loud Americans from different parts of the country stumble and bumble their way through some very random countries. For example, everyone SPEAKS LOUDER when their hapless taxi drivers don’t understand what little hole in the wall they need to travel to next. And invariably when they reach the small monastery on top of a mountain where a local monk hands them an envelope with their next clue in the race, they rip it open and don’t even give a word of thanks to the poor guy or acknowledge him further. I can almost hear him saying, “I’m only doing this show so the orphans can have porridge…Holy crap, look at the size of that guy!” Also, host Phil Keogan’s eyebrows could have their very own show. If that’s not enough, the most recent season featured a competitor named Star and another competitor that had the hots for her by the name of Dallas. It’s fun to imagine if they were to get married, as they would have the same name as a hockey team, the Dallas Stars. How often does that happen? Not often. Except for those of you that may know my friends Nashville and Red Wing.
4. The Super Bowl. ‘08 Edition
Consistently, this game is a yawner. However the 2008 edition actually lived up to it’s title. It featured everything you look for in a big, exciting event where the commercials are usually more entertaining than the “game” on the field. It featured perhaps the world’s evilest team (right behind the Raiders of any era) with a boyishly handsome quarterback and an even more evil coach that everyone is SURE is going to win. (The undefeated Patriots.) Couple them against a ragtag bunch of accumulated players with a coach who almost got fired the year before and a starting quarterback that looks like he’d be more at home in a duck blind at the top of a tree in Kentucky then flinging a football around. Throw in some excitement in the fourth quarter and you’ve got a GAME to remember, my friends. Needless to say, when the NY Giants pulled off what is arguably the upset of the last several DECADES, punctuated by David Tyree’s 3rd down catch off of the top of his helmet as he simultaneously fell to the ground with the arrogant Rodney Harrison covering him tighter than a pair of spandex knickers, I was left emotionally spent, yet blissfully happy. It was much like the epic battles of Michelle Kwan against an evil and robotic Irina Slutskaya, as they skated to the death to see who would take the crown in the 1998 Winter Olympics one cold, bitter evening… (Maybe we should move on, as I realize football and ICE SKATING, really don’t have that much in common.)
3. The Dark Knight
Three words. Fah. Reaking. Awesome. Yes, it was a tad dark, and uh, yes it brought up complex questions that could be discussed whilst wearing a mock turtleneck. But this film contained superb acting by everyone both alive and dead, no Katie Holmes, some super cool explosions and “how’d they do that?” scenes plus the coolest motorcycle this side of Evil Knivel and you really have something.
2. Music on the Interwebs
Want to find some new music? Welcome to my friend, the world wide webs. Whether it’s Pandora for discovering new music, Grooveshark for hearing or finding specific songs, LaLa for being able to purchase actual CD’s from other members for a buck or Amazon offering mp3’s without the evil DRM strings attached, the Interwebs is a great place to hear about a new band before they instantly become uncool again. (The window is very short these days.) So discover a new band, and maybe even buy it. Even though they’ve stopped suing people recently, I’m sure the RIAA will find some way to make you regret liking music, (perhaps by STILL charging $17.00 for a CD! Who does that? Who has actually purchased a CD recently???) but for now, we have the internets.
1. Project Runway
Even though the contestants were boring for the most part, and the winner was a very sedate, mousy nerd with library glasses and an over abundance of teals, blues and whites in her final collection, I love this stupid show. Mostly because everyone on the show uses the word “garment” when I would simply call them “clothes.” However, they are able to fashion some good looking garments out of fabrics in a near record amount of time. I am consistently fascinated by their creativity. (However, not with Suede. He was just there for the audience to yell, “Shut up!”, I’m sure of it.) By the end of the season, I even catch myself commenting on the different garment’s “chic-ness” and “wear-ability” while sitting on my couch in a sport coat, an ascot and dark glasses. I would really like to take this time to emphasize again, that I am indeed a heterosexual male. Thank you.
This show=good. This man=bad.
Remember when everything was “low-carb” this and “0-carb” that? I miss those days. Here are some other things that I am tired of.
Going green.
Way to go, eco-terrorists. You have now taken a nice, peaceful color, one of the most harmless crayons in the box and turned it into a word that I don’t ever want to hear again. Once used to denote “healthful” treats, green now means “What are you doing for the environment today, you energy sucking, wasteful non-recycling, car driving dillweed?” If I have to hear about another thing that is better because it’s green, I think I’ll take Al Gore hostage.
Organic
Has there ever been a more over-used phrase? What does it even mean? Sure, maybe it actually meant something three or four years ago, but now it means “We’ve got to sell more of our processed food. Let’s call it ‘organic.” I saw this at the store the other day and that’s when i determined that organic had officially jumped the shark.
Bowl Games.
The only bowl game that matters is the Super Bowl. Every other bowl from college football can suck it. Is the world really a better place because such a thing as the Meineke Car Care Bowl exist? Or especially the San Diego Community Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl? I fell sorry for the dude that has to paint that on the grass. And what do these yayhoos think that are sponsoring these bowls? That they are going to make us say, “You know, I was going to head down to my mechanic that I’ve been using for ten years to repair my car. However, I just finished watching Wake Forest defeat Connecticutt in what was most certainly an exciting game in the Car Care Bowl. I think I’ll head down there and have them nimbly handle my car problems.”?? Hope that $30 milllion bucks you just spent was worth it. You might actually get more out of a NASCAR sponsorhip. Which brings me to…
BCS
Or soon to be the 2012 Jeopardy question “What is…the ruination of college football?” I could go on all day about the many reasons that a playoff would be superior. Chief among them because you would have an actual, um… champion??!? The great thing is after this championship game is played and the horrifically tacky crystal football is hoisted in the air, the Bowl Championship Series Champion is crowned. Not the NCAA Division I champion, mind you. The BCS Champion. The winner of this cheesefest isn’t even the NCAA champion? The only sport that I can think of that plays a full season never to crown a champion. Besides probably the WNBA, because really, who cares? Some years they actually have a pretty good idea, or after crunching numbers and polls together they can surmise a pretty good estimation of who the top two teams in the country are that should be playing in this game. As long as you’re in a conference named the Big East, ACC, Big 12, Big 1o, SEC and Pac 10. (What, no Big SEC or Big Pac? You didn’t feel good about doing that?) It would be much easier to actually have the top eight teams PLAY EACH OTHER IN AN ORGANIZED FASHION at the end of the season. The Greeks had a word for this. I believe Socrates said it best. “Playoff, you idiots.” Or something similar. Every year however, I can relish the fact that there will be at least three teams with the same record as the faux “champion” team, so sports radio can spend the next eight months arguing that they should have had a chance to play in the championship game. What, you didn’t enjoy your end of the year showcase in the storied Chic-Fil-A Peach Bowl? That’s relatively shocking. And don’t worry, the BCS just signed another iron clad TV contract through 2014. Enjoy the suckage.
Wildcat Formation
I apologize as this is another football reference. But if you’ve watched any NFL games this year where the offensive team direct snaps to a receiver or running back while the quarterback lines up as a receiver, inevitably the announcers calling the game step all over each other to be the first ones to say “They’re going with the Wildcat formation here! The Wildcat!” Like they’ve never had anything more exciting happen in all of their lives. Unfortunately this play has worked a time or three so you even see it in the college ranks as well. Same thing. The announcers can’t wait to talk about the Wildcat, and how they’ve had success with it in the NFL. What if this play was called the “Gooberman?” Would they be so eager to announce it then. “They totally went Gooberman on that last pla… oh, never mind.”
Bailout
Seriously. This is getting ridiculous. Pretty soon the American taxpayer is going to own a chunk of every American industry. And I mean everything. Hey here’s an idea, why don’t you run your businesses in such a way that you can actually compete with the competition, instead of needing billions of dollars to delay your demise? I’m speaking to you American Automakers. Instead of saying: “Toyota Prius? We don’t need one of those. it’s a fad for hippies or terrorists. What Americans want is a new Ford F450 with a V12 engine instead.” The auto industry like the music industry has changed. You either need to catch up or kindly take your union-insured jobs and go away.
Chinese Democracy
Way to go, Mr. Rose. It only took you 17 years to craft a follow-up to “Use Your Illusion I and II.” Not bad at all. I mean never mind that in that same amount of time I could have birthed and raised a child from an embryo to a strapping lad, taught him how to write songs, play the guitar, get a band together, acquire a recording contract, tattoo his body in unattractive ways, and put out a better album in the process. In three languages. AND, I don’t even know how to do any of those things. But in 17 years, I could probably figure it out. That, and with the extra time on my hands I probably could have cracked cold fusion as well. By the way, 1994 called, and it would like your relevance back. And extensionmart.com is on line #2 and they would like their cornrows back. Thank you.
Apps
And this isn’t even a real world. I get it, iPhone. You’re the best. And so are all of your custom “app”lications, of which 300 million have already been sold. Just shut up already. Me and my phone that allows me to make and receive phone calls and sometimes futuristic “text messages” are working just fine thank you.
O.J. Simpson
Enjoy the next fifteen years, buddy.
I constantly complain about advertising getting more and more pervasive. Just try watching a sporting event without having a corporate sponsor shoved into your face. Seriously, try it. For example, at a recent Utah Jazz game, I witnessed Mehmet Okur hitting the RC Willey 3-Point Shot on a hoop that was sponsored by America First Credit Union (only on the sides!) because the top of the hoop advertises the Utah Jazz website and the front of the stanchion is promoting something else. I have often wondered how much it would cost for me to sponsor just one basket at an NBA game. Say the first basket made after the first time out in the third quarter. Wouldn’t it be great to have the announcer say “This random basket brought to you by DorkTrain!” The crowd would go freaking wild. Wild!
ANYWAY, as a marketing person myself, even I feel like I’m drowning in the different products that are relentlessly shoved in our collective pieholes. As I tell door to door salespeople that shockingly still exist, if I wanted your magical spot remover, I would call the number on the Billy Mays telemercial and buy it from him. He’s offering me a set of 6 squeegees to go with it. And he yells continuously for 30 seconds. He wins.
However, I saw this clever ad placement for Nestle Quik and thought, “Now there’s something that I would actually look forward to watching. If I rode the train that is.”
Would it make me rush out to quench my thirst with a chocolatey beverage? No, but I like looking at the fun, cartoony rabbit. Give us more rabbit in our daily commute.
